Preparing For Big D & STILL Here

[BeTheMan]

My old thread got locked prematurely again. I would link my most recent old ones, but still don't know how.

In response to comments regarding STBX paying child support made by Friday on my previous thread:

STBX seems to want me to keep the house and pay her out. I told her the only way I can do that is if she continues to pay me the $1000 a month she have been since she moved out in December of 2009. D19 is in university and S17 will hopefully be going to post secondary school next year, so support at their ages isn't unheard of. If support was based on her income, she said a few days ago that it would be just over $1000 per month. I believe she has 2 main concerns - not looking like the "bad guy" and making sure kids stay with me. I think she is concerned that at least one of them would want to live with her if I sold the house. That would really cramp her style and live with OM/Boss. She claims that the kids told her they won't stay with me if I sell the house. That might just be a threat, but even if it is, that is further indication of her fear of having them with her. I also believe she doesn't want them to have a lower lifestyle than she does - and hers is pretty awesome.

There are memories in this house, but it no longer feels like we live in a shrine to her. I don't even have trouble sleeping in "our" bed in "our" room anymore. I would actually prefer to stay here for at least a couple years. The house and neighborhood are awesome. Of course, I won't let STBX know that. I will make it look like I am just doing it for the kids and to make things easier on everyone else.

I'm not sure what to do about her birthday. It would be a real 180 for me to not buy a card etc. I will really have to think about it. Recognizing it won't mean a thing to her when she is dining out and then in bed with OM that night, so ignoring it may be the right choice. I'm sure she expects me to do something emotional and sappy.

I will take Friday's advice and not include any comments about my feelings regarding our divorce in my email detailing my financial requests to buy her out and divorce. That should remain pure business.

Any advice on the birthday and 23rd anniversary of us meeting from the folks who have been following my saga for the last couple years?

On a side note - So many new posters today. Makes me sad to see a bunch of newbies just starting out on this journey. I hope they listen much better than I did when I still had a chance.

[LearningPatience]

Your old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2157310#Post2157310

My two cents (and no, I wont make that joke again): if you want to stay in the house, stay in the house. Unless she's being completely spiteful, you should be able to say you want to stay there without having to give her reasons or excuses.

I probably wouldn't mention the 23 years thing, but a generic birthday card is always a nice touch. Ask yourself, is it something I would do for a (not necessarily close) friend?

It is sad to see all the new people here. I wish the best for all of them.

[BeTheMan]

LP - Thanks for linking for me.

I think you missed my point regarding me staying in the house. I do want to stay, but don't want her to know that. I also want her to believe I can't afford to buy her out if there is no financial support from her afterwards. Otherwise, she isn't nearly as likely to continue paying me on a monthly basis. At this point, it's all about coming out of the divorce the best I can.

I think I am reading things right in that I believe all she wants now is to get away, live her care free life with OM and have fun. In order to do that, she might agree to my financial requests. She will walk away with decent money as her half of the equity in the home and she makes good money, so she should be more than happy that way.

I think I am going to completely ignore her birthday. What is she going to do with a card I give her? Put it on the bed and read it while OM is....

I guess you can tell by my last few posts that my anger is coming back. I think that's a good thing right now.

[Starsky309]

I guess you can tell by my last few posts that my anger is coming back. I think that's a good thing right now.

So long as you don't make any DECISIONS based on it, it's perfectly healthy.

Important distinction.


Starsky

[BeTheMan]

The only decisions I have left to make are ones regarding the divorce details and I will do my best to approach that from a business like point of view.

Yesterday my Mom told me that she and STBX had just finished a game of Scrabble on FB. STBX deleted most of our mutual contacts just prior ro changinh her marital status to single rigth after her vacation with OM/Boss. I guess you can still complete a game you had started before that. Anyway, I found that ironic. I'm sure there will be no more contact between them.

Feeling a little down today. Thinking a lot about the fact that I all but sure that STBX and OM/Boss have been having a full on affair for years. I so wish that some day she would finally tell me the truth. That would give me true closure. But, I know she will never do that.

