Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

So, taking it one day at a time. Can't rush life ... have to savour the moments, even the negative ones.

My D18 and I are going to visit D31 in Germany at the end of the month. I am looking forward to it. My little grandson will have grown some, and I can't wait to cuddle him, and spoil him and his sisters. We'll be there for more than a month, so once again, will have little contact with H. I think he is happy being in his own bedroom, traveling to work during the week, having me here to cook and be a companion on the weekends (we go to breakfast sometimes, or a movie, or hang out with friends) ... nothing romantic, just like friends. I give him his space, and take mine when I want it. I am in the process of decorating my bedroom in my own taste. It was a conglomeration of his taste (mostly, because I always gave in to him, not wanting him to be unhappy in his room), and a little of mine. For instance, he doesn't like flowers on his bedding ... now, it is all flowers, in it's colourful glory. It makes me feel positive and hopeful in such a room. I have moved most of his stuff out ... just have to get his cd player into his room, and a few magazines/books in his side table, and his alarm clock.

Life goes on. Sometimes, I am happy despite the negatives, and sometimes I want to cry because of the sadness that is our M. But, I remain hopeful for my future, whatever may come.

Here is my previous thread. previous thread.

[BeingMe]

Why no more EDIT function????

[braveheart]

BeingMe, if you are happy and content with this type of life, don't change it. If you want more, then you will have to move forward with some things. It seems to me that you are happy with the status qoe, if you are, no problem, but understand things won't change.

[missmyfriend]

Why no more EDIT function????

I know! What's that about?

[BeingMe]

I know, Braveheart ... it's not that I'm not moving, but I am (as my subject says) moving forward slowly. I still want to finish my degree, and have 2 years to go. I have been taking that slowly too because of my past illness (gosh, I love saying "past" when referring to my illness). I take, on average, 2 to 3 courses per semester, but I am going to ramp it up in the spring. In the winter block, I am taking 3 courses, mostly because every other course I want to take has a waiting list of more than 14 people. This is the issue when attending a small university.

It's not that I'm happy with this status quo ... I'm not sure it is a status quo, per se. I am content to live this way, for now. I am still moving forward in my mind. I am still planning beyond the completion of my degree, and when my last child leaves home (which is imminent, like ... next year). I have an RRSP set up, and started a small savings account. The house needs lots of work before we can put it on the market, so renovations will be done over the next 2 years. I am preparing my mind for my H not being here. I am even changing the decor of our bedroom, to reflect that it's my bedroom now, rather than "ours". He sleeps in the spare room.

So, I am taking small steps.

I don't see H very often since he works mostly away from home. My D18 and I will be going on a holiday from July 26 to September 8. So, we will not see him all that time either. He does contact me daily, but it's just a short conversation ... "how are you?" ... "good" ... "you?" ... "tired and busy" ... "oh, sorry to hear that" ... "oh well, anyway, have to go to bed" ... "okay, goodnight then" ... "bye, g'night". If I need to discuss anything longer, I usually email him. Slowly, but surely, I am thinking in the singular. He barely crosses my mind during the week, until I have to pick him up from the airport, or I need to write to him, or someone asks about him.

I still believe there is OW, whether it is serious or not, I don't know. But, the fact that he hasn't worked on our M since we moved here, and made all those promises, tells me that there has to be someone else. Plus, we ML maybe twice a year ... whatever ... I'm not going to snoop, but I do suspect. His disconnectedness from us, has made it easy for me to do the same over time. I usually brought it up every six months or so, but he viewed it as a confrontation. I tried various methods, different levels, but it didn't change. I don't know what to do now. I've run out of options, and what can you say when your H tells you (again) that he doesn't love you? He's a fool, but there's no arguing with such a person. And, I don't want to argue. He must live his life as he wants. I will live mine the way I want. I will be quiet as long as he supports me financially in a gracious and generous way (as he said he would, but I don't believe much of what he says, so I am prepared to fight, if I have to). He had the career while I was the mostly SAHM, working occasionally when money was tight. Now, when he is earning so much more, I expect to get the benefit of those 25 lean years. I would prefer for us to grow old together, visiting our grandchildren, travelling, etc., but we don't always get what we want.

I live in the now. It is all I have. I have hope for the future, and gain strength from positive things, such as the scriptures. And, I try to forget the negatives of the past. Nothing I can do about them, except learn the lesson and move on.

Isaiah 40
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

[WCW]

IMO you're on the right path. Reap whatever benefit is left to staying M while you work on what you need for YOUR life. I love that you're redoing the bedroom how YOU want it.

Are you meeting any old friends while on holiday in Germany?

[BeingMe]

No, I have not told anyone except my D31. I think old friends should be held at arms length, if not further away. I sure don't need any emotional complications now.

[BeingMe]

I love poetry, and in fact, am studying Creative Writing, and one of the components of that degree is writing poetry. Robert Frost wrote that famous poem, The Road Not Taken, and it makes me think of we who are on this message board. We are travelers in life, who have potentially lost our companions. And, in that loss, we see divergent paths that we must take. I hope we all choose the right path, the one less traveled, the one that takes courage. And, I do hope it "makes all the difference".

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

[BeingMe]

H's birthday tomorrow ... I bought him a beer making kit. It's what he wanted. I've invited a couple of friends for a BBQ, so it should be fun.

[BeingMe]

I've had the most awful dreams about H in the last few days. Last night, the dream culminated in him shouting "I am so sick of you!" I am still quietly crying. Oh well! He'll be rid of me for the next month since I am going to visit my D31. I know it was just a dream, but the feeling behind it felt so real.