Now I'm not sure...

[canadianMrs.]

After months of DBing and a rollercoaster ride, H for the last 6 weeks has (for the most part) being trying to work on being a better person, father and even better to me. He would like to try again, but knows he has to work on himself. He is in IC. For awhile I was thrilled at the progress but the last couple of weeks I've ben really down. I'm actually on meds now. I'm so conflicted. As much as I want my marriage, I'm really not sure how to get over the A/OW. I still keep wondering how he could hurt the kids/I so much. I've seen the OW and she really isn't anything special, but now I find myself comparing her to me. My 2 biggest problems is I keep picturing the two of them together and as much as I like the man that H is being right now, I'm not sure I could ever let him touch me again. I know a lot of these thoughts have been explained because of how they are in MLC, but I'm just in such a dark place right now. Any words of wisdom would be great.

[25yearsmlc]

Canada
(sorry for all the bold, my computer is weird)

Read "After the Affair" and the relevant chapters in Div Remedy so you can get help getting past the affair.

Many couples have had this issue in their m and NOT all end up miserable or divorced...recovery is possible.

But here's the deal. If you are to reconcile AND have a healthy m,

you can't throw it in his face every time you fight, and or feel insecure, and

you can't hold it over his head the rest of his life like the sword of Damacles.

AND just as important, HE will have to believe you won't do those things.

I grew up with an older couple nearby. They were very social, w/5 kids. The h had an A many years earlier..Oh, how do I know? THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD KNEW...

b/c somehow the w let all of us know. She'd needle her h in conversations and undermine him. He was a POW for 7 years and when we would ask him about it, she'd change the topic.

She created a weird tension at all the holiday functions and frankly, we hated HER, (NOT her h)...

She became a bitter wife who passed that crap on to her children...

Some legacy. I guess I should be grateful I recall her behavior b/c she showed me what Holding onto your pain looks like and it's not a pretty site.
Instead she could have taught her children that you can get past a setback. That heartbreak is not eternal or fatal.

You guys need a glimpse of what real forgiveness looks like, to see if you want to do the work. Here's what mine was...

H had a 4 day conference in Palm Springs about 2 months before h was leaving us for the tundra (to me, leaving for the tundra meant divorce & he knew this)
H wanted me and d16/d9 to join him. I balked at first b/c it seemed weird, awkward and maybe like a reward for him leaving. Why should we act as if all was well if he was going to leave us 7 weeks later?

But then I realized that it was the last vacation we'd all have, (son was at college) and that I should make every effort to have some good memories together. For the kids. But how?

How not to lose my temper? How could I pretend all was well when I was so hurt? How could we have a peaceful trip? How could we create happy times?

Finally I just CHOSE to stop ALL negative images/ thoughts FOR THOSE 4 DAYS
and I told myself that I could always be angry later & complain again later

(sad to admit that the thought "I can always be angry again LATER" soothed me...if I had to do it "Forever" all at once, I could not have done it at all...).

So for those 4 days, I chose to see h more positively or at worst, neutrally.

I shelved my anger/pain for those four days. I felt I could do it for that amount of time. So

When h began talking about arcane topics, I stopped myself from thinking "H is nerding out/lecturing" Instead I told myself "h is smart and teaching d's" and managed to feel grateful.

To my surprise the 4 days got easier, not harder. I began to recall why I fell in love with h all those years ago. When a negative popped up, I shelved it. I'd go back to the positives or neutralized the negatives.

H responded well too. He got nicer and funnier, and we had a lovely four day trip. I still like Palm Springs mostly b/c of that trip.

Now I realize that what the trip really was, was a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like... Once I had a glimpse of it, I began to create more of them. Short bursts of time in which I would NOT be negative or whiny or indulge my pain or victimhood. Also NO temper...(Just call me Mother Teresa).

Forgiveness means letting go of those images of the 2 of them "all happy", so One way to do this is

to Start with the classic STOP SIGN when those thoughts enter...just STOP it and deflect to another topic.

Occupy your mind elsewhere and if need be, say a prayer each time that crap enters...Say to yourself, (well, say it to God actually)

"God, please take this pain from me. I turn it over to YOU" and then steer your mind elsewhere...otherwise it'll consume you long after it means anything to your h. Don't give it all that power. It's compounding the wrong but it's YOU doing it...

OR another "tool" is to go ahead and really envision them having LOUSY Sex, and him feeling disgusted or turned off or missing YOU more afterwards....
and Not going there anymore.
Frankly, if she's no Angelina Jolie and isn't wealthy or super funny or super kind and loving....

then in the comparisons, YOU WIN...so this is not about you.

It's about your H and his need to feel something you can meet the need for. But understand that some of this is simply YOUR work to do.

I think forgiveness is a lot harder than people realize if they never saw it growing up, and I didn't.

Decide what you want to do, then learn how to do it.

I know it's not easy but it IS something couples have done before, successfully. You could be one of them.

But for now, are you even sure he wants this?

Maybe what he needs to know is that YOU COULD FORGIVE...not that you will, but that it is achievable.

And in time, who knows?

Good luck!

[25yearsmlc]

ps 2 quickies...

1) til if and when he SAYS he wants back in, why change anything you are doing?

2) it's natural and very common for the LBSer to sort of become the MLCer when the WAS wants back in. We've been through so much, WE have changed.

Been there, done that. I had to really assess things when h wanted back in. I had come to see that life without h was not so bad. In fact I GAL pretty well.

I was happy and knew I would be, with or without h. [b] That knowledge was freeing and empowering.[/b]