New any help would be greatly appreciated

[NicoleZ]

So about 4 weeks ago, my H presented me with a letter. Apparently a letter 9 years (the length of our entire marriage in the making. Together 13 years.) The letter explained how he felt that I did not love him anymore and was not interested in anything (friends, celebrating holidays) that are important to him…and of course the intimacy was gone. He was completely lonely. The letter was very sad.
He said that he believed that this was how I felt. That I had been out of the marriage and not “into him.” For a really long time…I mean years. So by the point he wrote this letter, he had already gone through all the stages of mourning the relationship and he was ready for me to say, “your right…I am just not into it anymore…I am glad you said it…let’s just go our separate ways.”
But the truth was though that though that was the way I was acting….that is not how I feel at all!
Think of kind of the walk away wife in reverse.
I was “taking care” of my husband…supporting his career, taking care of the finances, managing the house, and the dog..and by the way I am a full time in-house attorney with a very demanding schedule. But I was not showing him any real affection. I was initiating what appeared just like 3 minute wife obligation sex.
My H’s view is that he has been trying to fix this over and over for years..like not 2…like 8 and that we have had multiple arguments and discussions about it over the years. But to be honest, I cannot even really remember. I totally had my head in the sand. If I believed that it was not happening….it would not happen.
In June he planned this super romantic vacation in Mexico. Now I know that that was essentially my last chance. I totally blew it. I felt sick the entire time. I knew I was not physically ill but all I wanted to do was go to the room and sleep. I did not even want to float is the pool with a drink in the sun (probably one of my most favorite things to do).
I understand now there was a combination of things happening and worsening over the years. (1) I had suffered from episodic depression before, but now I understand that I never came back to what would be a “normal” mood for someone else. They call it Dysthymia. Major symptoms for me are difficulty motivating (feeling like everything is a chore), Loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy (including sex), unexplained aches and pains (headache, backache, stomachache). (2) I just took my husband for granted. I was actually so flippant about how…we were married now…I did not have to do things like go skiing. Looking back now I am horrified. (3) I was mirroring my parents. My mother is not touchy feely…my father is always grabbing her and hugging her and telling her how beautiful she looks and she kind of rolls her eyes. But I know my mother loves my father and I believe he knows it to. My mother has also suffered from depression most of her life.
So I did tell my H how I truly felt. Acknowledged all of his feelings and took responsibility for all that I have done and have taken steps to change. I have a shrink. On some Prozac. I tried to act upbeat and show him that things could be different.
He agreed to go to a couples therapist. But that did not help. He was not really a marriage advocate but just kind of acknowledged both of our feelings…said she did not have a crystal ball and could not tell us if further counseling would help…but…if H decided that he wanted to try…we could set up some sessions.
So I made my desire to work on this as clear and positive as possible….trying to keep out the pathetic and needy.
But yesterday he told me he decided….he does not want to try…it is just too late for him. He cares about me greatly, “would give me a kidney if I needed it” but can’t try anymore. He feels like he as been trying for 9 years.
So he is going to travel as much as he can and he will come up with a separation plan. If I needed him out of the house now just because it is too hard…he would do that. But I can’t do that…not yet.
He is just so sad. I broke him so badly. He loved me so much and I broke his heart over and over without knowing.
So what should I do now? Do I just need to get my head around the fact that my whole life is going to be dramatically different than I thought? I can’t keep telling him I want to try and keep trying to make overtures when he has told me he is done and he wants me to stop trying

Nick

[Julz]

No idea. Very similar thing happened to me. It was all about how my husband felt I didn't love him anymore. That ML was a chore, that I never kissed him etc. He broke my heart. 3 weeks later he started dating a co-worker (whom he'd been discussing our relationship with for months), now 3 1/2 months down the track she's moved in with him! mine told me that he could never ever see us together again as my actions toward him have chipped away at him emotionally over the years.

I now know that it's probably not true. He could have spoke up earlier. But instead he turned to someone else. Chose some skank over his marriage and kids. Hugs I hope you don't discover your husband has someone else.

[NicoleZ]

Thanks Julz. You hang in there also. I am pretty sure there is not anyone else. I just broke his heart and now he says he can't feel the same way about me. He says if I need a kidney I am his guy. But he is just so sad, withdrawn and just actually distraught that I can't seem to pull him back to thinking that anything can be different. He feels that he really has tried and he really did say something for 9 years. He is just absoolutly shocked that I think this is different than "any other time." But honestly, I did not see it.

