And yet the basic question is still being avoided, will DBing work while dating? Does it only work within a marriage?
Basically, I'm not asking an ethical question of whether or not I SHOULD DB this girl. Rather, I am asking a practical question, if I DB this girl properly will I get her back? If it is possible, what is the best technique at this time?
In answer to your question - Will DBing work while dating? The answer is not that simple. My question is "Did DBing work in our marriages?" Well if success is defined by the answer "DBing got my spouse back for me" then I will say a resounding "NO". And most people here (and yes I know some people are in piecing and getting it back) will say NO. BUT...
DBing and working things out in your marriage are really 2 different things. Since being on this board and reading DB and DR - I have applied the DB principals to many aspects of my life and YES - dating is one of them and truthfully - YES - the DB principals can help you achieve the desired results.
For example - if something is not working - do a 180 - try something else. I applied this to getting my BF in the early days to call when he said he was going to call. This was a big deal to me. I wanted him to be reliable. When I explained to him that it upset me - it really didn't help. I tried that few times. Nope - didn't work. When I finally wasn't available when he DID call - that was a 180. He never ever failed to call when he said he would after that.
There are MANY other examples of DB principals that are effective in all relationships in your life. That one - "if something is not working - do something different" is one of my favourites.
So the answer to your questions is - YES - you can apply DB principals to dating. But I think your question really is "Will I get her back". And the answer is "Who knows"? Only you can decide whether or not you should try.
Thank-you. I must say that if the sucess of DBing is in getting your spouse back it seems that there isn't a very good sucess rate. I think the lack of available person-to-person therapists and the biased shoulder play major factors in that.
I still haven't figured out what I can do differently at this time about this girl. I don't know what kind of 180 I could pull. I had tried talking to her, moving the relationship forward, and got the "you're pushing me" attitude.
On Aug. 5th I ordered a funny shirt to be shipped directly to her and the 7th is the last time she talked to me. The ordered had already been processed and shipped so I couldn't stop the shirt from being delivered and she got it on the 15th.
So now I haven't talked to her at all in three weeks and had zero form of contact for two weeks. Only thing I think back on is LRT and the concept of "if you're not sure what to do, do nothing".
That logical part of me goes, "she uses drugs, has kids which I've never been interested in before, and she's shut me out, so why bother" but everytime I try to forget her I can't. I've become spiritual and I've asked for guidance and to help me forget her but nothing, she's in my head every day.
As far as getting a life goes I've tried the best I can with my work schedule. I'm stuck now because I have taken an interest in yet another girl so now I'm REALLY torn.
Yup, sure I'm going to get lectured more on how I'm not really ready to be dating anybody.
All I can say is that the ball is really in her court now. You really can't do much more there.
But if you're still agonizing over her - you're not really being fair to someone new until you resolve those feelings. Everything should come clear to you in time. But there is much to be said for working on yourself. By yourself.
There's that rule of thumb that you should see improvement in two weeks if what you're doing DB wise is working. I haven't seen any change, which is part of the LRT, that if you're in a holding pattern then things aren't getting worse. But, the holding pattern is complete separation.
I want "to do something different" but don't know what.
I talked with the other girl and told her that I wanted to get to know her better and take her out. She told me she was torn because she has been on and off with a guy for awhile and had told me she wasn't seeing anybody because they were arguing. She said it is very volatile between her and this guy. I told her that I didn't want to get in the middle of it if it's volatile and she has a thing for this guy and that she can let me know if and when she wants to spend time with me. I did that Monday night and haven't heard from her since.
