I don't know your sitch. I started posting in 2002, never posted much in MLC.
All I can say is: open your heart, it is a far greater risk not to do so.
You love the man XH is now, it seems. There is a difference between making XH pay for his sins, "earn" his way back in, rather than simply allowing a new R to start that of COURSE requires trust building -- it would with ANYONE after D.
Give yourself and XH the gift of a fresh start, a beginners mind.
Let go of any smidgen of wanting to settle the score, to be right, to win... All that will do is make you BOTH lose, and your son, and your grandson.
You have the compassion to see that XH's acts weren't about hurting you or his family. He was lost and in pain. He did the best he could, however shoddy his best was.
Now his best is far better, back to what you want and need. Don't push him away because of old hurts. They'll be there whether you reconcile or not.
Clean slate, earn trust, share intimacy, see what grows in this new R with deep roots.
I oftimes come across as more hard-nosed than I am actually am. I really do have compassion for XH but his recent history of alcohol, violence, police arrests, and inability to hold a job weigh heavily in my decision. Until I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is back to being the "good" man I was married to for 20+ years, I can't afford to take him back. He has a lot to prove to me.
I am seeing big glimpses of the man he USED to be - the man I loved as my H for 20+ years - but some lingering doubts remain. Recent phone conversations tell me that he isn't yet willing to tkae the time to convince me that I won't be jumping back into the fire. He wants to come home NOW.
I just can't risk it yet, Oldtimer.
I do want to emphasize that I don't believe in settling the score. Revenge has nothing to do with my decision. I want the very best for XH, whether it's with me or with someone else. I will help him in every way I can.
I want the very best for XH whether it's with me or with someone else ...EXCEPT THE OW!!!
OW was toxic for him and helped in a major way to bring him down. If XH and I can't work it out, I at least hope he picks a "good" woman the next time.
BTW, did I mention XH told me that OW felt no remorse whatsoever for her part in destroying a home and family? I foolishly had assumed that she felt at least some guilt over the years, but apparently not.
I've spent the past 6 years lamenting the mistakes I made during our M. I made a slew - far more than H. I've spent many a night agonizing over my stupidity .. mostly selfishness and taking H for granted.
Hindsight, right? But all that self-analyzing made me a better person and I promised myself early on that if my prayers were answered and H came home, I would finally be the W that he deserved.
H didn't believe me. He chose to continue his path with alcohol and OW. I waited on him for a long, long time. I kept the light burning ahd he knew it. We tried to reconcile 5 or 6 times, but the lure of alcohol and OW and living the "free" life took precedence. After so many years, I finally accepted that H would never come back -- but all was not in vain because I was a far, far better person than I was before.
So, to answer your question in a rambling way - I hope that I have done the work and learned my lessons. H has finally realized that I'm a different person and that's a major reason why he wants to come home.
The problem is .. H hasn't done all the work he needs to do. Not yet, anyway.
Oldtimer, I appreciate that you challenge me and my approach to this situation. It does give me pause to think.
Suppose it was some other guy coming out of MLC. Suppose he told you about his bad choices, womanizing, alcohol abuse, etc... But, he also seemed remorseful and to be demonstrating very different behavior.
Suppose you were really falling for the guy.
Would it be: "There are so many good things about us, but I don't feel totally safe yet because of your recent past. How can we work through this while continuing to grow as a couple?"
Or
Would it be: "There are so many good things about us, but I don't feel totally safe yet because of your recent past. Come back when you've changed enough to make me feel safe."
Look, I'm definitely NOT pushing you to have him move home before you are ready for that. But if that is ever to happen, the work that needs to be done is not just his alone, it is also yours (yes still, there is more to do), and what I'm really pushing is that it will also have to be OURS (yours and XH's together as a partnership, as a team).
Becoming is real partner is going to feel risky to you NO MATTER WHO THAT PARTNER IS. But, to have real intimacy with anyone, it is a step you will have to take.
Maybe taking a dip in the deep end with XH is exactly what you BOTH need to continue to make progress as individuals and as partners.
You are very wise indeed to have 2nd thoughts. over the past few years you have grown and matured and made the changes you needed to make. just because you love someone and forgive them does not mean you have to allow them back into your life again. take things very slowly and set your boundaries. You have made a new life for yourself so don't be motivated by guilt or fear. If it is meant to be it will happen in your own time and when you are ready. blessings YBR
If I met a man in, coming out of, or going into MLC .. I would run for the hills!!!!!!!!
Actually, I took some time to think about this before I posted my answer.
Given the two scenarios, it would be Scenario #2.
I realize there's no crystal ball to tell me what any man might do. I realize that life is a chance you take.
I also know that I'm comfortable (and safe) in my present single state. There's no great need within me to be a part of a couple. After all the upheaval and uncertainty of the past 6+ years, I enjoy the predictable peace that I wake up to every morning.
I miss the "old" H with all my heart. If MLC hadn't set in (or whatever it was!), then I've no doubt that H and I would have stayed married forever. In an ideal world, H and I could have sought counseling to fix our problems and lived happily ever after.
But .. it didn't work that way. And I'm too exhausted to work through any more issues with H.
With all due respect, a dip in the deep end is too risky. Three years ago, I would have jumped in feet first. So, if it happens at all, it's going to be a long, slow process and that's something I'm reasonably sure that H will not do.
My caution is undoubtedly sabotaging any chance of real reconciliation that H and I might have, but the burning desire to get back together is no longer within me. If it happens, that's wonderful. If not, I can survive okay on my own.
Hmmm.. I just read what I wrote. It sounds like commitment phobia, doesn't it? Lol, maybe I do need some professional counseling after all!!!
Thanks again for asking the questions that make me think.
Valeria - I totally relate to all you have written [including running for the hills LOL]. Yes, we made mistakes, yes we fixed ourselves, so others have noticed too - not just in our heads. Yes we have compassion for the MLcer. But ultimately they made choices that hurt very many people. That isn't being vindictive, but clear sighted.
I also want my xh to be happy, but until he faces himself, any reconciliation isn't going to help him to be happy. These MLCer tried that already.
I also agree that three years ago I would have jumped at reconciliation, but the passage of time, and my having got a good life together, on my own, makes me reluctant to take further chances. Like your xh, mine came back several times, and left again. That alone makes me cautious.
It is actions, not words that we need to see after all of this time.
