Earlier, h said some things at mc that I was not expecting.
He said that there is still a part of him in love with me, and that he loves me for many other things too. He said he feels sentimental about our past and wishes he felt the same.
Then he said that he felt conflicted right now. He wants to be free, and at the same time, he doesn't want to lose me.
I wasn't expecting to hear this, because he has been so adamant about wanting to leave. He's had tantrums over this, and has sometimes mentioned it on a daily basis. Whenever I tell him that he is free to go, he would never go and I didn't understand that either.
I could see that he is in a lot of pain, very conflicted. He cried and said that part of him wants to stay but he feels a force that is pulling him away from me.
He also talked about how he wants to have more freedom to do things if he stayed with me. This I don't understand because I have never told him he can't do anything. I guess that is the mlc talking..
I'm still working on gal, trying to keep a positive attitude, be less clingy, work on me... and I think he's seeing it,well, hopefully.
dang, rent some comedies or read some light hearted books ASAP!
Lighten things up as far as the "surroundings" and or your demeanor.
I am not saying to be a doormat at all,
but as far as the "mood" you set, don't let it be a downer or an angry one around HIM. IF he does something that is hurtful you can react to THAT in the moment...
but for your outlook generally, (for him AND FOR YOU),
you have got to be more hopeful and upbeat and believing in YOU...
Okay? Can you try to do that? Remember that dancer within?
Go get her back! She is still YOU. Do you get that?
Wishing you strength CT...big time.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25... you are probably right. I wonder if you can sense my mood through the computer screen? lol I've been quite down. I'll take your advice and start fresh tomorrow. I remember that dancer... she was young and so strong.
It's awful of me to say this, because I want to believe... but I can't help but think his revelations about not wanting to lose me, being partially in love... comes from his loss of ow. I don't want him clinging to me because he's afraid of losing me now. I want us to have a healthy relationship.
give him a LOT of time to figure that out, if your pride can handle it. You cannot expect him to simply "realize it". Meanwhile be upbeat for YOU and your d and GAL and stop staring at him to decide if you are "allowed" to be happy now. At SOME point you'll have to see that HIS happiness or misery is NOT an index for yours....okay? ((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
give him a LOT of time to figure that out, if your pride can handle it. You cannot expect him to simply "realize it". Meanwhile be upbeat for YOU and your d and GAL and stop staring at him to decide if you are "allowed" to be happy now. At SOME point you'll have to see that HIS happiness or misery is NOT an index for yours....okay? ((( )))
That's the thing. I never realized how co dependent I had become with him. There's been no separation of our moods, our actions, etc in years. I don't know how that happens, but it did.
Today is so strange. It feels as if nothing has happened. As if the BD never happened. He acts like he's comfortable and relaxed, not cold and distant. He seems to be happy... and doesn't act like he wants to escape me and the house.
Is this what you call, peeking out of the tunnel?
I have plans tonight though, which don't include him. I'm going on ahead and continue gal, because I don't want things to slip back into the old.
It's just a weird feeling though... like going back in time. Anyone relate to that?
