I've heard good things about the movie too, so we'll see it soon.
Um -the jokes are awkward at best. Just knock it off b/c sometimes it's a thinly disguised dig at her, or something sarcastic, or a form of pursuit, or insult, or something else NOT welcomed...
You now know She doesn't like it, it's not funny enough to justify obviously, and she's been really clear about it. So by NOT persisting in that, you show the capacity for taking in the info and changing a behavior. That's good.
Maybe the time apart is not so bad after all. The tension is lowered, she is allowed to miss you (so give her something to miss--be upbeat, pleasant with your mojo but not over the top, the best YOU that you can be, )
and back off. No expectations...and even after 3 or 4 LOVELY events in a row, or super good times
still ....expect nothing! Just be grateful for the good bonding experiences and hope that other good memories resurface in her
or that enough new good ones replace old bad ones...and still, expect nothing.
It'll build.
So Let it build without you rushing to put a "roof on" something that is still building a "foundation."
Make sense?
Baby steps...and the good news is that we are seeing some...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25. It does make sense. I am not reading into anything very much at all. I just like that a lot of tension is gone from my life. I feel good for the first time in a looong time. I am looking forward to life with or without my W.
I have been shopping for furniture and making plans to make the house my own. I have asked for W’s opinion on a couple of things when she was over here. She was curious about what I was planning/doing.
I am trying to be the best Dad I can and I’m trying to be as pleasant as possible around the W. It is easier since she is being nicer since I confronted her about her negative projections of me. I see no signs that she is starting to “come back” to me. Just being nice. Seems I’m just making things easier on her. She is still not happy though. That is obvious.
I have been apprehensive about talking to my W. We went for months with her flaring up any time I talked to ber about anything. I need to make the transition to opening up to her when appropriate. My not doing so its one of the main reasons she is gone.
This weekend she asked me about my interviews and came out and she came out and told me that "she wants me to talk in detail about it". She has also mentioned that talking to me is like talking to a brick wall. I did a good job bringing her up to speed.
I'm not really sure why I've been holding back. I really don't care what she thinks. I think I've just been focused on not having any tension.
W just called me out of the blue. Said she wanted to make sure I was doing ok and wanted to make sure I was getting the support I need. I told her I was doing well and told her I appreciated her concern.
WTH??? I have been nothing but positive and upbeat around her. Why would she be "wondering" if I'm ok? Seems like the walls may be wavering a bit???
She also asked me to come to her place for Dinner tonight. I told her I'd have to let her know. I don't think I am going to go even though I would like to see my kids.
RO, The truth is you don't know why she sent that to you. Maybe she wants you to be miserable like she is, maybe she truly cares about you and wants to make sure you're ok. Don't MIND READ.
However - It's much healthier for us (or well me) to think of the glass half full. So let's assume that she cares about you and truly wanted to make sure you are supported.
Is that bad?? No - I think it would be an example of applauding the 1% (which you did.. Kudos to your response!)
But that doesn't mean she's gonna halt the D or that she will do anything more than just that. So keep your expecations in check.
As for Dinner - Why wouldn't you go? Is it unhealthy for you to see your w right now? What are your fears (if there are any) to going?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hi Real thanks for posting on my stich. I think you are in a better place than I am. My W is very detached no communication period, only at dinner. It looks like you are doing a good job on making those needed changes. Keep up the good work
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Val, thanks. The only reason I wouldn't go is that I don't want her to think that I "jumping" at every opportunity to see her. We have seen eachother quite a bit lately. I'm trying to be a little mysterious. Maybe I should quit trying to be too clever and just go and enjoy it.
My expectations are in check. She has just changed considerably in the last three weeks. She has gone from absolutely hating me, to being kind of neutral, to whatever she is being now (nice???).
She hates the thought of being alone without the kids and she hasn't even spent the first night alone in her new home since she moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago (her Mother or Brother or the kids have been there every night)!!!
Rick, My W and I SEEM to be in a much better place since she moved out. For several weeks we were pretty combative and there was a lot of tension just seeing eachother. She was so full of hate, she was stressed just knowing I may be in the house. At the end she was stressed just being around the house by herself because the house itself reminded her of me. Her anger has dissipated precipitously since she moved out. Not saying it would help in your sitch by any means, just trying to share my experience to give you something to consider.
She can't miss you if you're together. I hated the thought of her leaving but noticed the positives very quickly after she was gone. It is lonely around here though during the down times. I'm trying to stay very busy and it is helping immensely.
I can definitely see the point to both. I'll let others give their thoughts on dinner as honestly - I really struggle with "trying to mysterious" and doing things to make your wife "miss you". Some of the DB tactics feel like manipulation. Not that their wrong - only that since I come from a marriage that had alot of manipulation in.. I struggle with MY perception of them.. if that makes sense.
You said that it would be nice to see the kids so if you go - keep that in the foreground. BTW - I bet they would love to see you too!
Should you tell your w - you are busy.. make it the truth. Don't say no and sit on the couch all night. Go out and GAL whatever that looks like to you.
Best of luck on your decision. I know they aren't always easy ones.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I struggle with a lot of the details too. Sometimes it seems like I'm playing games when I don't follow my instincts. My W has accused me of being manipulative.
At this point, I just don't want to see over anxious to see her because I'm really not. For several months I didn't really like seeing her because she didn't make me feel good about myself. She has stopped being negative and spewing venom for the most part though. I am trying to keep things in perspective.
Had a good dinner with W and kids last night (yes, I decided to go!!!). We then hung out with the boys and had a good time. We shared a few laughs which was nice. I left and went to watch some baseball with friends at a bar.
She has been pretty conversational and has been making eye contact wth me again. I don't know where her head is right now....but not trying to figure it out either though. I am just being the best man I can be. I am looking at these "meetings" as an opportunity to DB. Not trying to play games.
The boys are with me for the next two nights. I'm really looking forward to that.
I am planning to have a party at my house this Saturday night. Inviting some friends, family and some neighbors that we've never had over. Should be a good time. I will have the kids so it should be fun for them as well. Trying to figure out if I should invite the W??? Doubt she would come anyway.
