I haven't posted in a long time. I have needed to spend less time on the computer - my eyes were bugging out
There was also another reason. Things have been going well lately. Mind you, not fantastic, but well. W adn I have not been getting on each other's nerves, I (apparently) haven't been making those little mistakes that make W want to clam up on me. W even leans into me now when I kiss her on the cheek (she used to stay stock still, and not respond at all), and occasionally lets me kiss her (briefly) on the lips. Believe it or not, these things are SO much more meaningful to me than ML, which W sometimes does when even at times when she would not want to touch me outside the bedroom. So, anyway, silly as it sounds, when things were starting to go well, I was afraid to talk about it. Afraid to acknowledge it. Scared that if I said something, things would go wrong somehow and make a liar out of me. So, I watched, and waited, and kept silent online - sort of holding my "cyber-breath."
But I realize I need to process the good things, too. Just a little while ago, when M was in the dumper, I was having trouble DBing, because I couldn't think of what was different when things were going right - when things went well, I never paid enough attention to notice what we were doing right, so I could try to duplicate it later. Now that things are going well, I know I need to figure be conscious of what I am doing RIGHT. Whatever it is, I need to keep doing it. And do more of it, because we are nowhere near where I want us to be.
I have been less afraid of W. I have always had a hard time talking to other people and relating to them - Asperger's will do that to you. (Incidentally, I am much better at writing to people online - you get to read the person's comment several times and really understand it, and then you can take your time to compose an answer. And nobody expects you to do small talk). So I fell in love with W, and became totally dependent on her for human contact. She was my lifeline - I couldn't be without her, and I knew it. So, in my eyes, she held all the power in our relationship. Neither of us was comfortable with that arrangement. Now, even though she is still absollutely precious to me, and it would take a herculean amount of work to develop a relationship where someone else understands me the way she does, I have parts of my life that are not her. So I am no longer completely dependent on her. Life is still better when she is there (and right now she is only partly there for me), but I think that is the way it is supposed to be between H&W.
I don't expect constant love and affirmation from W. As a result, I am much more able to absorb it when W gets annoyed or angry. I can even walk out of the room. I find I spend less time trying to figure out whether she is angry at me. Which means less pressure on her.
I (generally speaking) don't blow my stack if W doesn't understand me. This was the first thing I started working on (before I started DBing) and I am still working on it. Sometimes it is because I don't entirely understand exactly what is expected of me all the time (an Asperger thing again), so I always feel just a little guilty, wondering if there is something else I should do, something I missed. Other times it is because I have trouble accepting that I am OK as I am and get defensive because I wonder what is wrong with me (is there an adult version of Mr. Rogers?).
Well, that is all I can think of right now, and I have to get back to work. Hope everyone is doing well. Good to be back.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
It sounds like a good move forward for you personally and relationally, 77. Just remember that you are evolving into a new YOU, so guilt/doubt/fear/whatever comes with the territory. Keep your head on your shoulders and keep reciting the DB/DR mantra.
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