W is Pregnant!

[Psych77]

OK, for those of you who don't already know me, I am 44 (almost 45) years old, father of 5 kids, who is only just starting to get M back on track again. That means that W is just starting to kiss me on the lips sometimes, we are not constantly tense around each other, can laugh together once in a while and enjoy some casual things together.

On the other hand, we are not yet ready for any serious talk, especially R talk, ML is still fairly rare (but not completely out), and W still will not say ILY (no, I don't actually ask her, but there are times when she would have said it in the past, but doesn't now).

Well, the other night as we are going to bed, W turned on the light and said, "You know how I haven't been feeling well lately? Well, I found out why." That there's a statement you don't even have to get more specific with. She told me exactly what she meant, but she didn't have to. She has made almost that identical statement with 4 out of our 5 previous pregnancies.

Right now, my pants could supply a local brickyard. Our youngest is 7 years old, and this was the longest we had gone since M without a baby in the house. I kind of figured that this was probably "it." My whole way of thinking had switched gears, assuming that, as my oldest are now teenagers, the parenting thing (with young children) was starting to slacken, and I would be, I don't know working toward a more stable routine.

Surprise, I guess!

Mostly, I wish our M was a little more advanced in recovery. W had actually acclimated to the reality before she told me, and was now laughing at herself, at us. So that's a good thing. But I feel so anxious about all this, and it would really have helped if I felt like we had a little more solidarity at this point. After all, we are sort of in this together, right?

Maybe I'm just spoiled. But this is a huge challenge to any marriage, especially with me at 45 and her at 42.

I just wanted to vent for the moment. Will write more later.

[25yearsmlc]

the challenge is two fold. One challenge exists b/c you are in piecing and trust me, I understand. That's the REAL challenge and you can do things to help (attend Retrovaille!)

the other challenge is age--the difference in age of your kids, and your age:

two things I know about the difference in ages that you need to know.

The kids can be close. My 3 kids are 25, 22, and 14. They are ALL close to each other now. usually one was closer to the youngest than the other, but that would shift.

The older ones adored their baby sister and she looked up to them and she still does. They are pretty much buddies and the youngest visits the older ones in their dorm or city, and gets treated to the sights.

They play online games across country (Yes, s25's argument for us to buy a PS3 worked, but he was right about it helping them stay close b/c he lives on the other coast-and they really do play often, like 2-3 a week)

And obviously I was close to your age when I had our last one. If it weren't for a back injury, I'd have had more. Keeps me feeling younger, I swear. And

YESTERDAY I got a new niece!! My brother is 57...my sil is 50 and it's her first child, his 2nd. HIs first is 21 y/o. The baby and mom are both healthy.

I don't know what it cost or how it happened, exactly, but my SIL is thrilled and my brother seems stoked.

It was not his idea but he's happy now, truly. He'll retire in 5 years so ironically, he'll have more time with this child than his first.

This really Is a good thing. Yes the timing is wacky but Please know to be grateful anyhow.

Your little scrapper must really want to be in the world, maybe they'll bring you the motivation you need to piece well.

Attend Retrovaille if at all possible. It's very productive and will help arm you for a stressful event in ANY marriage, let alone one right after a crisis.

Enlist the help of your other children--for awhile, they'll be into it. My older kids still are.

Reassure your w when you can, of whatever it is she needs reassuarance of. No matter what others say, I still think a child is ALWAYS a bigger deal to the wife, b/c she frickin' carries it, births it, and 9 times out of 10 does the bulk of the work.

See about opportunities you will have with the newborn/baby/toddler, for 180s.

And make sure you still have date nights that cultivate and foster a deep bonded COUPLE who stays connected.


((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

ps

CONGRATULATIONS!!

[Accuray]

Psych,

I take it from your post that you are not overly thrilled with the news. I've been there and didn't take it well. My W never forgot that and held it against me for 6 years before becoming a WAW (one of several factors, but this was definitely a watershed moment). At the time it was important that I be able to discuss my feelings with my wife -- wrong unless your feelings are 100% positive, she's going to be way stressed!

Bottom line is this is a super critical juncture as I'm sure you appreciate. You must be 100% positive and supportive. If you have doubt, angst, regrets I would urge finding someone to discuss that with besides your wife and be the best partner you can be for her right now.

Good luck and congratulations!

[aeolianchaos]

woah..

Congratulations - it does change things up, doesn't it?

At least you know how to do the child-raising thing pretty good by now.

So you have some opportunities in here, Psych. Can you think of any ways that your W's pregnancy allows you to demonstrate through actions the way that you've changed?

How does this change affect your feelings about the whole situation?

[25yearsmlc]

accury brings up a vitally important piece of information for YOU to know.

The Reactions of h's at these times, is crucial to the r for a LONG time.

