You seem to think that her parents are taking her back as 'child' free of responsibility and are going to coddle her with milk and cookies.
Maybe they will, maybe they are enablers. Even if they are... They are going to have expectations about her, and what she should be doing, it is not the bed of roses you think it will be.
I'll bet cashy money they are going to see a side of her that begins to make them feel more for you.
As for the options?
Being away from the constant drama allows you to focus on you and your growth.
"But how does that save my marriage?"
Save yourself first. GAL, 180's, dettachment. Grow strong, like the guy you are, become the guy able to stand on his own, who wants someone next to him, but doesn't NEED someone next to him.
You save yourself? You got the best tools to save your marriage...if you choose to.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You seem to think that her parents are taking her back as 'child' free of responsibility and are going to coddle her with milk and cookies.
Maybe they will, maybe they are enablers.
Oh, they're enablers for sure... but I get your point. That shouldn't be one of my concerns right now.
Oddly enough, as she was getting ready for work today we were talking about her potentially having a new work schedule. And while I'm making myself as amenable to it as possible without bending over backward to make it happen, I noted that a lot of it was going to depend on where I'll be living, because accommodating our schedules and covering child care when we're living together in the same house is much different than trying to do it in two separate households...particularly if I end up having to live somewhere that isn't exactly right down the road. At any rate, her response was to suggest that maybe "we'll find a way to keep living together...at least until the end of the year." I'm not going to read anything into it, because it's certainly open to multiple interpretations, but I find it interesting that in less than 24 hours she went from "I want to be out within a month" to that.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
It seems like over the last couple of days my wife has been pulling away some... less physical contact when we're hanging out on the couch together and when we're going to bed/falling asleep. I'm not mentioning it to her of course, just observing it. Just staying upbeat, agreeable, keeping up the 180's, and giving her her space.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
So it seems like the distancing on her part is continuing. We still get along well enough, it just seems like there's a conscious effort on her part to reduce what physical contact/affection we had left. I'm noting it mentally, but of course not saying anything.
I'm starting to wonder about my tact though. Is there a particular way to deal with a WAW that has stated she wants to remain friendly? I'm keeping up the 180's and GAL, and sort of going about my life with a "whatever happens I'll be ok" attitude, but as of yet it doesn't seem to have brought any changes in my wife's desire to split (we seldom talk about it though, so I never really know what she's thinking at any given time). The last time it was discussed she said she refuses to open her heart up again to the risk of being hurt (essentially doesn't believe that any positive changes won't be permanent and isn't willing to risk it to find out).
I'm also starting to wonder about her having an "anytime midlife crises". I think that might be an issue here for her.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
As far as the anytime MLC, she's been mentioning stuff about feeling like she lost herself in our marriage...lost her identity and is in the process of reclaiming it.
Something I've been thinking about a lot...I think I've asked this, but not sure if I've gotten a concrete answer... what do you do if some of your 180's are pursuit behaviors? For example, some of my wife's main sources of unhappiness are that I never scheduled dates, never planned a vacation, and in fact never made plans in general...I always tend to do things on the spur of the moment. I'm more than ready to change that; I would love to schedule a date night and plan a vacation, but doing so would make it appear that I was pursuing her, and that doesn't seem to be the right course of action since she still seems firm on her decision to divorce. She's still more than willing to do stuff with me and the kids (taking them to the beach for the day on Sunday as a matter of fact), but balks at anything that's just me and her. As a matter of fact, we have dinner reservations for tomorrow, that I had made back when the bomb first dropped in an ill-advised attempt to show that I was capable and willing to make the changes she needed to see, and over the last couple of days she's been displaying some ambivalence about going. Not sure how to handle that...just go ahead and go, or cancel them... maybe suggest I go with someone else? It seems like maybe I should shelve the 180's that have to do with her, at least for now, and just focus on the ones that have to do with me (mainly, pursuing my own interests again; reconnecting with friends; becoming more generous, patient, and tolerant; not worrying about/asking too much about what she does).
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
I almost thought you were my H for a bit! I'm a former LBS who has now become a WAW. My H and I are having and in-house separation right now, where he is in the spare room. It relieves some of the pressure from me.
My H would never make arrangements for our social life. I ended up being the cook, accountant, social organiser, cleaner, PA .. you name it ... all while he sat about not really planning anything at all. I've made the arrangemnts for ALL our wedding anniversaries, while he contributed a v little.
