I don't know if I am posting this is the right forum or not, and I apologize if I didn't. I have posted my story in the newcomer forum, but it isn't showing up yet.
I found this site yesterday and have spent the last 24 hours reading different posts. To summarize my story, my husband and I have been separated since January. We started living together again at the end of August, but he is still insisting on going through with the divorce.
Yesterday I was reading about loving detachment on here. I still don't know exactly what that is, but I took it as just giving him some space. My H has started to not like being at home. There are times when he is home that he will do things with the kids and I, and other times that he is constantly on this computer ignoring us.
Yesterday after reading some post, I sent him a text that said that supper would be ready by 6 and that the kids and I would like for him to join us. He asked me how I knew that kids wanted him here. I told him that they had mentioned it a couple of times the past couple of weeks. I did not get a reply after that.
I went ahead and had supper done by 6 even though I was not expecting him to show up. The kids and I sat down to eat. At 6:15 he pulled in. I was completely amazed, but tried to not get excited. Our s asked him if he would throw the football with him after supper. He said he would have to see.
After supper my H, S and D went outside while I did dishes. I looked out and my s and d were throwing the football and my H was sitting on the back step not paying attention to them at all. He then came inside and got on his computer. My s came in and asked his dad if he was going to throw the football with him. H said he was busy and couldn't. I ended up going outside and throwing the football with my s and d.
I came inside and got back on this forum to do more reading. My H came into the room and said he was going for a walk. (He never goes for a walk!) I just said ok and went back to my computer. He just stood there looking at me dumbfounded. He then asked if I was going to go with him. I said I would and we walked around for about 30 minutes. It as hard for me to walk down the street with him and not be holding his hand. But I didn't want to pressure him and ruin the time we were having.
We came home and I suggested we watch a movie. He rolled his eyes and signed a little. I told him he didn't have to if he didn't want to. He then agreed and he picked out a movie. After the movie was over, he went right back to his computer. I went and soaked in the tub and then I went to bed. He came into the bedroom and asked if I was ready to have the light turned out. I told him I was and he said ok, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. I just said ok and rolled over in bed. I started praying that he would end up coming to bed with me.
I woke up this morning and he was laying in the bed next to me. I rolled over and put my arm around him and kissed his shoulder. When we got up, there wasn't much conversation going on. He went to work, and I got the kids ready for school.
I text him this morning asking how his day was going. We talked about our day a little bit and then he went back to work. I was feeling really good about everything. But then on his lunch break, he text me and asked if I had signed and mailed back the divorce paper work to my attorney. I told him I had not because he wanted to meet with me to go over it. This really ticked him off.
I don't understand how he could be so kind and caring one minute and then turn into a monster the next! I don't know what is going on with him, and I don't think he even cares how much he is hurting me. I have been to the point where I just want to give up, but then I start praying. I feel like God is leading me to keep going with this.
Yesterday was an up and down day. We had text each other on his breaks and I was feeling pretty good. When he got off of work, he actually called me and said he was bringing a pizza home for supper. We talked for a few minutes and we hung up. He hasn't called me on his way home from work since January. As hard as I tried not to, I got my hopes up that that meant we would have a good evening. Boy was I wrong.
When he came home, he sat in his car for 40 minutes IM'ing the OW on his phone. Our S went out and got the pizza from the car so we could eat. After we ate, out D went out to talk to him. He came in to eat, and then he took out D to a friend's house to pick some things up. He was gone over an hour.
When he got home, I put a movie in and he did sit on the couch with me, but he was doing something on his phone for the first hour. I then asked him if he would help me with something on my phone and he did. He fell asleep watching the movie.
This is where I REALLY messed up. I took his phone and starting snooping (I know a BIG no-no). It was the OW woman he was talking to. Well, he woke up and instantly started looking for his phone. He didn't actually catch me with it, but I think he knows that I had it. We went to bed, but he made sure that we had no contact at all while we were sleeping.
