Im new to this so bear with me. Ive been through alot in the last 7 months and I am just getting a grasp on what I should do to save my marriage. A little background: Im 42 she is 41, I have,"had", a quick temper, but never violent. Yelling out of frustration at material things or my son but strangely enough usually not my wife, although when I yelled at my 12 yr old son or anything else she would take it personnally against her. Along with this type of issue I also have had trouble staying at a job, and she has never changed jobs. Ive been working on myself since March through counseling and God and ive never been more confident about controlling my emotions. In Jan she told me she was unhappy and didnt know if she wanted to be married anymore. To add to this I had just gone cold turkey off of lexapro, so I spent the next 3 months doing everything wrong I could. Crying 3 and 4 times a day, begging and pleading, reasoning in every way possible, and in the mean time in the state of mind I was in, I stupidly quit my job after my supervisor pushed my buttons, and of course all this just pushed her further away (imagine that) until the end of March she wanted a divorce. In March I started pulling myself together and working at home in my shop to make money, and we just argued alot. In May I caught her in an EA with a coworker through messages accidentally seen on her phone, which she says she promptly put a stop to the next day. But still my anger flared a couple of times over the next couple of weeks, which I promply regained control of. Yes, there is some verbal abuse, although not severe as some, but damaging enough to this wonderful woman. I tried a couple of other programs that didnt really fit, and then 2 wks ago I found Michele. I ordered DR and called and talked to Chuck. What I needed to do finally clicked. I totally quit telling her ILY. No more hugs. Im still in the house and we are still functioning as a family, so after about 3 days the talking got easier and the expressions on her face were much more relaxed. No affection or hugs of course but day to day communications are much better. The first day I did get a voluntary hug and she looked very confused when I didnt chase her down for one, although I havent had one since. I havent talked about the R at all either, and have been very upbeat and happy. One more thing about myself, I know exactly how damaging I have been to her and I take full responsibility for it, and will never discount the seriousness of my actions to anyone. She is the most wonderful woman a man could ask for and will work on myself for the rest of my life with her or without her, I pray and hope with. Just wondering if there are any opinions about the reaction from her?? Looking for reassurance Im doing this right. Going on vacation next week with the rest of the family. Dont know if she is looking forward to it, but I see it as opprotunity for good quality time with her and my son. with these new habits Im using from DR I think we will have fun.
Well, your seeing some good signs, based upon what you are doing, or rather not doing. Does it seem to be working for you? That is really all that matters.
one thing:
Quote:
Yes, there is some verbal abuse, although not severe as some,
Don't hide behind 'some' or the degree of bad behaviour. Just correct it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
If you were the perfect version of you, what would you be doing right now that you are not doing right now?
I've often thought this site needed a subtitle, because it's about WAY much more than busting divorces.
Everyone sees the title and comes running (I suppose that's what marketing is all about). Then you read the books. Then read them again. Then start REALLY thinking about them and digesting what they have to say...
...and you realize how much work there is in front of you
...and how little of it has to do with your wife
...or your marriage
Bad patterns of behavior can be let go for years and years, making us think that who we've become must not be all that bad.
Meanwhile our spouse is dying the death of a thousand small cuts that having them bleeding out what love they once had for us.
I don't know you. Don't know how much of your tale is understated or overblown, whether you've told the whole truth or just enough to get the message across.
I will tell you there is enough in your first post to make me think you probably have not been the greatest guy to live with over the years.
DB'ing has a goal of saving marriages.
But that work is done by YOU, first by saving yourself.
You can't change your wife's mind with words or actions that are done for show. She's not stupid. She fully expects that you're going to pull out all the stops to try and win her back. She's PREPARED for your newly found good deeds.
So you say "Then what am I supposed to do?!"
Become a better man. Become the perfect version of yourself. And do it because you can't stand living as the current version of yourself any longer if it means you have to lose those you love.
Then keep doing it. And doing it. And doing it.
Lay off of her and the decisions she's making. Stop condemning her with guilt trips and tears. STop trying to change her mind.
RESPECT her choices, knowing they've been made as a result of years, not hours or days.
Then keep doing the new man some more.
Reclaim yourself, make it real and genuine, and you might have a chance at some point to reclaim your marriage.
Blessing,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks for the advise and believe me I have not be easy to live with and I have taken full responsibility for it. I know what I had become and I hated it. I'm having avert hard time with the guilt of the damage that I have done to such a wonderful woman. I'm becoming the man I always wanted to be and I lv the way it feels I just hope I'm not to late. I know it's a lifelong commitment to keep it up and have fully accepted that. When she dropped the bomb on me it took me 3 months to start gathering myself up realise what I was. Thanks to the lv I feel for her it came to this and then i came to the realisation I have to do it for myself to win her back. I'm glad you view these events as positive and feel I'm doing things right. Thanks so much for ur input it means alot