Our first child was about 5 years "premature" and it was certainly as much my h's "fault" as mine...(actually more so his, b/c the "failure" of birth control was at his end)

but within 5 minutes of MY knowing, (I took the tests alone at home),

I had accepted it with a terrified excitement/glee, but I was nervous about h's reaction. Timing?

We had been married awhile, but I was entering my final year of law school and job hunting, and h was about to enter medical school, so the timing was NOT fortuitous....we had no medical insurance, I had not landed a job yet, and h was about to lose his job to go back for arduous LONG years of schooling...

To h's credit, once he realized there was "evidence" of a child coming (as in, the 2 pregnancy kids with positive results I showed him)

he said "Then i guess it's time to hug b/c we're having a baby!"

and he got on board. I heard him later tell a friend, "I knew what I said right then would always be remembered."

He's right. It IS a watershed moment in life, and here are a few other examples:

"I'm pregnant, again", "I've been in an accident", "The biopsy isn't back and I'm worried", "The biopsy came back and the news isn't good" "I lost my job today" etc

You get the point...then and there

it's as if you are on a reality TV show ...

your words and actions will be forever remembered.

Forever treasured, or forever resented...

You have to step up to the plate, even if you are faking it.

And with pregnancy, whatever doubts & fears YOU think you have, the wife has exponentially more of them.

She will hide the negatibe emotions better b/c wives are not really allowed to feel anything but JOY at the news of a baby coming...no matter what # baby or the timing or her plans...

The idea that it's ALWAYS great for us b/c we ALWAYS feel great about life within us, denies the realities of whatever else is happening in our lives.

It's also not fair or accurate.

We can be even more terrified of being left by WAH, or being sick a lot

or losing the baby (and seeing it as punishment for not being 100% thrilled)

OR us dying (hey, My aunt died in childbirth and so did my grandmother. It's still a leading cause of death in other parts of the world).

And it takes a lot out of us anyhow.

Physically, you gotta admit it's a bit tougher on the girl's end than the male's...

so be kind to her, And to the child within,

for they are coming anyhow, and they "feel" how well your w sleeps and eats and is fit,


= it all matters a lot.

Again, Good luck!

((( )))

[Psych77]

Thanks, Acc, AC, 25!

It isn't really that I am unhappy with the news, it is just that it changes all the plans I had for life. All the ways I thought I could start to get life under control, fix things that I hadn't done well before. Sort of like having level ground to stand on, and finally feeling like I am balanced and can move forward.

I'm afraid that trying to gain ground when the world around me is always changing has always been a challenge for me. Hans von Asperger rides again! But it really is kind of unrealistic, isn't it, to expect the world to stop so I can get my bearings.

I haven't even gotten to the point where I am worried about the child, yet. Mostly, I'm worrying about my W! Advanced maternal age, and she's not in the best shape of her life. I told her last night that I would be devastated if anything were to happen to her, and I think she understood. I also told her ILY, and she smiled and hugged me. I told her if there was anything I could do to help her take care of herself, she should let me know, and she calmly said no, "just take care of you, and I'll take care of me."

But I guess I really need to be more positive. Its just a huge adjustment!

W showed me the first ultrasound yesterday (8 weeks), and we told the kids. They all cheered like crazy! They are sooooo excited! That made it more real to me - until then, it almost seemed like a dream.

We also have to tell my parents and W's. That's gonna be a fun event. My parents will not approve, but will be pleasant in that midwestern way, while politely pointing out the new challenges that this will be, and probably say something like, "We know what causes that, you know."

W's parents, on the other hand, are from the northeast coast. They will say exactly what they think, and it is unlikely to be positive. We're going to tell everyone together at a family gathering that is happening on Sunday - get the whole thing over with at once. I'm kind of prepared for a tense day, that day.

But I also know I will have to be standing by W's side, and figure out some way to deflect the criticism - I will need to stand up for her, because she will be the target of most of it. I was never good enough for their daughter anyway, so they may just give me a pass, while they tell her she should have known better.

Now that I think about it, one of the things I am most nervous about is the strain it will put on family relationships for a while. Probably wrong on my part to worry so much about what other people think.

Well, I have already taken up enough work time. Better sign off.

[Harrier]

For once "W is pregnant" not followed with the phrase "by the OM." (sorry, folks)

First congrats.

Second, life would have probably changed those plans you had anyway...with or without a new baby. The challenge of us all is how we respond to those changes.

Good luck with telling the parents.

[Endeavour]

That was a headline I didn't expect from you, Pysch BUT A LOT better than some I've read so congratulations. I hope it goes well with the in-laws.

And as always, I think you will handle this new development with grace and patience.

Hang in there, my friend.((()))

[~ kd ~]

Now that the shock has worn off for you, Psych... And I'm pleased you worked through that announcement as well as you have...

CONGRATULATIONS, POP!