My H & I have been married for almost 16 y been together almost 18. My H is almost 42 and I just turned 36. We have a d 14 and a son 12.
A couple of months after my H's 40th birthday I found him on social networking sites sending emails to other woman telling them how beautiful they were and asking for more pictures. I was completely in shock. Things slowly started going down hill from there. I lost two grandparents and my husband could really seem to care less. It got the point to where he would come home from work and do his own thing and I would do mine. I started to get really depressed. We didn't talk anymore, and we hardly did anything together. When we did he would end up drinking and say very hurtful things to me.
I went to my pastor that I had known for almost 20 years and talked to him about my marriage. My pastor started telling me that I needed to get out of the marriage so I can be myself again. In January, my H & I got into a huge fight over the stupidest thing. He asked if I was done yet because he was. (He now saying he never said that!) I packed my things and my s and I moved to my mother's house. My d refused to go because she has always been a daddy's girl.
I continued talking to my pastor and told me I was doing the right thing. He said my H would never change and I needed to be happy once again. My H begged and pleaded for 2 months for me to come back, but I refused. On March 1, I filed for divorce. My H and I had no contact except communication about our kids.
In May, I finally realized how much I missed my H and that I really wanted to work things out. I went to my H and discussed this with him. We started dating a little bit. I then found out that he had joined an online dating site and had met someone. He told me that it wasn't serious and she wasn't even in this country. I started going to C and she told me that this woman really wasn't a threat because they had never met and probably never would. She told me to be patient and keep trying to work things out with H.
In July, he told me that he was starting to have feelings for this woman, but he couldn't say that he didn't love me anymore. Once I found out more information about this woman, I became convinced that she was trying to scam my H. So we continued dating and I would spend at least one night on the weekend with him. He started going back and forth about wanting to be with me and then not wanting anything to do with me.
Towards the last weekend of August, my mother and I got into a huge fight over my H. She had never liked him and was angry that I was willing to work things out with him. My husband suggested that I stay with him for the weekend so I can find somewhere else to live. The first night I slept on the couch, but after that he wanted me to sleep in the bed with him.
That following Monday, I looked for a place of my own. We live in a very small town and I only have a work at home job that pays VERY little. I could not find a place that I could afford. My H said I could stay here until I found a different job and could get my own place.
He was still going back and forth about working things out with me. I told him I would sleep in the spare room if that was what he wanted and he told me no. Since I have been living here again, he has started going out every weekend. He will be gone until early the next morning and coming home smelling like alcohol.
I started doing some investigating on this OW and found out last week that it definitely is a scam. My H has sent "her" a lot of money and was hiding it from me. During my investigation I found out that he has sent a lot more money then I originally thought. I had someone send him an email informing him that he was being scammed.
He was very upset, but wouldn't talk to me about it. He did say that he was done with her, but that very night he was back online looking for other women. One minute he tells me he is done and the next he is the complete sweetheart that I fell in love with.
He is insisting on going through with the divorce even though I have told him that I don't want to. Right now he is really pushing it hard for all the paper work to get done. I did get a letter yesterday from my attorney saying that our court date has been moved back to November 10. I just pray that by that time, he has come to his senses and gives this marriage 110%.
I pray all the time for guidance, and I truly believe that God does not want me to give up on my marriage. I just feel so hopeless right now. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Is there any hope that we can make this marriage work? I love him with all my heart and I have apologized for hurting him.
I don't know if you have posted a thread elsewhere, but my first suggestion is what DG said.
Read the Divorce Busting books or Div Remedy book. NOW b/c the approach you are taking towards your marital problems isn't what this site is about.
THIS SITE is about the simple but radical concept that we can improve our marriages by doing more of what helps the r, and less/none of what hurts it.
Even though the underlying causes, and our marital histories, and childhood issues and family issuse ALL matter,
THIS SITE is about what to do NOW to make it better.
So please read the books.
Second, as DG said, why would your pastor tell you to leave your h? I have never heard of that unless there is violence or booze/drugs. (Maybe adultery too).
Is there something you are leaving out? I mean, why would he tell you that?
Do you think HE (the pastor) is into you?
Regradless, read the books and you'll get this site more, and we'll be able to help you better.
Such things as "180s" (doing the opposite of what he complains about)
and GAL is Getting A Life --both of which are key concepts for Divorce Busting to work.
Keep at it. This stuff does help YOU, and often it helps the marriage too.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You have to address YOUR own stuff, not focus on OW or what your h is doing.
He probably won't simply "come to his senses" without any changes on your end.
This is good news! IT means you are not powerless.
But so far what you have done has not helped, at least not for long. You need to do something to change that.
YOU must focus on YOU (not h and not ow!)
so YOU must demonstrate the key element here...
which is that HE MUST BELIEVE THAT marriage to you today, and from this day forward, could be different/better.
HE has to believe this^^^ in order to want to work things out and that means
YOU have to show you are different and changing.
Here are some "Rules for Div Busting" for people new here. But read the books asap!!
I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I DID!
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
DelinquentGurl and 25yearsmlc thank you for your replies. I have also posted in the separated forum.
I am reading DR now. I have read it all the way through and now going back section by section.
I found out months later that the pastor told me to leave because he was into me. Apparently he was having problems in his own marriage and thought he had a chance with me. I did not see this. I trusted this man because I had know him for over 20 years. He is old enough to be my dad. A couple of months after the separation my H went to him to talk about our R. That was when our pastor got very upset and started cussing out my H and told him about his plans for being with me. My H then became convinced that we had something going on which we DID NOT! My H kept this information from me for 2 months. When he finally did tell me I was in complete shock. I then cut off all communication with the pastor and told him to never contact me again, and he hasn't. I have given my H permission to have access to my phone to prove to him that I have nothing to hide.
To this day, I don't understand what the pastor was thinking. This was not the man that I had grown up with. His wife and I were best of friends. Our families even spent holidays together. I was really hurt when all of this came out. I felt so betrayed. His W and Ds still do not talk to me to this day. I have found out that he told his wife that there were things going on. He told her that we had plans to run away together and never come back. I have no clue where he even got these ideas!
I know my H was hurt by all of this also. I really had no idea what his intentions were, and I feel like H is punishing me for something that I didn't even do. Yes I said and did some horrible things to my H, and I deeply regret that, but I had the pastor coaching me the whole way. I am not trying to put the blame all on him. I should have opened my eyes and saw what was going on. I told my H that I take responsibility for my part.
I'm afraid that because of my stupidity that I have lost my H forever.
