Valeria all the best, you seem to have a handle on your situation.
I was reading that your husband had a younger ow for the most part of the six years. Did this relationship die a natural death and your husband was able to walk out on her, or did he need to go through the withdrawl that Heartsblessing talks about.
I found it interesting when I read that your husband told you he did not care for his ow. Mine has said the same thing, however mine went on to marry her. My XH has been with ow for four years, always told everyone how he would never marry again, let alone her.
No one has ever met the ow. XH does not talk with anyone from his past life, inculding his children for the past threee years. I am assuming he has either forgotten everyone, or trying very hard to erase everyone from his previous live.
I don't know the specifics on the ending of the affair b/c I never asked. All that H volunteered was that she was too young. However, I know that she cheated on him at least once during their affair and the "OM" went around bragging about it. I'm sure her cheating played into the final split.
He said that they had been apart for several months when he began initiating contact with me again. I don't know if he went through withdrawal but I'm sure he did to some extent because they had been together for 5 years.
He did say that she never loved him like I loved him.
However, I take everything that H says with a grain of salt, especially with regard to the affair. He had to have felt something for her or their R would not have lasted 5 years. The OW in both our sitches apparently met some need (albeit temporary) that our H's thought they were missing with us. In my case, one attraction was their mutual love of alcohol.
After we split up in 2005, H told his mother that he would never marry the OW and he didn't. After he begun his affair, he brought the OW around his family immediately and practically shoved her down their throats. For awhile, they seemed like one big happy family but it didn't last long. The family is splintered now.
H also lost contact with his kids (both from previous M and ours).
I'm surprised that your H married his OW but the fact that he has kept her hidden from his family is interesting. Maybe his family was more supportive of you and your M than mine was. If so, then he would want to avoid any grief or shame by keeping her away.
In any event, it doesn't sound like a M that has much chance of surviving.
you mentioned that your X had lost contact with his kids from a previous marriage and yours. How is this relationship now?
both my kids have not spoken to their father at least three years. XH has been with ow since December 2007. OW is 20 years younger, and about 5 years older than son.
My XH family was very supportive of my marriage. They all knew that XH loved me very much, and that there were no problems with the marriage.
ever since I went threw with the divorce, I have distanced myself from the inlaws. they wanted me to be a doormat until XH came threw with this, which they believed, he would have pullled threw if I had not inticiated divorce. XMIL wanted her son to get back with me up until a few weeks ago when I told her he married. She did not believe me and swore her son repeatedly told her he would never marry the ow.
About 10 years ago, I was having coffee with a very dear friend of mine when her cell phone rang and was told her mother (86years old) had gotten into a car accident. I rushed with her to the hospital, where I saw an old man crying over the old lady, kissing her and telling her how much he loved her. I turn around to my friend and said "I hope my husband loves me as much as your father loves your mother when we reach their age". My friend then told me the story that over 35 years ago her father left her mother for ow. They also had a child together. The father kept telling his wife to give him some time and he will be back. He still has not returned, however he visits his wife three times a week, and sometimes on the weekend. He always goes back to his ow. Two years ago I spend christmas with her family (her husband always spends christmas with his ow). The lady now in her 90s told me she is planning on getting divorced. The reason was that if she dies, she does not want ow moving into her house. My friend is angry that her mother wasted her life waiting for her father to return.
What a sad story. When the woman's H said, "Give me more time and I will be back", he was being incredibly selfish. He wanted his W at home waiting on him to return, which she did. I think these cowards say that because they aren't sure if the new R will work out so they want the back-up (Wife) waiting in the wings, just in case.
Back to your sitch .. I suspected that you had support from your in-laws which is why your H won't bring OW around. Although, don't be surprised if later down the road the in-laws become more receptive to the OW. I've seen it happen many times -- they are initially against the affair but later are forced to accept it if they want to keep their son/brother in their lives. It hurts either way - whether they accept the OW from the start or accept her later.
My sitch .. H had two sons from his first marriage and one son from ours. The OW was several years younger than any of his own kids!!
He has very limited contact with his two sons from his first M. The younger son won't even call him "Dad" anymore but calls him by his first name. He has lost all respect for him.
