anxiety attack

[d1adsl5a]

divorce final sept. 1st.

I have Gen. Anxiety Disorder from the last 2.5 years of this horrible divorce. I know it is irrational. But I have become just so afraid of soon to be ex wife. I took my boys out to a friends cottage. Worried the night before that if I didn't sleep or boys didn't have a good time they would tell their mom and she would cause more issues with the divorce. I have spent $50k in attorney's fees. She could care less because I have to pay her attorney's fees as well. She has taken everything from me, even my soul I feel sometimes. Every day she is mad about something. It has taken it's toll on me. Every text is a jolt of anxiety for me. Even today she started in about splitting the tools in the garage. How much is enough?? Take, take, take. Her verbal jabs never used to get to me. Well they do now. I fear her. I fear letting my sons down. I fear letting my parents down. I fear letting the guy I coach football with down. I fear letting my boss down. I fear letting the people that work for me down...

I was a guy that never feared anyone or anything...This divorce has taken it's toll on me. I am in therapy and do take something for sleep. I just want the anxiety to end...I know it is temporary. But it has been over 5 months..

[kml]

So sorry ((((((hugs))))))

I do think there's a certain PTSD that goes along with this stuff.

My divorce was much more cooperative but I still get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see an email from my ex.

Exercise, B vitamins, fish oil, MUSIC (the happy kind!), and the minute the divorce is over, limiting contact with the ex to as few emails as possible.

[d1adsl5a]

I can't wait for that. I have tried, believe me...But it has affected every aspect of my life. I have taken the high road so many times. I am just looking forward to being able to speak my mind. I agree with the PTSD theory. I was able to handle things for awhile after she moved out. Then I crashed...I do work out.

I do listen to "happy music"

I just want to stop living in fear from her. She has taken so much from me. Not just financially, but emotionally.

[kat727]

I think divorce is the worst thing I have ever gone through. It is worse if it is something that you don't want. However, it proceeds regardless. So best to cut ties as much as possible to protect yourself.

This may sound bad but it is how I learned to cope. My now ex was acting like an alien. I felt as if the person that I fell in love with, the one I married had died. I mourned the loss of him and our marriage. I spent the last three years post divorce putting my kids and myself back together. We still have our days but for the most part our lives are back on track.

I did go to a counselor for a year and speaking to others here helped a great deal. Sorry that you find yourself here but realize that it does get better with time.

kat

[AtTheEnd?]

I've been through the same. All that I can say is that it does get better. Keep working out, doing things for yourself and your children. Reading will help as well (fiction). Get involved in sports or other hobbies. Do what is best for you.

[d1adsl5a]

Good to know the anxiety gets better. I tried AD before. I don't do well with the side effects..I will just have to learn how to deal with my anxiety.

But that is the thing is the control she has had over me during this divorce. The fear of responding in kind to her verbal attacks. Fear of her threats. I know the threats are empty now, but as you said, it is a learned behavior. I just want to be able to say what I am thinking for the first time in 3 years instead of taking the high road.

anyway, thanks for the encouragement...

[JCJ]

d1,

I'm sorry anxiety is horrible to go through, I experienced it for a long while after my divorce. Anxiety is your stress reaction to the events and you need to deal with the physical symptoms before you can get down to the nitty gritty of dealing with your wife.

So there are some breathing exercises you can do but these only really work when you start to feel the anxiety. One is breathing in through your nose and out through your nose but imagining the breath running through your lungs in a circular movement. The other is singing. Singing not only distracts you but it also regularizes your breathing, so find a song that you can sing to yourself once you feel your anxiety starting. It is all about nipping the anxiety before it builds up to the big crescendo. There is a lot of cognitive behavioural exercises around this, and books you can read which give good techniques.

With regards to your wife. Whilst it would be really nice to respond and tell her exactly what you think, it sounds like she is trying to provoke a reaction and it would make her respond with more. Also not nice for your kids. I would journal your thoughts and reactions, get them out of your head. Keep a book where you can release this stuff and then when the time is right and it is done and you are happy destroy it. It will be very liberating. Really talk to your wife in it, tell her how you feel and how she is making you feel.

Secondly, you could get another phone, one for everyday messages and one for your wife. That way, you know when that phone goes the message is from your wife and you can choose when to read it and mentally prepare yourself, it gives you back some of the power, even if she doesn't know it.

Finally, this is *her* problem, it is not yours. You could not control the divorce, it happened but now it has you have an opportunity to live your life. Don't let her take that away. Be your own man, be a good dad, the only person you can ever let down is yourself and so far, it seems, in not responding you haven't done that. Well done.

Keep going, it does get better with a bit of practice, re-training of thoughts and time.

[bright_new_day]

The last several years of my marriage I was on an AD. Dealing with the anxiety of being married and trying to make things work was nerve wracking. Ironically I was off the meds within about 5 months of separating. As stressful as divorce was, it was less stressful than being married to my ex. In the initial stages of the divorce when he called or when I was around him I did feel that anxiety again, but it was temporary. I think Gineen expressed it well when she said she realized what's the worst thing he could do, divorce her. He already was doing that so he had no control. Your ex has no control over you unless you give it to her. Don't give it to her! You call the shots for your life.
My ex first talked about divorcing about 3 years into our marriage. I lived with that threat for the next 17 years. That is a lot of power for one person to have. So eventually he exercised it and now we are divorced. And now he has no hold over me and I feel free. He has no threat to hold over me anymore. I control my own destiny. I can decide to talk to him or not as necessary. When he starts whining (which he does frequently about how the divorce wasn't fair, he doesn't agree with the financial part or the custody) I don't have to listen to it anymore. He wanted a divorce and he got it. His attorney wrote the final agreement and he signed it, so I don't have to discuss that with him anymore. It doesn't make me anxious or upset anymore, other than the fact that it is 4 years later and he is still boo-hooing over the same things and I am tired of hearing it! You don't have to listen to her anger. Keep the conversations limited to information regarding the kids. If she wants half the tools you pick which ones to give her, set them aside, and tell her when she can come pick them up. Don't let her push you around or try to intimidate you. You have the right to call the shots for yourself!

[d1adsl5a]

Suzy, I like the quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I have read the book and I have learned to meditate using his CD's....

That must have been hard living with that over your head for 17 years. I know there will be no magical switch that happens for me on September 1st..But the biggest thing is that her power will be gone. For example, yesterday--I again had to keep my mouth shut. I was at my son's football game, she needed to drop something off for my son, she was late for work, I leave the field to meet her at the entrance.

What does she do? Because I didn't walk fast enough, she throws the stuff out the window into the road screaming all the way...

Another coach was walking by and witnesses her craziness and says it is hell to be married...

I can't tell you how many things I wanted to say about how she treated me. I didn't say a word but just laughed and said to myself, in another few days, I can say what is on my mind.

If I think about it, she has had this power over me for most of our marriage...That will be my biggest relief and hopefully my anxiety will start to subside....

[ClingingToHope]

Or don't say it. That's an option. Just be the bigger person and don't give her the satisfaction. Just move on.