I am trying really hard to detach. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I seem to do ok during the day, but when he is home from work and on his phone or computer, it kills me. Also the weekends are hard. He usually works 6-7 days a week (or so he says) but usually doesn't come home until the middle of the night. I know he is out drinking, but what else he is doing I have no idea. He use to tell me all the time that bars were just for people that are looking to find someone. If he is in love with this OW, then why is he going out to the bars every weekend? He isn't with her when he goes. He has never met her F2F.
This OW is a scam artist, and probably not even a woman. He has been shown proof of this, but he continues talking to her. I just don't get it!
I do have a question though. He has always complained that I would not get up with him in the mornings and fix him coffee and breakfast. I have been trying to do this (only missed a couple of days this past month), but with detaching, should I continue doing this?
Also, we generally do seem to have better evening when I text him during his breaks at work. This is how he got so involved with the OW. In the beginning of us trying to work things out, he would text me, but that has stopped. He has even told him that he appreciated the OW texting him and asking about his day. I told him that I felt like I couldn't do that now that he has told me that, because I didn't want him to think I was doing it because she was. He told me to quit over analyzing things. When I do ask him about his day, I generally just get the answer of "it's been ok". Sometimes he will go into detail and sometimes he won't. So should I continue texting him? I wonder if he has gotten bored with me asking the same question every time? I don't know what else to say because I'm afraid of pushing him away.
I just get so tired of all the mixed signals he is giving me! I love roller coasters, but I want off of this ride now! My C wants him to come in with me, but right now he is refusing to do that because he says he doesn't want to work on the M.
Any suggestions on how I can handle this weekend? It is my weekend to take care of the kids, so I know he is not planning on being home much. He gets angry if I ask about what he is doing, but last weekend, I went to a friend's house and didn't tell him where I was going. The first thing he asked was if I was at a bar. I answered him truthfully and told him where I was at. I told him that he knew that bars were not my thing, so he didn't have to worry about that.
I pray every day that God will open his heart and realize that we can be happy again. My H really is a good man, and his behavior is not his normal self. I know I hurt him when I left, but I don't know how to help take that hurt away. I finally got help with my depression through IC, but I'm afraid it was a couple months to late.
Can you be with someone for 18 years, and those feelings go away in just a couple of months? They didn't for me, even though at the time, I really wanted them to. I tried telling myself that I didn't love him, and that he would never change. He kept telling me he would, but I just didn't believe him. I was tired of not feeling loved, but I realized that no matter how much he doesn't love me, I still love him with every fiber of my body.
I don't know if anyone is reading this or not, but that is ok. Just writing it has helped me. I have been feeling down today, but I need to pick myself up.
Yesterday was another roller coaster ride. I didn't get up and fix breakfast and coffe yesterday morning because I had a migraine. I text him on his break and apologized for not getting up (this has been one complaint about our M). We text back and forth for a little bit and he opened up to me about work and how his day was going. I text him again on his last break just about stuff around the house.
He came home last night, and both of the kids were off with friends. We stood in the kitchen and talked for a little bit and then he went to sit at the dining room table. He sat in there in the dark, and he just looked so down. It was breaking my heart! He asked me a question, so I went to the dining room to sit with him. I couldn't take looking at the saddest. It was like it just oozed out of him. I got up and told him I was going to go soak in the tub. I kissed him on top of the head and said if you want to talk about anything you know I'm here for you.
That is when the flood gates opened. He told me that he was miserable with me being here. He said he didn't want to kick me out, but he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted his freedom to do whatever he wanted to do and not have to worry about anyone. I was trying to validate and just told him that I understood. I told him that I hadn't been trying to hold him back and there was only one time that I questioned him about his whereabouts and that was because he had me so worried. I found him passed out in this car at 4am. He said he knew I didn't have anywhere else to go, and he was concerned that I would sleep in my car. I told him not to worry about me, that I was a big girl and could take care of myself and I would be out no matter what by the end of next week.
He then told me that he really does care about me. I wanted to scream then act like it, but I didn't. I told him that I was not trying to make his life miserable, and I have been trying to make things easier for him. I reminded him that I have asked him several times in the last month if he wanted me to sleep in the spare bedroom and he told me no.
