6+ Years Later ... He Wants to Come Home

[yellowbrickroad]

I understand what Beatrice is saying regarding the grieving process.
I don't think that I posted that I just moved forward with my life and pretended my 20 year marriage didn't mean anything.
I did grieve and I mourned the loss of what we had together.
The point I was trying to make was that during my Husbands absence I focused too much on his MLC.
There was so much damage done to our relationship mostly caused by his irrational behavior that instead of working on my own healing I wasted too much time trying to figure out what happened.
There were children to take care of and bills were piling up. My job in life was to try and keep everything as normal as possible for them.
It was a really bad period of my life and looking back I wish I had done things differently.
Just because they suddenly decide they want to come home again doesn't make all the problems suddenly dissapear.

[beatrice]

YBR I understand what you are saying [-and I think I know who you are! ] I do not think that anyone just pretends that the marriage didn't mean anything . . of course not, but I have noticed that those who reconcile within a two to three year period look at MLC through a slightly different lens than those of us who have gone the full 5 miles.

I am not saying worse or better, just different. I think if my h had decided to come home three years ago, I would be writing different posts. Yes, we have probably focused too much on their MLC, but when something blindsides you it is hard not to think 'why' for quite a while.

I am not saying that this is necessarily the best thing to do, but it is wholly understandable, and maybe even necessary.

As Valeria has pointed out - 6+ years out of a child's life, even an adult one, is a very long time. Especially with little or no contact. My xh also does not understand why his children are not interested in seeing him, and don't send him birthday or Christmas gifts. He ran off and left them, and now he wants back into their lives. The sheer length of time makes it hard.

Some MLcers stay in contact with their kids, but when they don't the rebuilding is extremely difficult.

[mandyloo]

Valeria, I am reading your posts with interest, you and I have been at this around the same timeframe, me I jumped off the rollercoaster ride, no longer standing and havent for some time. I have to say to yourself and to Beatrice that yes you are correct this mlc is a sucker and it doesnt take a couple of years to get over or grieve the loss of the marriage, on the whole it took me at least until the five year mark to realise enough is enough and move on fully, it is evident my ex is not ever coming back, he as been at this nor for some 7 years plus, my main problem and hurdle that I will never ever get over is the non contact from the ex to his only child, throughout the time he has been gone I can honestly say except for a couple of touch and gos of around 6 months each time, that ex just does not want to know his son, he walked out the door and walked away and just abandoned his son. He had the cheek to send son a birthday card back in august and managed to write on the bottom for son to call him if he wanted, sons answer was whats the point, he doesnt call me and there are more than two days in a year, ie birthday and christmas, so ex has done his own poisoning of his only child and I do not ever see that bridge being re-built now

[forward]

Wondering how V is doing.

[Valeria]

Hi Forward

Sorry for the delay in responding. I don't check in much these days, especially with the Christmas holidays and all.

It's funny how my feelings for XH have changed. I have come to some major decisions in the past few months: I don't want him back and I don't want to be his friend.

I wish him well. I told him about 2 months ago that I didn't see a future for us. His calls have all but stopped. He called last week but hung up after one ring.

I think his girlfriend is still in the picture (what a surprise!), but their R is one of cheating on each other and being miserable - especially during the holidays. It's some kind of sick co-dependency, but I don't want to be drug into any part of it.

I've been sick this year with Lyme disease that really did a number on me, but I'm almost well and one of my New Years' Resolutions is to start getting out again and meet new people. It feels really good to know that XH no longer has any hold on me.

I like your by-line "Making my own ending". I'm making mine too.

Val

[forward]

V,
Please take good care of yourself. I am glad that you have reached a point of resolve w/X. Despite resolutions, it is still hard to put aside feelings of pain sometimes, isn't it?

Please keep us informed. Sometimes it is good to see how things change for the LBS.