My W and I are back from our ten days in Puerto Rico. My w is saying that this was our best trip together. What was different this time was my willingness to extend our trip to ten days instead of one week, her willingness to get up in the morning so we could start our day, and my willingness to try new things and listen to what she wanted to do. In the process, we discovered an island off the mainland that I think will be our home base on our next trip there.
It wasn't perfect. There were three different scenes where things didn't go well--going to a baseball game with my W who was drinking too much, my reading on the ferry before it left, and my wanting to be quiet on the ferry ride back. The evenings ended rough in those cases, but I made the decision the next day to get back on-track, and we did.
I'm off today before I return to work. I'll discuss the trip with my W, and see what further things she has to say.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W was more involved than usual with my family this holiday. My siblings, parents, neices and nephews convened in my city this year. My W in the past has spent as little time as possible with my family--a brief dinner appearance. She stayed for dinner for three hours and the next day joined us for a walking tour of our city, including drinks afterwards at my brothers ( a total of three plus ten hours). I saw my mother bristle at some of her comments, but behaved herself. My W can be unintentionally provocative with her comments. My W behaved herself quite well, and enjoyed being with us.
My W teased me in front of the group about my casual landscaping standards. This went on for about ten minutes, with a recommendation that I look into the show Desperate Landscaping. I decided to let it roll, because she's probably right. It didn't seem mean-spirited. That was probably the most trying part of the day.
My W looked into the show's admission criteria. The houses are neglected beyond landscaping, which is not my case. We had a handyman do some work this fall.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W continues to sing my praises about progress made in the dancing arena. I did seven years ago tag along with her to Salsa venues and lessons so that we could have a shared hobby. She then used it as as escape and it created distance in the M. I moved into ballroom dancing on my own and it served as a GAL activity in 2009. She joined me when I found a new studio in 2009 and our dance R has evolved into a strong partnership. She tells me that a life dream of hers is to have a dance partner. I do it for me and she benefits. It is mine and our hobby.
She was so grateful last night that she let me pick a TV show, and she went outside to smoke. She always smokes in front of her computer. She hasn't smoked outside the home since the early days of our M.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W reluctantly agreed in mid-December to perform as part a formation group at a ballroom competition next week. We had performed with the group in October and didn't feel it was our best performance. As of this week there still had been no practice sessions scheduled, with ten days to go till the competition. My W asked if we could skip this one, making the point that not disappointing the group should not be our prime reason for doing this.
I listened to her and agreed. I also agreed to call the instructor and tell him we were pulling out. I thought I was respectful and articulate when I spoke to him. He didn't argue. I told my W that if I thought we were prepared, and she was being a scaredy-cat, I would push her to do it, but I knew she was right. We both had been conflicted about doing it, but would have performed if there had been adequate practice. The group will go forward without us on this one.
Some people are happy to perform, view it as recreation, and don't care if it's polished or not. My W and I only want to perform if it's a routine we can be proud of. We don't expect perfection from others, but we expect excellence from ourselves.
I want our performance experiences to be positive together. This was the right call. I'm glad my W spoke-up.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W bought me a generous dinner at a local fine dining establishment, for my birthday. I tried to give her another option, but she took it as that I didn't want to spend my birthday with her so I went.
She's enjoying herself more at our weekly dance venue, and has been more successful in connecting with men to dance.
She's been watching food and cooking channels and has been hinting about taking cooking classes. We visited an international market in town. She had a great time exploring all the different ethnic foods. I'll keep an eye out for inexpensive cooking classes to get us going.
The latest conflict has to do with the pets (2 cats and dog). My W sometimes has a low tolerance for the dog (barking, jumping on the bed when she's trying to sleep, barking outside when he wants us to play with him or to come inside). We keep his bed in the bedroom. He chews his bone on the bed, and leaves bone fragments on the bed which infuriates her. I'll plan on washing the sheets weekly, vacuuming the bed regularly, and keeping the pets out of the bedroom in the morning and keeping the door locked so she can have some peace.
I've resumed church attendance again at a local church five minutes from our home. We never seem to make it to Sunday yoga class, so I've decided to go to church. I haven't gone in over a year. I'm looking for an hour of contemplation and spiritual sustenance.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
We had some turbulence last night. My W woke me up at 3:30AM complaining about there not being enough food in the house, being stressed about money, not liking the house we live in, not feeling prepared for retirement, feeling envious of others who appear to have more money than us, not having children, and my lack of making an adequate income for the household. She started on the theme of how men should be able to support their wives. She is envious of a woman in her dance studio whose husband is a doctor. I let her vent, and tried to listen to what she was trying to say. It was more emotional than logical. I slept in the guest room that night.
She called me this afternoon and wants a debit card to the joint account (I think she already has one), so she can buy food as-needed. I don't have a problem with this, as long as we coordinate, so checks don't go into overdraft. I support her desire and intention to cook more often. We'll see if providing her with food to cook will move things forward for her and us.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I don't know your whole situation CL, so bear with me as I give some thoughts to things others have said and you've said.