[BeTheMan]

On Mother's Day, I texted "Happy Mother's Day" to STBX. Today, she couldn't even bother to recognize the day on my behalf. I have had our children at home with me for a year and a half since she walked out. Doesn't that warrant something? She can actually come here a few days ago when it suits her agenda, but can't even send a text today. I am starting to believe she actually hates me.

D19 is making me dinner tonight. Maybe S17 will help. At least they (well...most D) remembered. I just went for a walk through my neighborhood. So many families, including extended enjoying the day together in back yards. That made me so sad. My kids no longer have their Mom and Dad together and also have virtually no contact with either extended family. One of the biggest mistakes I made was giving up my extended family to try to protect my core family. All my family was trying to do was get me to truly understand the relationship between STBX and her Boss. Now, she is with him and I have lost my family.

Some days I wonder if I was truly evil in a past life.

[Denver_2010]

On Mother's Day, I texted "Happy Mother's Day" to STBX. Today, she couldn't even bother to recognize the day on my behalf. I have had our children at home with me for a year and a half since she walked out. Doesn't that warrant something? She can actually come here a few days ago when it suits her agenda, but can't even send a text today. I am starting to believe she actually hates me.

D19 is making me dinner tonight. Maybe S17 will help. At least they (well...most D) remembered. I just went for a walk through my neighborhood. So many families, including extended enjoying the day together in back yards. That made me so sad. My kids no longer have their Mom and Dad together and also have virtually no contact with either extended family. One of the biggest mistakes I made was giving up my extended family to try to protect my core family. All my family was trying to do was get me to truly understand the relationship between STBX and her Boss. Now, she is with him and I have lost my family.

Some days I wonder if I was truly evil in a past life.

BeTheMan - I just want to stop in on your thread and wish you the best of luck. I know how difficult it must be going through what you are right now.

I can also kind of relate to the extended family thing that you talk about. I too have pushed my family away as a result of what I'm going through. I have done it only bc I tired of hearing everyone's opinion on what they thought I should do... and tired of hearing them criticize my W and defend me... I guess that's just not what I wanted to hear.

Can you repair those relationships? I would think that your family would understand anything that you did during a very difficult time of your life... especially since it was done in defense of your 'core' family.

BITS
Denver

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm the same as Denver when it comes to extended family for the same reasons he stated.

I'm sorry your W couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge you on this day, but your a great Dad anyway, regardless of what she did or didn't say.

[BeTheMan]

Denver & DG - Every time I think I must be the only person in the world with certain things in my life, this forum shows me that I am not. It doesn't make things better, but at least I know there are others who have made the same choices/mistakes.

This whole experience is so much worse when all you ever wanted was a home life with your "core" family. When you have given up on so much else to try to save that family, and it still doesn't work, it's hard to not feel alone - especially when your kids are grown and will be leaving home soon.

I believe those relationships are repairable. I want my kids to have some kind of family. STBX is still very much against our kids having anything to do with my family. She still claims they were part of the reason our marriage failed. I think that is part of it, but she is also worried about my sisters talking about things they know (or think they know) about the relationship between STBX and her Boss years ago. My oldest sister worked for them at one point and years ago was VERY concerned by what she saw and heard. Another sister saw them at a restauarant/bar in the middle of the day years ago. They claimed it was a meeting. I can come up with so many example of their improper behavior going back about 8 years. I was always uncomfortable with their relationship, but never handled it properly. And now...she is with him and they are apparently very happy together. I can't help feeling that I lost my wife to a lesser man.

This is going to be a tough week for me. Thursday is STBX's 41st birthday and the 23rd anniversary of the say we met. Last year at this time, we were getting ready to go to Mexico together to celebrate her 40th. I keep thinking of how beautiful she looked the night of her birthday when we went out for dinner and how great it was to be together that night - especially being "together". The trip to Mexico that began a few days later, didn't go well and it was that trip that I believe, made STBX decide she was never coming home.

What a difference a year makes.

[ninelives]

Yes, sometimes what a difference a week makes. But you got to stop looking behind and trying to fiugre our why. You know this BTM and so do I , but this will keep us stuck and then next thing you know, 10 years have passed by and we are still stuck.

Time to move on my Friend. She knows where you are if she changes her mind but it doesnt sound like she is going to .

At least , anytime soon.

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