I understand I'm just touching the surface here, but I think that in some ways as may have been suggested by 25, it may be time to change stuff up a bit.
While things are "better", there appears to be little forward movement. Since you can't change her... what can you do for you that might edge things forward.
I also wanted to touch on your W's comment after the "booze incident". Again, like 25 suggests, your W does appear to have her finger on the trigger. But I wonder about looking at the other side...
Might there be a reason why she thinks you have some issue with her? Sure, the apparent trigger was the "faces" you made around the booze. But that was her pulling the trigger and not necessarily the reason she thinks something is still not quite right and why she won't make more emotional steps towards you...
So what could you do to become a more open vessel for her to trust being more emotionally connected with?
and I wanted to ask, how great is your kid's life now if your d6 has to construct make up scenes for you two?
She KNOWS things are not right, and if this keeps up, I don't think her view of m will be such a "healthy happy" one as you claim...
maybe if you were in a healthy m, she could see THAT...
instead of what is.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
hate to be cynical here...but your w has a roof over her head and food on the table and her tuition paid for, ALL b/c of you..
and a babysitter for the kids....so she "doesn't know what SHE wants"....but MAYBE she'll want to go to law school....
I think there's a strategic reason for her staying. I forgot how long you have been married, but at some point the military will award her part of your pension...
Sorry Navy, but I don't believe she's "working on the m" at this point. She's biding her time.
But for the life of me, her inability to change HERSELF or the dynamic is very hard to witness or understand.
She's unhappy and YOU CANNOT change that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hope you don't mind me posting here. I have read MANY of your posts to others. Your wisdom and insight are amazing. I would LOVE it if you could read my posts and give me your feedback. I am feeling so overwhelmed and desperate right now, I really don't know what to do. I have posted some, but am getting very few replies. PLEASE read my post and give me your feedback. I would appreciate it greatly.
Thanks, Molly V "Help me please" is the title of my posts
I'm sure there are reasons...W has always thought I am too quick to judge others. I would say that I do it far less than the average person...W is just extremely sensitive to it. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, and I go out of my way to try not to do it (a 180), but the occasional slip-ups and/or misunderstandings are going to happen.
I don't know exactly why she thinks things aren't quite right... She is still very much living in the past, and refuses to see what she has today (and has completely blocked out the many, many positive things from our past).
I honestly don't know what actions I could take to allow her to trust me more...I have been walking on eggshells for a year now...and she "pulls the trigger" at the SLIGHTEST slip-up every time (I would say there's been one every 2-3 months). When she pulls the trigger, she starts telling herself what an idiot she is for coming back here and giving me a chance and thinking that things could be ok again. That is what she told me the other day. I cannot be perfect...she gets pissed at me if I judge someone for 5 seconds...yet I feel like I'm standing in front of a judge, jury, and executioner 24/7.
Sorry if I seem negative here...but I'm a bit stressed right now and need to vent a bit.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
and I wanted to ask, how great is your kid's life now if your d6 has to construct make up scenes for you two?
She KNOWS things are not right, and if this keeps up, I don't think her view of m will be such a "healthy happy" one as you claim...
maybe if you were in a healthy m, she could see THAT...
instead of what is.
25...I totally agree...and that is probably the single thing that bothers me the most about my sitch. I think a good part of what I'm dealing with now is a result of how W and I were raised...and I don't want my kids to grow up that way.
I still see a lot of positives of having both of us around though. They are very loved, and have great relationships with both of us. If W and I split, they would be in daycare. I wouldn't get to see them every day. While W and I have greatly differing personalities, I think we do provide a great balance to each other in the way we raise them.
I would love nothing more than for my D6 to see a healthy M, and I have no doubt I could have one with someone else...I just don't want it to be at the expense of the things I just listed...and that is why I'm still here a year into this.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
hate to be cynical here...but your w has a roof over her head and food on the table and her tuition paid for, ALL b/c of you..
and a babysitter for the kids....so she "doesn't know what SHE wants"....but MAYBE she'll want to go to law school....
I think there's a strategic reason for her staying. I forgot how long you have been married, but at some point the military will award her part of your pension...
Sorry Navy, but I don't believe she's "working on the m" at this point. She's biding her time.
But for the life of me, her inability to change HERSELF or the dynamic is very hard to witness or understand.
She's unhappy and YOU CANNOT change that.
Hmmm. I agree about the not "working on the M" thing. Are you saying I should confront her about biding her time?
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Couple things. You mention you are walking on egg shells. That's not a good thing. You also seem to be indicating that you are not happy about the current sitch, also not a good thing.
I understand if you can't think of any reasons. Perhaps your W is simply so negative about things possibly getting better, she is constantly on the watch for you to screw up so she can once again remind herself that it's not going to work. In turn, that's creating a sense of nervousness in you, which she is picking up on and misinterpreting as you not being authentic (ie. living a lie).
As hard as it is while we are IN the sitch, what would life look like if everything (within your control) was "perfect". Perhaps it's time for at least YOU to live that life and live it as YOU would live it.
Your last post to 25 speaks to this.
Should you confront her about her not doing the work? I don't know if that's how I would do it. I'd be more passive, but that's not to say in your sitch that would be the "right" thing.
But any thing you do right now, is going to change the dynamic. Either confront, or stop walking on egg shells, or live the dream. Any one of these is going to make a difference and you can adjust accordingly. Like in the beginning, it is likely that no one things is going to be a deal breaker, atm.
Your goal is to generate cognitive dissonance. A situation where both of you end up stepping out of your comfort zone and able to see the sitch for what it is and what it's not. And with that vantage point, re-adjusting course to steer in a new, more positive direction.
I'm torn. I want to stay DBing but am not sure what the approach is. What you are doing isn't "really" working now. It has been a YEAR....that's long enough to look for some movement.
But once I asked you to make a choice. I think I said you have 3 options.
1) You stay and DB your butt off so the m improves...and if not, you go find some dang bliss.
2) You stay and be the best dad you can be, and accept a "Cold War" between you and your w, in perpetuity....
3) You stay and confront, in some form of DBing, and ask her what "progress" she's referring to and get an idea of what she thinks SHE is doing to help things....
is merely being there, her "work"? If so, ask for more. IF she says "no"...
Then go back to your first two options and choose...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Navy I know I don't comment often on your stuff, but the walking on eggshells comment spoke out to me.
From personal experience the more you walk on eggshells the more sbe'll expect you to. Which in turn makes you more nervous, and more likely to break them.
I used to live in fear I'd do or say the wrong thing.
Next time she threatens divorce over a trivial thing, just tell her that you love her and want to stay with her, but if what you did is so important that she would threaten divorce then maybe you should.
Be prepared because she most likely will throw a huge fit.
I know I've said this before, but your w probably has it figured out that you'll do and put up with almost anything to keep the marriage. So she knows she can get away with treating you the way she is.
I think you need to take a stand and demonstrate to her you won't tolerate her behavior. Chances are she's bluffing.
If she's not think about it this way, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who threatens divorce at the slightest provocation?
