Denver, have your bad night, you are surely entitled to it.
But I, for one, think that analyzing every conversation, every reaction and every step is for the birds. At some point, I just trust that my intentions come from the best places inside of me. I mean, I trust my intentions even if the execution leaves room for improvement.
If your WAW decides to continue to walk away, it will be because she wanted to walk away and not because you didn't allow her to continue to disrespect your marriage.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I'm trying to be consistent but also polite and as loving as I can be.
Denver
I think your wife's e-mail was the first of the many tests Starsky predicted. Sounds to me like you're doing the best you can in the circumstances, Denver.
This has been the absolute worst day that I've had in a long time. I am absolutely miserable not knowing if I am doing the right thing or if I am handling my sitch in the right way.
Denver
You are so not detached man. Forgive me for the conflicting advice and "projecting" my sitch.
I do believe our WA's need to change though, and we can't change them. The split personality crap, cold vs. nice, how long are you going to endure that? Say you get back together and it continues? You're back to square one?
Detaching means you are mentally and emotionally prepared for many different future scenarios. It will make you stronger, not outwardly for others to see, but inwardly. And lo and behold, it makes you more attractive.
What I am trying to say is, until you really let go, is she going to change? I don't know - But you can figure it out. Just something to think about.
I recommend a healthy prayer life. He Knows.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
...didn't see the pain of SS coming so fast though.
That stinks.
FWIW, your text back didn't stink. I think saying you'll miss her was smart to say. But " gots no real answers for ya!"
sorry
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=InAPickle] Remember what I said: you can change all you want to, but if she doesn't, decide if that's the W you can't live without.
My W is as up and down as our situation is. One minute, she is the person that I fell in love with and married, and the next minute, she is the cold, hardened person who left me. THAT is the problem. I would definitely get on board with your point if she was always that cold person.
She is so damn confused about what she wants for her life ... that is what is driving the roller coaster that I am on. [/quote
You have been confused and confusING to her too Denver. Every situation is different. Don't let others project their situations onto you and yours (no offense pickle). But Pickle, unlike your ex w and her "come hell or high water" approach to divorcing you, Denver's wife hasn't been that way.
I'm not saying I see sure signs of recon for them, but I see SOME.
Denver's wife told him she loves and misses him and sometimes, she acts like it...that's something. Sorry Pickle, but IDK what your w said or did, except the end result sounds like she was done from the get go.
If Denver's wife were in those shoes, we wouldn't be here.
Also, just to make sure we don't all forget the things SHE recalls
(and admittedly must let go of SOMEDAY VERY SOON)
but Denver was a real jerk to her-- for a long time. Way Longer than the 9 months of his "new good guy" behavior.
(No offense Den, just using a nicer version of your own words to describe you).
MHL's post rings true and healthy to me, Denver. So,
tell us why you can't GAL and do the good 180s,
all while NOT knowing the future?
Are any of us certain of our futures? (btw, the answer is "no")...
besides, given the above info Doesn't She have the right to fear reconciling as much as Denver?
Denver, you have to do what the rest of us had to do to become whole (attracting) people...
suck it up, do healthy things, GET HAPPY and move forward, all while NOT knowing the choices others will make...
Truth be told, you CAN do it. You just don't feel like it.
So here's my "HMO version of one stop therapy"---
a slap to the face & yelling for you to "SNAP OUT OF IT!!"
((( ))) PS did that help?
hey 25... just want to let you know that I read this post twice. Did it help? Not tonight. But hopefully it will ring true to me in the days to come. I do need to snap out of it. I have no choice.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
W: "Are you interested in just going to the concert with SS and I?"
I responded:
Me: "As much as I want to say yes W, I just don't think that it is a good idea. I will definitely be missing being with you guys though."
Just called SS to see how his first day of school went.
He and W were shopping for some new school clothes.
We talked about that and school briefly.
Then he asked me if I was going to the concert tomorrow night.
I told him that I wasn't. That it wasn't a good idea for me to go. That he and his mom needed some space apart. That I really want to go but that it's not a good idea right now. I then said that we will go to another in the future.
SS said: "that's what you said last time"
He was referring to a concert that I had gotten us all tickets to last summer before W and I separated.
I did not go to that concert bc W and I had gotten into a huge argument about something f'ing stupid and I was throwing a fit.
When SS said that tonight, I said, "This is different bud. I am not mad at your mom, and I want to go. It's just not a good idea right now."
SS said ok. I told him to have a good time at the concert, that I loved him, and we got off of the phone.
^^^^ Continued UPDATE ^^^^^
W emailed me back:
W: "Fine. I guess we will just waste the ticket."
I did not respond to that email.
W emailed again an hour and a half later.
W: "In response to you email about us. All I took from your email is that you still didn't tell me if you're dating or f*cking someone else. I guess I'm just supposed to assume you are and that secrets are still how you communicate with me. At least I was honest with you when I started dating."
I didn't reply to this email right away.
W then texted me 15 minutes after her last email.
W: "I don't know if you got my emails but I'm going to give your ticket away since you don't want to go with us"
Me: "I completely understand."
W: "F*ck you. That's how I'm feeling."
I then replied to her email.
Me: "I'm not trying to be secretive W. I'm not dating anyone. I hung out with the woman that I told you about a few times over the past several weeks. However, I told her the other night that I need time before I can consider seeing her again. I have not slept with her."
W replied.
W: "Whatever. I hope she's everything you always wished I was. F*ck her and f*ck you for maintaining a relationship with the b!tch all these years even when we were together."
Great day.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
"W, I said in that email that I am not dating this woman. I made the decision to stop even hanging out with her because I am not ready and because I didn't feel right about it. And you should also know that this is someone who I hadn't spoken to in 9 years before I ran into her at my h.s. reunion.
I honestly don't know why you are so angry or so surprised W that I would open myself up to moving forward with my life and consider dating after 9 months of doing everything that I possibly can to show you that the only person in the world I ever want is YOU... only to be told that I am not wanted in return.
I've said it a million times W, but I will say it one more time... I WANT to be MARRIED to YOU... and ONLY YOU. I don't ever want to spend another second with any other woman. EVER. You are the love of my life, I want to spend the next 30-40 years making wonderful memories with you, and I want to grow old with you. I never want to let stress, work, or anything else in my life come between us again. I have dedicated my life over the past 9 months to learning where I messed up and how WE can make things between us great.
But what I want means nothing unless you want the same thing. And I cannot continue to live like I have for the past 6 months. I will not share you and I will not live in an open marriage. What you want me to do is too painful and unhealthy for me. You have been very clear about what you want for your life through both words and actions. I cannot make decisions for myself based on anything but those words and actions. I need to begin moving forward with my life."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You know what I sensed from the above exchange Denver?
She doesen't trust you. You don't trust her. You're both on your guard. Pushing buttons and testing. Not very attractive, same ole stuff as 6 mos ago.
Time to do something different. But what? You obviously both still care - (somewhat).
Problem is this is eerily, scary similar to many WA's. They want to be friends; they want to be buds, but they still want to carry on with their OP's. Some even want to be roommates!
I can't tell you what to do about her man. You've told what you want. You've told her what you can't tolerate. Just remember, feelings are everything to a WA, especially a WAW.
But you've got to heal yourself - for you, and for SS. Listen man, ask any student after an exam, or athelete after a tryout. Sometimes your best just isn't good enough - on that day. So you prepare for the next time, by doing what? making your best, just a little better, but there are no f@cking guarantees. If you don't snap out of it as 25 said, this could go on interminably.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