My son has not seen H since 2006 and doesn't want to. H hurt our grandkids and my son can't forgive him for that. I'm not sure I can forgive him that sin either. Hurting me is one thing .. hurting innocent little kids is another.
Case in point .. My grandson was just 3 when H left. I was watching him one day and he kept running to the door to see if "Papa" was home. After he asked me about 100 times to call Papa, I finally did and told him that he needed to come to the house and see gs. H showed up about a half hour later and only stayed a few minutes, he didn't spend much time with gs at all. After H left, gs ran to me with tears in his eyes and said, "Papa just see me a tiny while". It broke my heart.
H told me recently that before he left that day, gs wrapped his arms and legs tight around H and asked him not to go. H said that the memory of that day haunts him. As well it should.
I highly doubt ow now wife will ever meet the mil.
She has limited contact with my xsils because she does not like them too much. She perfers her sons visiting alone or with her grandkids. She tolerates the sils. MIL is one tough lady. She has not spoken to her own mother in over 25 years.
My MIL lives in Europe. I live in Canada with my two children and XH lives in the USA. XH moved to the US for work in 2005. He met a mexican girl 20 years younger who had a young son, and no money. H met her at a bar and took her home with him. She cheated on him numerous times, but he has forgiven her becaause he claims she has had a rough life. The ow/now wife recently got her green card. My XH lost his job January 2011 therefore does not have a visa to remain in the US. Perhaps this is why he married her. or perhaps being with her for four years, he has adapted to a new normal for him. Everyone we know has lost respect for him.
I am convinced the man is mentally ill, and there is nothing I can do. Whenever I did try to reach out he told me I am a horrible person and to move on with my life.
I am happy that your H wants to reconcile with you. I want my XH to wake up and stop being stupid. I do not believe I want mine back, but I want him to acknowledge what he did to his family.
Your H confessed that day with your gs still haunts him. I want my XH whole life with his family to haunt him, because he really had no reason to walk away.
Valeria, Wow.........I have not been here in some time and yet it was so nice to see a thread by you. You were always one of the ones I kept in my prayers. It's nice to hear how well you're doing.
I don't envy the position you're in right now. Take it slow. My H has been back for several years now. It's ok........but we've (me) have had to work thru and live thru such selfishness that mlc brings - where life is "all about me". "all about me" is tough to live with....but it is what it is.
goooooooooo sloooooooow before you decide anything........but I'm sure you know that. you've been thru the mill - don't be quick to jump back into the grinder again.
bless you,
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
How wonderful to hear from you again!!! Over those years, your advice often kept me grounded when I tended to go off course.
Once again, you're here to make sure I don't screw it up, lol!! Thank you Brue.
Yes MLC is all about selfishness and "me"-ness. It sounds as though your H never totally worked though his issues.
My XH and I talked again for a couple of hours last Saturday night and he truly seems to be out of MLC. He told his family that everything was his fault (180 degree) and he is getting everything out of his life that he acquired during those crazy 6 years. He finally makes sense to me. We can carry on a logical conversation like we did pre-MLC. I thought that would never happen again.
Thanks again, Brue, for your unfailing good advice and your prayers.
Hi Valeria, I have read your story many times. I found it in my early days of reading as there was the same age gap between my H and his OW and I was searching for help to come to terms with it. I was so sad when I then read you had D. Seems strange now that you are reposting and things have changed again in your sitch. My H and OW are now into year 4 of the A. They too are drinking buddies and H posts about it on fb all the time, almost boasting about their antics.
I wish you well, and I truely hope things continue to improve with your H. You deserve the best.
I always thought that a huge age gap (25+ years) would be the death of a relationship, but my XH stayed with OW for almost 6 years. I think they got a lot of flack over their age difference from other people, which might have made them stay together out of defiance.
What I think killed their relationship was not as much the age difference as the fact that XH ran out of money.
XH also realized that OW never really loved him. He had heart surgery last year and she never came to the hospital to see him. XH finally realized that if she really cared about him, she would have been there. (When H had his first heart attack 15 years ago, I was at his hospital bedside day and night.)
Things have come to another standstill with XH and me. He was pushing too hard to come back home. Whether we ever work it ut or not remains a big question mark. I'm not closing the door yet, but .. I really don't think XH has the wherewithall to do the work.
You too deserve the best, Hoping. Stay strong and positive.