I told him that this hasn't been easy on me either. I sleep in a bed with a man I love, but am afraid to touch. I told him every morning when I walk him to the door all I want to do is give him a kiss goodbye, when I meet him at the door after work I want to give him a kiss hello. I want to tell him every day how much I love him. I want to go to bed at night and sleep in his arms again. I told him that I didn't want to move on with my life. I don't want anybody else but him.
I told him that if he didn't want me texting him through the day I would stop, I would start sleeping in the spare room, I wouldn't be around as much when it was his time to be with the kids. I would do whatever it took for him to not be as miserable with me here. He said none of that was necessary, and he enjoyed it.
I said I wanted to make him happy again, but he won't let me. He said he has tried, and I told him no he hasn't. That things were going really good for a while, and then all of the sudden he pulled back. I asked him what he was afraid of and he couldn't answer me.
I asked him what expectations he had of me as a wife that I had not fulfilled. He said if I tell you, you will say you are doing it now. I asked what it was and he said getting up with me in the morning. I told him that I have come to regret not doing that sooner, because once I started doing it, I realized that I enjoyed it very much. It was nice to sit in the dining room every morning and carry on a conversation with him without having to worry about the kids. When I don't do it, I really miss it all day long.
I told him that I regret not getting help sooner for my depression, and I was really worried about him being depressed. I told him that it breaks my heart to see him down. That he is usually a really fun guy to be around. He said he has started to wonder if he is bipolar or something (it does run in his family). I told him that I didn't know, but maybe he needed to go to the dr.
His mom called after that, and he had to go over there and do some things for her. I went to soak in the tub and then watched a movie. He was gone for a couple hours, and he came back acting like nothing happened. He was talking and joking with me, shared some chips with me, and laid down in bed holding me. We ended up getting intimate and it was great as always. Afterwards he allowed me to put my head on his chest until we fell alseep.
This morning we got up, and I fixed coffee while he got ready for work. We talked for a little bit and he told me he would be home by 7-8 tonight (he has never told me what time he will be home). He then started talking to me about work, and all the deadlines he has to meet in the next couple of weeks. He even showed me the projects he is working on. He got ready to leave and I walked him to the door as usual. He started to walk out, but stopped and turned around and kissed me goodbye.
He has me so confused. I was expecting to get up this morning to him being a complete jerk. Especially after I really opened up to him for the first time last night and let months of feelings come out. I even said something about finding boxes to start packing my things and he got this sad look in his eyes. I just wish I knew what was going on with him, and why this constant back and forth with him. Doesn't he see that it is hurting us both? And what about the kids? Can't he see that he is hurting them? They have gotten use to me being back in the house. We have actually started bonding again.
Maybe the detaching isn't working with him. Maybe I need to pursue him more. I was the one that pursued him in the beginning of our relationship. As a matter of fact, I was the one that proposed to him. I don't think he is ready to be out in public with me as his wife, but maybe I need to start acting more like a wife at home. Maybe I need to open up more to him, so he can feel like he can open up more to me. He has said that communication was the biggest problem in our marriage.
Yesterday when H left for work, he told me he would be home between 7-8pm. I was cleaning the house and he walked in around 5:30pm. I was so shocked! I acted happy to see him without over doing it. My D and I had been arguing about her going to a friend's house. When he walked in the door, she was all over him, being sweet and loving. She told him that her friend's parents had invited him over and kept saying how excited they were to see him. She then got out family pictures and started pointing out ones of her and my H. She kept says things like I have always been a daddy's girl. She was doing this because she was upset with me and knew it would hurt me. Finally he took her over to her friend's house, and he didn't get home until 3:30am.
This morning I got up and fixed breakfast for my H and I. Over breakfast I told him that our D has learned to play us during this situation. I told him that the only reason she acted like she did last night was because she was upset with me. He didn't say much, so I let it go. I told him I was going to go shopping today and said he was welcome to go if he wanted to. He never commented on it.
