Hi all... I'm new here as you can tell. Came across this forum as I frantically searched for remedies for my situation. I ordered Michele's book and have just started reading it, but in the meanwhile I guess I'd really like some immediate support and advice.
Here's my story: I met my husband online, chatted for about 6 months or so then met in person while I was vacationing in his country. Spent abut 3 months together, I then went back to England and he joined me 6 months later. We moved in together immediately, there was practically no dating period at all. We got on well and 3 years later we married. We have been married now for 3 years. We're both in our late thirties and attractive, with enough separate and joint interests and hobbies.
Our marriage had its ups and downs and in the last two years we also had to deal with a major financial hardship as well as him not being really happy in his job and feeling like it's not going anywhere. He also recently started to lose his hair and that is a major concern for him.
He also likes his...ahem...ladies and he finds it hard to open up emotionally. I guess, a typical male. I, on the other hand, can be clingy and needy from time to time though I'm trying really hard to work on that. We also had some issues with trust because of his flirting with other women.
Well, I went on vacation 3 weeks ago (for only a week and it was a family vacation with my parents), only to find him being really distant when I came back. I asked him what was wrong and he denied anything was wrong. I asked again the following day when his mood hasn't improved and he blurted out (all this whilst sobbing!!!) that he's unhappy and bored in marriage and that he wants to sleep with other women. I broke down and cried, but he was adamant that that's what he wants to do and the only way he would stay in a marriage is if we have an open marriage. That is, obviously, out of the question for me. I'm happy to experiment, but not with other people.
At first I thought that there was someone else involved, but there isn't. Since he dropped the divorce bomb 1 and a half weeks ago, we're ignoring each other. He still lives at home (separate bedrooms) and hasn't made any attempts to move out as far as I know. He's sitting in his room drinking beer and "liking" everything I post on the facebook. I tried to talk to him at first, but I'm not very good at controlling my emotions and start crying and he gets very uncomfortable and agitated. He's still adamant that he wants a divorce and that he has wanted one for a while. (I have since found out that he's been telling his friends for a while that he's not happy and wants a divorce.) So now, we just say "Hi" if we see each other in the kitchen and that's pretty much it. He sits in his room and I sit in mine.
I have booked myself an appointment with a prominent UK pro marriage counsellor and am seeing him tomorrow. I did mention to my husband that I have booked and paid for an appointment and that I'd like him to come and that it's fine if he comes and fine if he doesn't. He immediately said he will go, but let's see...
Do you guys and girls have any other advice that I can implement in the meanwhile... The living situation is driving me mad. I miss our chats and jokes.
Sorry you find yourself here, but you are among great people.
I wish I had some advice to offer you right now, but I'm kind of in a bad place right now and I really don't. Just know that you are not alone and the vets on this board are amazing.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Well...he went with me for counselling and I thought the therapist was great. Really positive and non judgemental, he feels positive about marriages and relationships which was good to hear.
My H broke down several times and things came out that I didn't ever hear before (like...the fact that a lot of his friends don't like me, that I'm too argumentative, etc...). We both cried a lot.
We went home and had dinner together (first time in two weeks), I felt hopeful that maybe he will continue therapy. He said he will let me know in about a week. But later, I heard him saying to someone on the phone he is definitely moving out. He was also making plans to go vacationing in Asia for Xmas.
I spent the whole night and morning crying. I feel like I can't cope at all, like I just want to throw in the towel and run away. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I'm a good person. I don't deserve any of this. I would love him so much to come to the therapist, but I understand that has to be his decision. I hate that he's so blase about it, while my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest and then stomped on.
I'm thinking about starting to pack my things and go home to my parents and just stay there. Good idea/bad idea?
While there are people who live in open Ms, I don't understand it and can't imagine how it works for them. If you don't want that, then really... that's his problem... aside from psychological concerns, there's also health concerns to consider...
So your H says he wants to sleep with other women, so in order to get his way... he's withholding sex? That doesn't sound like someone who is driven or starving for sex... because if he wants to be in an open M, then he'd still be "open" to sex with you...
But... as any WAS or MLCer... there is a confusion that sets in, so trying to figure out what's going on in his mind... likely to be impossible...
Perhaps he might be open to sex therapy... there's certainly many options out there to "mix things up" enough to satisfy what ever he feels is missing...
In the mean time... NOW is the time to start DBing, making great, positive changes in yourself, that stick... and becoming a woman only a fool (your H) would leave...
Aside from sleeping with other women, what else (you mentioned there was financial issues at one point) does he "complain" about in your M...?
What kind of women do you find he is attracted to? Would their "look" or "style" work for you? Don't do something that would not work for you... that IS NOT you... just changing some things up in what you wear, your hair...
Again, those things, along with GALing, and 180s... these things that make you an even more attractive option... these things, you do FOR YOU... and if your H notices (which he will), he might become curious and once again realize why he does not want to leave you, or would be a fool to...
Yesterday I had a crappy day...I cried and cried and cried and didn't see any way out of my mess. The worst thing is that I cried pathetically in front of him. I found out he's been telling EVERYONE that we're getting divorced. Then I decided to pull myself together, read Michele's book some more. Made notes and gather my strenght.
Since he's not showing any signs of moving, I decided to be proactive and asked around for properties. I found a place that sounds good and is perfect for short or mid term lease till I figure out what is really going on. I just know I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment. I'm also thinking this might jolt him and break the cycle of me being the pursuer and him being the distancer. I woke up today, told him I'm leaving the property by the end of the next week. I was strong, non clingy and non judgemental. Really calm. We talked a bit about what went wrong, what could have been done differently. He asked me where I was leaving and I said that I'm not ready to tell him yet, but I will let him know at some point. He cried. I gathered some of my stuff that was in our joint room and moved it all to the room where I am now.
Then I said that I was going to do some errands and that he's welcome to join me. He asked ih he can come in 10 minutes when the soccer finishes. I said that I'm going immediately and that I won't wait. (in calm, non angry, non agitated voice).
I did my errands, got a spray tan, felt good about myself. I came back, he's still in his room.
Later I'll go to church to do some praying.
More I think about it, the more I'm sure he doesn't have any valid reasons to leave me. I'm attractive, dress well, intelligent, guys like me and I was a loyal, non nagging wife (Ok, maybe a BIT of nagging...lol). We got on well. However, I do have a history of pursuing. Every time he distances, I pursue. I'm trying to change that and hope that it's not too late. I love my husband and want to save this marriage if I can...even if it means doing everything that is counterintuitive (like moving out...for example.)
@Kaffe Diem He also complained that he's bored. As I mentioned before, there have been major financial problems and we're still not out of them completely. Obviously, that meant that we couldn't do so much stuff that we used to do. We used to take 3-4 foreign trips per year and we went from that to ZERO per year. We had to move out of our large apartment in the centre of the city to a smallish place in the oustkirts. There was no money for pampering, clothes, NOTHING.
He's also not in a good place with his career and he's questioning every single choice in his life right now. I already mentioned he's losing his hair too which is a MAJOR concern to him. It's like he wants to relive his glory days of youth. I know he's not 40 yet, but because of hardships and stuff we have been through, his MLC has just shown up early and now he thinks the grass is greener.
I can only DB and GAL and hope his fog lifts. Please God.