You do sound really sensitive. The ribbing about the landscaping, since it was not mean spirited, sounds like you had to make an effort not to be mad or hurt. You have to go with the flow more. YOU will be happier...things will be easier. She should not have to fear telling you something or teasing you
and you should not walk on egg shells either. Her "letting" you watch your tv show sounds weird to me. My h and I have some tastes in common but we work it out. We also tape shows...so one of us can watch "our own" show later.
No biggie...
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
We had some turbulence last night. My W woke me up at 3:30AM complaining about there not being enough food in the house, being stressed about money, not liking the house we live in, not feeling prepared for retirement, feeling envious of others who appear to have more money than us, not having children, and my lack of making an adequate income for the household. She started on the theme of how men should be able to support their wives.
I think of myself as a feminist. But I am like most women, who want our men to be able to provide for us, even if we have our own incomes. It makes us feel safer. One study found that-
Men say they want peace in the home (no nagging), and attraction to their wives.
Women say they want fidelity and security. "Security" includes financial security...as well as feeling that if there was a noise at night, the h would defend his w...but also that if they had children, the child and she would be safe...from foreclosure, from starvation, etc..
I don't know how many of her fears are rational. Nor do I know if you want children but you two are in piecing...and that's a lot to add to the mix right now...
which of her complaints, if any, had validity in YOUR opinion?
She is envious of a woman in her dance studio whose husband is a doctor. I let her vent, and tried to listen to what she was trying to say. It was more emotional than logical. I slept in the guest room that night.
why? And does she work outside the home?
She called me this afternoon and wants a debit card to the joint account (I think she already has one), so she can buy food as-needed. I don't have a problem with this, as long as we coordinate, so checks don't go into overdraft. I support her desire and intention to cook more often. We'll see if providing her with food to cook will move things forward for her and us.
CL
uh, maybe you don't know this, but "allowing" her to have food as needed is a frickin BASIC....
Loosen those purse strings buddy....or I'm missing huge here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I read your thread....you say a lot about her flaws...I mean, A LOT....
what are you working on in YOURSELF? B/C frankly, her flaws don't sound so wacky to me, though I'm not a smoker and 2nd hand smoke is a problem so I'd expect them to do it outside so I wouldn't have to experience it.
You sound uber repressed and judgemental. And not all that fun. Like you said, the friends at the pub like HER...you make light of your flaws as if they are merely traits, whereas her traits are "flaws" in your eyes.
Are you saying you won't have sex with her until she's more "perfect"? You are so obtuse and vague I cannot get at the real problem you have sexually.
You dont' find her attractive or what? Do you have performance issues that can benefit from medication? Sorry to be so blunt, but what exactly are you dancing around?
You've been married for 18 years....have sex, or decide not to..but it's a choice that has to be made by both.
Or the marriage itself has a major flaw.
Here's a tip. YOU will be happier when you accept others as they are. It really is a perception problem b/c ALL of us are flawed, even you...here's a post from the past that MIGHT help you
since you are now going to church... Seeing our spouse through HIS eyes...
There comes a time in every marriage when each spouse sees the other in stark reality. No cover up, or make up. Just clarity, without the passion of the "new", and each sees the other totally naked, with all their flaws, weaknesses, qualities, mistakes, strengths, quirks, warts and all. And in that moment they make a choice.
They may reject their spouse as simply too flawed. No faults of weight or significance are allowed, maybe a few minor ones. Those spouses leave the m.
Others choose to stay, BUT only to make the other one cave in to their will, they nag, cajole, undermine, criticize, to "be proven RIGHT," vindicated…which actually never happens so they are never content, until one of them finally dies...
Some spouses choose to stay BUT they sigh or snicker for their whole lives, rolling their eyes in the long suffering manner of the martyrs they see themselves as. And then, there are others.
There are those who see the realities of their spouse, along with their own many faults in stark light too. Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to stay and to love.
They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and strongly favor it.
As for the bad, and the not so good, they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, or work around....they try hard reach their goal; i.e., to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes...
No, I don't think this means we accept what is truly UNacceptable. God did not put us here to make us miserable. We are not here to be doormats. But still, we have a goal and I think that the goal of marital love is to learn to see someone for all of who they really are, including their histories and pain, through His eyes.
That does not always mean one stays married to a spouse. But it sure helps. And I certainly don't think we'll be able to do this 24/7. Not by a long shot.
And while it may lead to fully bonding, heart mind body and soul, there will always be a separateness - for we are two individuals. We are not physically bonded like Siamese twins.
We're different. And that's okay.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25MLC, I'm working on every imperfection you've identified except the sexual one. I lack courage and faith with that one. I've made progress with every imperfection you've identified over the years, so I think your impression of me is appoximate but not complete.
I am working on the ideal of unconditional love, but obviously fail daily. I'm hoping going to church will help me with this. I think I used to be the other spouses you described, which contributed to my marital problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