I went to get dressed and when I got done, I couldn't find him anywhere. His vehicle was still in the driveway, and his computer was still on. He keeps his computer locked up tight because of the OW. I was so good, and just walked by it without another glance. I left to go shopping. Normally I would have text or called him to see where he was, but I didn't. It was hard, but I was determined to detach!
When I came home from shopping, his vehicle was gone, the computer was off, and the house was locked up tight. I am beginning to think that he was hiding somewhere from me to see if I would get on his computer. I am so glad I did not.
So far, I have not text or called him. I'm trying not to think about where he is. He may have went to work, but I have no clue. Today I am going to focus on getting the laundry done, and start packing up my things. I still don't know where I am going to go yet. Guess I will be working on that this week.
Should I go ahead and move into the spare bedroom? He says he doesn't want me to, but wouldn't that be a 180 for me? If he really wants me gone, then he needs to get use to sleeping by himself again.
I hate the delay in posts. I can't remember what I have posted.
Yesterday after I went shopping I stopped at the gas station. I actually flirted a little with a guy in there. That is so unusual for me, but it made me feel good!
I worked really hard on detaching yesterday. When I got back from shopping, I did laundry and started packing some things. I was fixing supper and H walked in carrying shopping bags. I smiled and said you did go shopping. I hope you had better luck than I did. He said when you left earlier I thought you were going to pick up our D. I told him that I had said she didn't want to go. When I said he was welcome to go, he didn't comment so I didn't think he wanted to. He said that he was trying to decide whether to go to work at that time. I told him that I didn't think he was here when I left. He told me that he was out on the sunroom. (Usually when he is on the sunroom the door is open, but it was closed until I came home yesterday.) He has to show me all the things he had bought. I complimented him on his purchases then left to pick up our D.
When I got back with D, we ate supper, then I finished the laundry and did the dishes. While I was putting away clothes he yelled for me. H and S were out on the sunroom. When I went out there I saw that he had bought a new exercise machine during his shopping trip. H told S to get off of it so I could try it out. I wanted to say so bad, why does it matter if I like it if I'm going to be leaving this week. I bit my tongue though and tried out the machine.
After that H and I went into the living room and actually watched football together. We use to do this every Sunday, but haven't since January. We jokes, laughed, and talked about the game. He asked how I liked the exercise machine and I told him that it kind of hurt my back. He then suggested what I could do so it is a little easier on my back.
After the game we went to bed. I told him good night and rolled over to go to sleep. He moved around a little bit until our feet were touching. (Again this is the way it use to be every night.) He started tickling my feet. After a few minutes of this, I rolled over and started tickling him. We got initmate. Afterwwards he interwined his feet with mine and we fell asleep holding hands.
I didn't get up with him this morning because I had taken some medicine for my back last night. I have had back issues for a couple of years now. When I did get up and he was already gone, I text him telling him I was sorry, I was afraid that would happen and promised him breakfast tomorrow. I haven't heard back from him, but I didn't expect to since he was still driving or already working.
Today I am going to help a friend that broke her ankle yesterday. When I get home later, I am still going to work on detaching. I need to pack some more stuff up and I think I will spend the evening reading more DR. I am prepared to have a backslide today. This has gotten to be the norm with him. I just need to remember to hold my head high and GAL.
I had a feeling yesterday was going to be a bad day. It seems like anytime we have a good day, the next is horrible.
He text me on both of his breaks to see how things were going on the apartment hunting. I told him both times that I am working on it, but with me not having a job there aren't many options out there.
He came home from work and was on his computer as soon as he hit the door. It was his night to take care of the kids, but that didn't seem to matter to him. I went to bed around 8:30 because I am just so emotionally drained right now. Usually no matter what I wait for him to go to bed. I woke up at 11 and he was still on his computer. He finally came to bed, but I have no idea what time.
I got up this morning and fixed coffee and breakfast. He was silent for a long time, but then slowly started talking to me about little things. He left for work without even a goodbye or anything.
