My husband and I have been together for 11 years now, married for 9. We have 2 children together. This is my second marriage (first one ended because of emotional, verbal and sexual abuse), his first.
For the past three years our lives have been turned upside down. We made a long distance move just as the economy tanked. Jobs that were promised to my husband in the new location disapeared.
My H took a job were his mother worked but it was just not the right job for him. For the first time in his life he was let go from a job. It KILLED the strong confident man that he was. He retreated into gaming. I tried to pick up the slack. He was weak and I kind of took over out of fear.
Soon I was depressed. Things were bad with money and extended family. I retreated into myself. I became distant. I also was away from my family for the first time in my life and I was trying on a lot of new skins. I was extreme in a lot of things. I let a lot of things go like keeping the house, my appearance, etc. Sex became all business most of the time.
We did not maintain our marriage because we had no sitters, no money, no time and were just stressed. We stopped talking and having fun.
Now here we are. My H got into an emotional affair. He was going to leav. He says he has tried for 3 years to love me but he just does not feel the same love for me he did. He still loves me in a sisterly way, finds me sexy and attractive, and we have great sex but he is not sure he wants to be married anymore. He also refuses to end the emotional affair even though we just moved and he is now over 1000 miles from the OW.
My H has agreed to stay around and try counseling (twice a week with pastor 2 a month with counselor). We have some great days and some bad days. Since he refuses to completely get rid of OW we do not have much progress.
I am so confused by my H because he is like two different people. When his gaurd is down he is the man I married. He is sweet to me and fun. But then it seems like he realizes what he is doing and he has to put the wall back up.
I have gotten so much advice from different places and online that I am not sure what to do anymore. Basically I am just asking the Lord to guide everything I do. Right now DB stuff seems to make the most sense but I am kind of concerned. My husband complained that we did not have a relationship anymore, I did not give him affection, etc. Now he says I am doing great with that. I feel like pulling back from that would be a mistake???I feel like pulling back might be the opposite of what he wants from me since he says he enjoys the affection I am showing him now. I will be trying to put on a happier face, etc though. I think that is maybe the one place I have been going wrong. I think I am meeting all the needs he expressed that I was not but I can't figure out which one I am not meeting that his continued contact with OW on the phone is giving him. I think it may be that she is cheerful and happy. I can be cheerful but have times of extreme sadness. I must make an effort to hide that from him and only be cheerful.
Well that is about all I have to say. I am terribly confused and sick of the ups and downs but I love my husband and am commited to the vows I made so I will find a way to make the hard changes.
Well yesterday was a really good day. We did an emotional needs question thing from another website and had a good talk. It really shed a lot of light on some things. There is NOTHING that we can not fix.
Yesterday was a day of fasting and prayer for me. I prayed a lot for my husband, the OW, my MIL myself and my children. It makes me feel emotionally and spiritually strong when I build my day around a lot of prayer. The days when I am in prayer a lot tend to be either the really good days or the days when really painful things come to light.
I decided to take the kids to the playground. I told him I was doing it and said he could join us if he wanted but did not put any pressure on him. He came and we had fun injuring ourselves on the playground for our kids' amusement.
We had pastoral counseling last night. The pastor had been kind of dancing around the EA my H is in and will not totally end. Last night he came right out and told my H that there is no way God would send him this woman and wouldn't it be his plan to break up our family. He told him that until he ends it he can pray until the cows come home to love me again and it isn't going to happen. My husband agreed but says he is just not strong enough to do it. UGH! We have such happy times and everything seems normal and fine between us. We are living like a normal husband and wife and he seems happy most of the time when he is not making an effort to push me away (those are probably the times when he recently heard from OW). If he could just cut the ties with her and put closure on it I KNOW we could move on and rebuild our marriage.
There is also a lot of fear in my H. I am kind of ADD about things. I will be gung ho about making changes or something and then kind of let it go. I think he fears that if I make changes for our marriage I will just let it all go again. But before he did not tell me what was bothering him so I did not know what I needed to work on! Now I know and I know how close I am to losing him. I will do whatever it takes!
I made a mistake this weekend. During a chat after our prayer time in bed I mentioned I was scared that my H was going to give up because this is taking too long because he had not totally given up the EA with OW and can't feel anything for me (he started getting distant with me again). I knew I should not have said a word but it just came out. He had prayed as usual to have a soft heart and start to love me again and it just got to me.
He snapped at me and told me that he has been enjoying time with me and everything has been great. He said he keeps building up to the point where he is ready to let her go but then I or a counselor says something about it and his desire to do it dies to nothing.