[AloneAt35]

NicoleZ,

It is great that you are acknowledging your role in the breakdown of your marriage...you are clearly taking positive steps. However, I want to encourage you to remain astute and not to be too quick to take EVERYTHING your husband says as 100% truth. Here is why:

Six months ago, I had the bomb dropped on me. I recognized some truth to it...but some of it was just inexplicable. Foremost, he had never expressed unhappiness to me...and I am a sensitive sort that easily picks up on other people's emotions and am a good listener, so it wouldn't have been difficult to approach me. Like you, I have had a tendency toward depression/anxiety in the past, but I had been the happiest and calmest of my entire life for at least the last five years...so that didn't really explain WHY NOW he was suddenly unhappy or felt 'burdened'.

Less than a month after the first bomb drop (saying he wanted to separate), I found out about the OW. He claimed he had not met her until after telling me 'it was over' and I believed him...never mind that he had still been sleeping in my bed, dragging his feet on where he would live, etc., etc. while romancing her, but I suspect it was worse. Gradually - in part because of some things that I've learned on this forum, in part because of how 'advanced' their relationship was by the time I learned about it, in part because of odd things that he said leading up to bomb drop #1, and in part because of the hunches of my family - I think that he may have been pursuing some kind of relationship (not necessarily a physical one) in the weeks leading up to my first bomb drop. I'll never know for sure, but it seems more likely than not.

Now let me tell you, this is the LAST man I would ever suspect of cheating...and I still don't know if he was...or if he was just thinking about it...or if perhaps he genuinely just wanted out.

But a wise poster on this board named 25YearsMLC told me that very, very few men leave a relationship unless they've got their mind on another. I think that is unfortunately true.

The fact that your husband has refused to work on the M in counseling suggests to me that he is in a hurry to be somewhere else. He may not have pursued it yet, but its possible he's got someone in mind.

I know this is a painful thought, and I have NO evidence whatsoever to think that your husband is cheating. But I don't want you to say to yourself "THIS IS ALL MY FAULT" without also understanding that there is a possibility it is not ALL your fault.

I HOPE upon HOPE that your husband is not thinking about a relationship while he 'goes traveling,' because I think you are off to a great start in making the changes you need to make to save your M. So I want to talk about your separation...

I know you say that it is too hard to have your H in your house right now, but BELIEVE ME, that is exactly where you want him (even if he is cheating) if you are to have the best chance of saving your M.

Also, since you are separating, please sit down with him and request that he take three months without pursuing a new relationship. Tell him you are in pain, that you accept that he wants out, but ask him if out of respect for you - and in the chance that you might someday reconcile - if he couldn't just wait three months.

TRUST ME, DO THIS.

You may find out something you don't want to know based on his reaction to your request, but if there is no OW...or potential OW...then your H should be able to understand why you are making the request.

If he's been miserable for 9 years, then what is three more months? Right??

[tjb54]

WoW! Your husband must have compared notes with my wife in July.
Same stitch here. I'll be Keeping an eye on your post for insights. Hang in there!!

[realormakebeliev]

Hi NZ, welcome to the club, although I'm sorry you're finding yourself here.

I am a relative newbie myself, and it does take a while to learn the DB ropes. There is one thing I know for sure, though- It takes 2 to get where we are. It is never ALL your fault, so don't take that burden.

Best of luck!

[In_Shock]

yes, nicole-- it is NOT all your fault. In my sitch, if my W had talked to me -- seen a C -- I really think things would have been ok. It certainly wasn't because I didn't care or didn't try - read the book the 5 Love Languages. It's eye-opening.

Lots of experienced DBers here that will help get you through this time in your life. I encourage you to journal, post often, and people will get interested in your story and offer some WONDERFUL advice and wisdom. Welcome, and as others say, sorry you are here.

[ayngl]

I like what you have written. I've blamed myself for the end of our marriage and my husband blames me too.

[NicoleZ]

Thanks everyone.

Just noticed that "married to" is no longer part of his FB profile. Ouch! I see he also went out and bought some moving boxes and has started "staging" a move in the basement.

Is me just trying to stay poisitive and work on myself and try to do things that get positive reactions from him and avoid those that get negative ones really going to change his mind.

Or am I doing this just to put me in a better mindset to deal with the ultimate divorce?

[Forrest Gump]

My first question to you would be why do you think your situation is any different than any other here? And were you really surprised when the letter was delivered?

"So what should I do now? Do I just need to get my head around the fact that my whole life is going to be dramatically different than I thought? I can’t keep telling him I want to try and keep trying to make overtures when he has told me he is done and he wants me to stop trying."

What do you want?