....it hides the tears, it's absolutely marvelous. I work the farm in the rain, then the children won't ask why I'm crying.
I'm new here but have been around awhile lurking, crying and praying for those of you in pain. I'm in pain, too. Married for 15 years, together for 22. I have 4 wonderful children (ages 11, 9, 7, and 4). I'm a shepherd who loves her work.
I lost my husband 6 months ago.... he's still here physically, but not the same man. He says it's all my fault, I know it's not... but I know I haven't helped matters, I've been a hindrance I'm sure. My husband was a good man, loving, caring, kind, hard working, good father, good provider---most women would kill for what I had. Most of the previous is now gone, or almost gone. He's lost in there, maybey for good. Yes, he's depressed, but will never admit it. We're seeing a priest/counselor, but I don't think it's going to help. We've had an EXTREMELY difficult 2 years (my mom is dying of cancer, death of his father, his mother is ailing, his job loss--he has one now but it's very stressful, etc.)
No sex. He's told me I'm sexually unattractive to him. Told me I disgust him. I've never heard such vile things come out of his mouth. I'm attractive to other men.... just not my husband, so I use that for consolation. I'll not approach him sexually b/c of these statements. I've said HORRIBLE things to him. I'm not going to make a bunch of excuses for my words. Apology not accepted... he's merciless, now. He's put up with alot from me, and I've done the same for him---he's passive/aggressive, I'm Italian - you do the math. He walls himself away from life when the pressure is too much (I've kept a 25 year journal and have found this to be a trend). I've asked him to plug into the kids again, and he has.... just not for me.
He went to an attorney about 2 months ago. I found out by accident. I began having panic attacks. To protect my family, I went to an attorney. We'll be JUST fine.... status quo if the poop hits the fan. I felt very cold toward him subsequent to that meeting. I won't go back until I have to----it's counterproductive, I want my husband back. At least the anxiety concerning 'what if' is gone.
Last night I woke up (I don't sleep now) and my movement roused him. He reached out for me and began squeezing my shoulder. I instantly grabbed his hand tightly and pulled it toward me. I dared not move... I thought it was a dream. After what seemed like hours, I moved again. He pulled me into him and I laid on his arm... tears streaming down my face while he slept. I got up about an hour later. Before he left for his trip, I asked him why he touched me. His response, "huh? What did you say?" with a 'deer in the headlight look'. I repeated my question. He said, "I didn't realize I did that". I told him, "that's what I thought". And he left. My heart is torn into shreds now. What does all of that mean? I can't stop crying today, and I'm NOT a cryer.
Sad Girl, your story is mine exactly, but now my beloved is gone physically from our home. Though really, he left me years ago - I just didn't realize it.
There was one night, after he'd already ended our relationship but was still sleeping our bed (and had taken up with OW, but I did not yet know about her), that my Ex-P hugged me and hugged me in his sleep. I didn't move, I didn't breath, for hours. I knew it would be the last time, though I prayed it wouldn't.
In the morning, he remembered and apologized. He claimed he must have been 'cold'. A few days later he told me about the OW. I asked if he was thinking of her that night when he had been affectionate and he said "No, I swear on my life."
I'll never know.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
How does this even happen? I'll never know either. Very few of us ever will.
SadSad, Alone... same here, except I was the provider; now she has left because she couldn't stand "living in my shadow", and I miss her so very much and just don't understand.
It's okay to not understand. Own what you can own, and be the best you that you can be, but know that so very much of this is not really your fault at all.
SSG, I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but you've come to a good place for support. Your story is very familar. It is much like mine. My H left emotionally first and then physically.
Can you provide us with a little more of your back story? How old are you and your H?
Please try not to take what your H has said to you personally. I know that it's very hard to do. You didn't break your H and you can not fix him. You can only control you. If there are things in what your H has said to you that sting. Look at those things and change those things about yourself that you don't like. Change for yourself, not your H.
Have you had a chance to read 'Divorce Remedy', yet? It's a very helpful tool in trying to understand how to get through this very painful time in your life.
Hang in there and keep posting. I promise that it does get better.