I can't say what's going on in your W's mind, but my mind is FULL of resentment. I really wanted him to step up and be a man, to take more control, I begged for it for about 3 years, but nothing worked. I would still love him to do so, but right now each time I look at him i want to kill him (which ain't good). I just need a bit of space to calm down, then i want to see him making small, regular and consistent changes. I don't want to see him giveup at the first hurdle. My biggest fear is that I take him back, he lets out a big sigh of relief, stops trying to change and reverts back to lettimg me do everything again.
Am I testing him? In a way, but I'm SO sick of asking him to change, then him paying a bit of lip service to it for a week or two then me having to ask again. I'm not his mother. I don't have kids and never wanted them. I feel like I'm married to one though and it breaks my heart. I want to be looked after sometimes too. I'm not superwoman
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Hey Jen_Jam, I really appreciate that bit of insight. What an interesting perspective you must have, having been both LBS and WAW. I wonder about the in-house separation. Oddly, given her stated feelings, my wife and I are still in the same bed (she said she prefers it, and I know I sure as heck do too), and for the most part get along like a happily married couple...minus the sex and declarations of love. I find it odd; my wife attributes it to the fact that "even though she's not in love with me any more, I'm still her best friend."
In acknowledging that my wife may truly just be done and nothing is going to change her mind, she has said on more than once occasion that what brought her to her decision was essentially what you wrote: that I would pay lip-service to changing, and then within a couple of months (if not weeks) things would be back to the way they always were. As a result, she's just not willing to take that risk again. If only I had known then what I know now about DB'ing, backsliding, and keeping up the changes...and proper communication.
In my defense, I've always done my fair share of the cooking, cleaning, and child care...but when it came to where it really counted...my wife's "love language"...that's where I totally failed. What's even worse is that, at some point, I think I convinced myself that because I did contribute in so many other ways, it was ok if I wasn't measuring up when it came to my wife's need for me to take control of some of those social things and, most importantly, carving out quality time for just the two of us. Sadly, it took the "I'm done and I want a divorce" 2x4 to make me hear and understand just exactly what it was she was trying to tell me.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Excellent advice as always, J3B... to my credit, the invitation was extended much more along the lines of the latter scenario you posed than the former.
That she accepted at all is, I suppose, a good sign...one that I won't read too much into though. I know that remaining friends is important to her...and she also voiced her concern that she may be doing something wrong; that is, by going to dinner or by agreeing to any kind of "date"-type activity, she may be giving me the wrong impression that she's changed her mind, and that somewhere down the line when we're separated and/or divorced I'll argue that she gave me the wrong impression or tricked/confused me by doing these types of things with me.
The only thing I could think to tell her in response was that, through my own efforts and with the help of the counselor I've been seeing on my own, I'm beginning to lead my life the way I should have been all along...not so much for her (although I clearly would like her to be the beneficiary of it), but because regardless of what happens between us, I want to be the happiest, healthiest person I can be, and part of that process includes taking charge of MY social life.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Looking forward to dinner out tonight. Seems like my wife is too. I'm not going to read anything into it, since I'm just going with the "good/best friends" thing for now, but she remarked last night that we had a fun weekend planned (meaning dinner tonight and taking the kids to the beach tomorrow), and I agreed.
Unfortunately, I made the mistake of mentioning a few things regarding the divorce after she brought up her new work schedule again (I briefly mentioned how we might need to change our schedules again once we're not living together anymore, and noted a couple of other things I would need to get for her like car title/insurance info). I quickly realized my error and dropped it, then changed the subject, but it definitely put a damper on the rest of the evening. We both were pretty quiet and a bit in our own spaces after that (mentally, that is, as we went and watched a little tv on the couch together after that, and then went to bed).
Privately, I'm experiencing quite a bit of remorse...8 years...8 years married and this is the first time that I took the initiative and made reservations and set-up a babysitter so that my wife and I could go have dinner together. No wonder she feels like no matter what I do now, her pain and resentment won't subside...or that even if it does it doesn't matter because she's done with not getting what she wants (of course, I'm done with not giving her what she wants...but there's no convincing her of that, at least not with words. Potentially not even with actions). That, my friends, is why--in a nutshell--my wife wants a divorce; because we've been married for almost ten years and it took hearing that she wants a divorce to make me understand the little things she wants and needs in order to be happy.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
