Oh and btw, Cadet, I asked my therapist about the emails and she said they are the final signs of the ow as a crutch. She said for now I should let it go since I have no control over that and I don't know how their R finished. She said that he is likely to drop that contact when he is more confident and secure in his R with me. Thought you might be interested in that perspective.
Dolphin - I am wondering about OP - in the literature about MLc it is very clearly stated that the OW goes at the end of Replay, and that they are out of the picture when reconection begins, and yet I see from you and many others that this is not the case. I am wondering if this guidance needs revisiting. I do know from personal experience and what others have posted that the MLCer will run back to the OP at the first sign of any difficulty in rebuilding a r with us . . .
I had simply assumed that the OW needed to be completely gone as they are a symptom of MLC replay. Now it appears that it is OK for them to be in the picture while our h's find their way back to us, and yet it runs counter to the received wisdom.
The OW doesn't necessarily disappear at the end of replay. In many instances, the OP is still hanging in the wings throughout most of the crisis. Unfortunately, some hang around until the person in crisis has taken the final step to return to the relationship with his/her spouse and will try everything in their power to get their partner back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have found your new thread and will follow along.
Very interesting posts from the wise ones who have been at this a long time....
Much of what has been said really resonates in my situation.
Take good care, Hugs
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Just wanted to chip in and send you my best wishes! Sounds like things are moving forward, however slowly! I know it must be terribly difficult trying to stay positive but on the other hand not let H take the piddle out of you!
Just make sure you put yourself first, yes it might make H falter a little and maybe back off but if he cant respect that he now has to join back into the life you already have, well its never gonna work anyway!
Will keep popping back in
Rabbit
xx
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us. You have come a VERY long way from last January. Do you remember where you were then? As Rabbit says, your H is a SLOW one but from out here it looks as though he has really made a lot of progress.
I agree with the others that you need to keep taking care of yourself first. H needs to make effort now. You can't do it all for him (and I know that you haven't been). He has made big steps toward reconnecting with your children, parents, and siblings.
Thanks for your posts. This is an interesting topic, Beatrice and Snodderly. 25 said, " I find most men (maybe women too, but I'm biased) are like swinging monkeys and cannot let go of one vine unless they have another one already in hand." I know I have read this before; men especially seem to be in another relationship or at least aware of the next relationship before they leave the first. This would seem to be the case in my situation. I haven't asked H if ow is still emailing but there is no evidenceI can see of her anywhere else. When we are together and H receives a text or call he now tells me who it is. I'm aware of course, that he could at anytime be making contact with ow and there is the whole transparency debate but one I've decided not to get involved in.
It's interesting that Rabbit and GAG are advising to put myself first and I must say I am feeling strong and in control. I think it is because I have the support of a good therapist and because I know that I am being consistent on my path. I am clearly stating my opinions and I can see H trying to make some changes although not as quickly as I would like!!! perhaps, too, H is keeping it at a slower pace as this is all he can manage. I know I can say goodbye at anytime and if H says goodbye then I'll be fine. I am making mistakes of course, but for the most part it's going along reasonably well.
At this stage we spend a lot of time having dinner at each other's homes. We haven't done too much out aside from an occasional dinner at a restaurant and a recent shopping trip. I seem to do the initiating although H does invite D and I for dinner at his house and his AoS are fairly consistent.
You sound good . . . regarding the swinging monkey idea - the thing I find difficult is that this is exactly what we are told we should not do - find another person to swing to, rather find the resources to be happy within ourselves.
And yet we may need accept the OW as a crutch on the way back to us . . . . I guess I don't want my xh in my life if he is still entangled with OW. My choice, and perhaps it says a lot about whether I really want to restore my marriage. not enough I guess is the answer. This is not any criticism of what others do, just a bit of self awareness.
Beatrice, I have done such a lot of cycling myself based on the very points you raise. For now I am ok today and that's all I can deal with. There are always issues in some form or another and I am on a steep learning curve. I have had to analyse my actions every day and try to consider the alternatives and to be aware and empathetic. Perhaps this is good for me in all my relationships; personally and professionally.
For today, my issue is to do with trust. How do you have trust when you have been betrayed? What do I need to give me security? What part does H have?
This trust question came because my H told me he was going to be at work for the morning but I observed his car was not in the parking lot when I drove by to meet a friend for coffee. I didn't go that way to deliberately check on him but I did look as I drove by (coffee shop nominated by friend is further along the road from where H works) and I did feel the lurch in my stomach.
When I pulled up at the coffee shop I saw his car at the Post Office where the company mail box is. I could handle that because he would be getting the mail but he usually does that on the way to work. My mind settled but I was wondering.....
When I saw him later I didn't mention anything about his car or him being/not being at work. Later in general convo we got talking about fitness and he said he was trying to get extra steps in his day and he mentioned some strategies he has been trying to incorporate such as parking his car at the post office and walking to work.
Hmm, that was a lesson for me. I have trust issues and I'm not surprised I do but I could have caused a huge and unnecessary problem if I had assumed he was not being truthful and wasn't at work.
So, a thought for today that I need to consider....
I do not think I will ever get close enough again to my xh for trust to become an issue. But in general I am less trusting and more cynical than I was, and perhaps that is something that I needed to learn. Is it a loss for me or a gain? Sad that I am no longer trusting, but perhaps more realistic.
Perhaps that is why I have avoided any further emotional entanglements - lack of trust ultimately. I have lost faith in my own judgement