Now my H is being even more distant to me. THis is how he acted last time he decided he was not going to try anymore and was leaving. I am kicking myself.
This morning when he was leaving for work he kissed me goodbye as usual. As he was walking out I slipped with "love you" and immediately covered my mouth as if I could stop the words that already left my mouth from coming out. He looked at me puzzled and I apologized because I did not want to push him. He told me if I felt it I could say it all I want. Man he is confusing!!! I had not said it in like 4 days. Hmm but those 4 days he has started to act distant. I tend to think that this may all be a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too sometimes. He is torn between the high of the EA and what he really feels inside for me. He knows he can be happy with me but he is having a hard time fighting the temptation. He wants me to love on him and he wants to hang onto that high too.
Hi there! These message boards will give you lots of help, encouragement, and perspective...at least they have for me.
Based on your story you may be more in improving the marriage mode than in imminent divorce mode, so there may be some techniques that don't apply. Since your H says and acts like he wants to work on the M, and since he wants affection and love from you maybe detaching and withdrawing aren't the things to do at this time. I hope others with more experience here can post for you.
What you can definitely take from this is do more of what works and less of what doesn't. How is the counseling going? Is it helping? Your situation sounds like counseling is really needed, but do you have the right counselors?
He's replacing something he's not getting from your M with his EA. Do you want him to stop the EA because you told him to or because he no longer wants or needs it? Focus on you and what you can improve about yourself and let him see the change over time. Look for what you contributed to the breakdown - it's hard to see when you feel like a helpless bystander in your situation, but you're not. You have more power than you think, when you focus it on YOU.
There are a few thoughts, hope they're helpful! Hang in there and be patient!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Advina. The counseling thing is not going too great. We have only been able to afford one session with a real counselor. We have it with our pastor twice a week but that is more Biblical guidance than anything. But since we can not afford the real stuff that is the best we can do.
Today I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. My husband says "I am here aren'T I" when we talk about things and I express my concern about the lack of progress. He says he needs more romance, affection, etc but I give it to him and he is like a statue. There is no return on it. Everything I have read says that loving actions bring back loving feelings. He is never going to feel anything because he does not do anything in that case!
Hi again. You need to observe what works and do more of that. Since he seems pretty open to communicating, you might try a conversation about his EA and find out what it is about that that makes him feel good, what needs did he have that weren't being satisfied in the marriage. The more you make him feel like he's crossed a line and can't come back, the farther he'll drift. If you can talk rationally about it, with understanding for his point of view, the more he may feel like it's possible to come back. There's a H on this forum who had an amazing conversation about his wife's A...he basically said he understood that these things happen and let's explore why, without judging her, but without saying it was AOK with him either.
Guilt, pressure, and people telling him he's wrong, could send him running or make him dig in his heels, so I wonder if the twice weekly pastoral counseling is helping you both understand each other better or if it's you and the pastor figuratively beating him over the head. In that case, maybe you could ask him if he really wants to go or if he'd rather you just went yourself for prayer and support. Maybe suggest he not go, if it's not helping. The point is, if it's not having a good effect, even if it's free it might not be worth doing.
Work on yourself, make yourself feel better, know that you will be OK, and not just OK but better after this. Hopefully he will see you radiate calm confidence, peace, mystery and progress and he'll be drawn to that. (I'm in the process of figuring this stuff out, not saying it's easy or that I do it consistently!)
If you don't have resources for pro counseling, there are lots of good books out there to help yourself - do you have access to a library? You'll find books mentioned on these forums, and I've mentioned a bunch that my therapist recommended. Sven Wahlroos's Family Communication was great for learning lots of different ways people damage their relationships and how to do things a better way. Of course DR is highly recommended on these forums - I'm waiting for my copy. In your situation Keeping Love Alive might be even more appropriate (I haven't obtained this but there is a forum here on that subject).
Try verbal communication if he responds to your advances like a statue. That doesn't sound like he's receiving the physical affection you're sending his way. How about after a good conversation you say thanks, you feel really close to him because of the conversation, and would he mind if you gave him a hug? Get his permission and be ready to take a no with a good attitude. You need to know what he is REALLY feeling and he needs to let you know. This is hard for a guy who might not even know what he's feeling, he's been burying it. He should not be pretending and "trying" to allow you to repair the stated problem. These husbands who don't say what they're really feeling and then leave out of resentment are so frustrating! I'm not to the point where I can even touch my husband yet, but my research into boundaries gave me the "ask permission" idea - you may be violating his physical boundary (where it is right now, maybe not in the past and maybe to change in the future) and he may not be aware or willing to state that. I don't know, just trying out some ideas for you to consider.