I text him and asked him to call me on his break. He called and I told him I just am not having any luck with finding a place that I can afford by Friday. He told me I can stay for another 2 weeks. I told him that I would move into the spare bedroom for that time period. He got upset and said he didn't know why I had to do that. I told him that he said I was making him miserable by being here so the less he saw of me the better for him. He asked me to please not do that.
He then asked me if I was starting to get depressed again. (Ya think?) I told him with everything going on that yes I may be, but the counseling has helped me a lot. He said maybe I need to look at getting on meds for it. Maybe he needs to take his own advise, but I didn't say that.
If he wants me gone so bad, why is he insisting on me sleeping in his bed? It's not like we are ML every night. Most nights he does everything he can to not touch me. I just don't understand it. If I make him so miserable and he ignores, why want me around? Is he doing this to just hurt me? He knows it does!
Sometimes I wonder if I just need to get ticked off at him and just let him have it! I have always let him have complete control over everything. Last night I just wanted to shut the screen on this laptop and yell pay attention to me! I did ask him one time if he was busy because I was going to ask him to help me with something and he said yes coldly.
I want to save this marriage so badly, but I'm afraid I am running out of time. The divorce is suppose to be final in November. I don't know if he is still having an EA with the scam artist, but I think he has started another one with someone else. I am trying so hard not to snoop because I know it will only hurt me. I do know that he has several different profiles on singles sites. And when he told me I had to leave he said that he couldn't have anyone over if he wanted to. He then quickly said that he wasn't saying he had anyone in mind, but if the opportunity came up, he couldn't.
I have never really gotten along with my H family. I have tried, but I can never seem to please them. My H has told me that since this has all happened, that they hate me.
Last night we went to watch our D play a sport. When we got there, my MIL and 2 SIL were there. I knew that as soon as I saw them that my H would be ignoring me. He went to them, and I went and took a seat in the stands. A little bit later, I saw my H and S come into the stands and were looking around. I called my H (yes, I shouldn't have, I realize that) and asked him what he was doing. He said that he was looking for our D. He finally found her and after they were done talking, he stayed where he was at. I then walked over to H and S.
We stood there for a long time talking, and my H shared his popcorn with me. A little bit later, my H and S disappeared. I looked over and H was with his family again. I stayed where I was for a while and watched the game. During the second game, I talked to my D for a little bit and then I went to my car. I didn't say anything to anyone, just walked out. I could still see the game from the car and it was a lot warmer in there.
About 15 minutes later, my H text me. He said "is S with you? D said you left already." I smiled to myself and thought why didn't you just text S, but I replied that no he wasn't and no I haven't left. He then asked me where I was. I told him that I was sitting in my car because I was cold. He said ok and he was getting ready to go home. He walked out to my car and handed me money. I asked him what it was for and he said in case you need gas. I was shocked! Since this has started he doesn't just hand over money.
We got home, and I heated up supper. I expected H to go get on his computer, but instead he finished a project he had been working on. The kids had already eaten, so when supper was ready H and I sat in the dining room to eat. We sat in there for about 30 minutes just talking. After that I went to get ready for bed. I expected H to have his computer time, and he was when I came out. I laid in bed and turned on the tv. After about 15 minutes, H shut down his computer and got ready for bed. He came to bed and started holding me. I was completely shocked! We fell asleep like that.
This morning, I woke up and reminded myself to expect nothing. I got up and fixed coffee. I walked into the bedroom to wake H up and he ended up holding me again! I just wanted to cry, but I knew not to get my hopes up. We finally got up and drank our coffee and ate breakfast. He told me that next week he may have to be out of town for the night. I started to panick, but then reminded myself that my H didn't have to tell me this especially this far in advance.
He left for work and I started my day. Out of nowhere, my H text me to tell me about something that he saw driving down the interstate. I got all excited, but then I reminded myself to not be hopeful. The day is young, and he can change at any time. I need to continue to DBing and GAL. This is just a cycle we have been going through. Yes it's lasting a little bit longer, but the bottom can fall out at any time.
