I don't think couples therapy is the route to go. We've tried that route at least twice, and it didn't resolve the issue. The focus was put on me. It made my W feel even more rejected. We weren't able to work as partners towards solving the problem. I think the sex therapist had the right idea. Begin with nonsexual touching to desensitize and move toward sexual intimacy. I had a hard time relaxing, and my W was insulted that we even had to go to a sex therapist. This was prior to the separation.
The difference now is that the friendship is stronger and there is more time spent together socially and recreationally and in ways that reflects her needs. I'm more flexible and emotionally mature, and less inhibited. The potential for a sexual/physical relationship is greater.
I don't think bringing in a professional is the way to start. I think I'm going to have to be the catalyst. I think I'm looking for some sort of sign on her part to move forward.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Something which has occurred to me and I don’t recall this question being asked of you, but do you have strong carnal desires towards your W, I mean do you ever think “Tonight she’s looking hot and I wouldn’t mind........” (sorry I could think of another way of asking the question).
It seems the potential is there for physical intimacy, but all the potential will amount to nothing if don’t have the burning desire, or drive to do anything about it.
I was prompted into that question as you said you were waiting for a sign from your wife, would like to expand a little more on what sort of sign you are looking for ?
I think part of the problem is I'm too much of a perfectionist (in some ways). In M, we get to see a person's imperfections. My attitude towards my W has been a problem in the past. I need to open up and become a more compassionate person. I need to allow myself to be intimate with imperfection (my interpretation of it).
I'm not sure I agree with your drive hypothesis. She usually has to prod me to go out dancing. Once I'm there, the music and the sights and sounds of the dance venue get me stimulated. I usually want to stay longer than my W. I seem to have the same style sexually. I have the same style with vacations. I have to be prodded to go, but am glad once I'm there.
The sign I'm looking for is that my W would be willing to work thru these issues together, and not take it personally if we don't hit the ground running.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The sign I'm looking for is that my W would be willing to work thru these issues together, and not take it personally if we don't hit the ground running.
I am no genius but I'm thinkin' if you just told her this, it may go a long way toward solving your problem(s). Seriously
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I agree. Cuddling is action. My ex told me that part of our "problem" was the lack of cuddling. Cuddling can be done in other places than bed. Like on the couch while watching TV. Or at the movies. Possibly in a poorly lit restaurant. Mix it up, then maybe this intimacy will lead to more confidence to initiate ML.
Give affection and you'll get it back.
I haven't read much of your posts, just this thread, but hope I helped.
TD
TwinDragon Thread #11-Dragon, flying - evaluating his world.
Hi Concerned, how are you doing? been awhile since you posted. I still read the board from time to time and notice you haven't been around for a while. I hope all is welll. naej
DNO, I don't see how we can move forward with sexual intimacy without talking first. Physical intimacy can move forward with nonsexual touching on my end.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Anyway CL therein lies your challenge, can you possibly talk to W and discuss how you can both work through these issues.
Lanzo
I don't know. I would have to be willing to tolerate doubt and intense emotion on her end. It would be a charged discussion. I'm not sure how constructive it would be.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Cuddling is action. Possibly in a poorly lit restaurant. Mix it up, then maybe this intimacy will lead to more confidence to initiate ML.
Give affection and you'll get it back.
TD
Thanks. I've been procrastinating on addressing physical intimacy with my W. Maybe I can start thinking about moving forward again. I was feeling so much pressure to address this issue, that I stopped posting for two months.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