Hang onto your crazy ride and read others' stories so you can be confident that you'll be OK, and get some perspective. Good luck to you! Keep posting here and you'll get support.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well I have been screwing up lef and right. I am letting my fears take over. I have got to stop. I just get so scared that he is planning something behind my back or that he is still in the strong grips of the EA even though he claims he is not. THe phone is still kept a huge secret. I think he is using a different email now. It drives me nuts.
I tried to talk to him too much and give him some information. I should not have done that. It put us into two days of hell.
Then weekends reall suck at his job and I think he blames me for it because we moved back here so I could be with my older boys. I keep trying to remind him that I don't like it here either and we just need to ride out the next couple years and we can move away again if we want to. I think he resents me.
Of course that confuses me more. He tells me that he really wanted to just get the kids and I up here and then leave us. But then why did he take all his stuff and move with us? Why does he stay? Something keeps him here. He says he is only physically attracted to me and loves me like a friend but I really think it is more than that. He just wants to run from our problems instead of deal with them, and he feels like a failure. I think he is also afraid to open his heart back up to me because he is not 100% sure the changes I made will stick. I was a hot mess for 3 years and I kept trying to get my act together but I would let things slip. I did not know my marriage was on the verge of falling apart or I might have stuck to the changes more and worked harder to get out of my depression and be a better wife.
Either way I feel like I am living on borrowed time.
Well I was right about borrowed time. My husband had a plane ticket. He and his OW had put in for transfers. He had thrown in the towel. They were planning their life together.
But God was good. He heard my cries. Everything they tried to do he put road blocks in the way. The Lord poured out conviction on my H. He tried to leave 2 nights ago in secret but he got out to the van and the tire that had a slow leak in it appeared to be totally flat. He came in and cried and said he could not believe what he was trying to do. Hr prayed forgiveness for his sins. Oddly enough in the morning we found the tire was NOT flat! He was so confused.
Of course that did not stop him. Last night he was going to leave again. He was going to go sleep in the van in the 30 degree weather. I told him he could go but he was telling our kids. So at 10:30 at night he started to tell them. OUr 11yo immediately broke down when he started telling them. Our 8yo is a little immature and did not quite understand until my H said he was going to move away. The little one cried and cried out "who is going to build my legos". That was the straw that broke the camels back. My H broke down. He could not do it. He said she was not worth it nor were his selfish desires. He is staying and working on this.
The only thing I am concerned with is that he would not immediately put an end to the EA. I fear he is going to dance around it and we will be in the same boat. He is scared and worried he is going to fail. I know this won't be easy but I have hope in the Lord that this is going to be ok!
Things were going fine for a day. Thursday was the best day in AGES.He kept trying to call and end the EA but she was not answering. My husband was having anxiety but we got him on the suppliments that helped before when he went through it.
Yesterday he needed to go back to work. In hindsight he never should have gone because he was still too anxious. He seemed fine all day, texting me while I was out at a friends with the kids. 5pm he said he was fine. 8pm I am in the car and my MIL calls and tells me she put him on a plane and he was on the way to Florida. She just yelled at me and told me he was in a bad way, it was my fault, etc. I told her what I thought of her.
I called everyone I knew and tried to find him. I was not sure if he was really gone yet or not. I drove to the airport to find him. He was not there. I went to his work and the van was there with the keys in the glove box, his lunch box gone but the contents still there half eaten, the note I put in lunch displayed like he was looking at it, and his bible on the corner of the seat like he was reading it.
No one would give us info on where he was, what he was doing or if he was ok. I had a horrible anxiety attack and my mother had to call the ambulance and they took me to the hospital. My blood pressure was through the roof and they were going to bag me because my breating was so bad.
This morning we tried again to find out what is going on but no one will answer us. HIs work did not know where he was and he did not call in (not like him). I ended up putting out a missing persons report to find out exactly where he was. I was just concerned if he really got on a plane, was here someplace like the hospital or was there in the hospital. The police in FL found him. He says he needs time alone to figure things out.
I have no idea if he just needed time away and will come back and carry through with our plans to rebuild or if he is done. His mother wants us to be done. The other girl wants him. I just hope this was his lowest of the low and he is realizing that he made a mistake and will be back because he misses us.
