Huge Setback...

[keep_going]

Hi, this is my first posting and situation is complex, so I apologize for the long summary.

I've been married for 13 years and together for 19. Even though we have loved and considered each other soul mates thru out our relationship, Our situation has deteriorated with every passing year. I have had an anger management problem throughout my whole adult life and my husband comes from a broken family and an abusive alcoholic father during my husband's childhood. Needless to say, we both brought a lot of baggage to our relationship in addition to all the mistakes we've made to the point of letting anger and resentment take over our marriage and arguing on a daily basis.

Last year was the worst - the only highlight of the year was a trip to Hawaii - we had a great time and I felt very hopeful that things could improve and we bought a new house in Nov. We and also went to New Orleans for a week-long work convention from my husband's job. We had a terrible fight my last day there (I returned 3 days earlier than he did). I later found out that his EA with a client from Oakland started at a party the following day.

Three weeks later I found out I got pregnant in New Orleans (we had been trying all last year) and when I told him, he was not happy. He later admitted to me that at the time he felt trapped by this pregnancy.

We moved in to our new home on Dec. 17th. On the 20th he told me ILYBNILWY. He said my anger had finally destroyed our relationship and that he had given up on us and was moving out. Despite all our problems, I was completely shocked by his statements and in my usual angry reaction, I told him to leave and that I didn't want him to stay with me if he didn't love me. He he moved out on 12/23 and at first came over regularly in the evenings to help do the night-time routine and put our two young daughters to bed.

On January 17th we had our worst argument ever - he once again placed all the blame for our problems on my anger. That was the day I hit rock bottom and decided to get help for anger management and start working on fixing myself.

On January 31st, the day he came back from a supposed trip to Palm Springs (I later found out he went to Oakland), he asked me for the divorce. He told me he now had a new life, new friends and he was happy. He also said he did not want anything to do with me anymore. He wanted to immediately sell both the new house we had just purchased in Dec. as well as the townhome where we used to live. He said I would need to start looking into how I would support myself because he was only willing to help with joint children's expenses.

Since he had always been in charge of our finances, I immediately started to look into our financial affairs to learn what I would need to take care of if he followed through with his wishes. That is when I found out about his EA - she is married, lives in Oakland and has 2 daughters. He later told me she was just a friend with whom he shared about marital problems. He told me her husband had cheated on her, yet they were working on trying to restore their marriage.

I am not sure exactly when the affair turned physical, but I've seen evidence of it as early as end of January. He has visited Oakland frequently and she has also come down to LA as well. The last two times (including this past weekend), she stayed with him in the townhome that I still own with him. He has tried to hide this unsuccessfully - he is a terrible liar. I have been finding out all this information gradually in the last six months through clues he has been leaving behind and I admit it - through snooping in on our phone bill, credit card records, and his and her facebook and twitter pages. Yet, he is not aware of just how much I really know about his affair or activities.

I had not confronted him on any of this until April. He became very upset, turned it on me and accused me of snooping. He could not believe I would accuse him of having an inappropriate relationship with a married woman. He added he didn't think there was anything wrong with him dating anyways because he had been very clear back in late January that he wanted the divorce and I was the one who asked him to wait and think about it. He also said he wants to be happy and does not want to look back in 10 years and realize he has been miserable or wasted his life. I calmly responded I did not agree with his actions, but had no control over them and that I would continue working on myself and hope that he would reconsider and give our marriage a shot.

During these past six months, he has also displayed other signs of a MLC - he joined an online dating service in January, which he just disconnected it a couple of weeks ago. He is exercising regularly, updated his wardrobe for a younger "cooler" look, spending $, going out, etc.

In the meantime, I have been working with a coach, reading a lot of self-help and relationship books (including two of Michelle's) and just worked on my anger management and becoming a better person, a better wife and a better mom. Although I have had setbacks, I have made a lot of progress.

I have even seen improvements in my relationship with my husband. We don't argue nearly as often as we used to and when we do, I immediately initiate a reconciliation instead of holding a grudge for days. I stay away from talking about his new lifestyle, his affair, his dating, spending, detachment from our daughters, or our relationship. I have tried to concentrate on being a good friend for him, being supportive, improving our interactions and continue working on myself and showing him that my change is real. He had noticed some my changes and commented on them earlier in the year. He has moved from not wanting anything to do with me, to sometimes showing genuine care for me, but it's all still very inconsistent, plus every time we argue sets us back significantly.

I don't know any given day which personality will show up at my door. Sometimes he is mean, rude and detached, and is always texting OW or other friends. Other times he is very nice. He treats me like a friend, engages in conversations and shares some of his feelings and we've had some fun times together. Twice in April and once in May, he made some advances, we got intimate and he ended up spending the night at our house. We have also gone to the movies twice in the last month. A couple of times in April he acknowledged being depressed and not knowing what he wants.

Yet, this past weekend OW came down to LA and stayed with him at our town home for 3 days. The days leading to her arrival he was unusually cold and distant. Because his relationship with her is still not out in the open, he consistently lies to cover it. He accidentally left his cell phone in my car last weekend and I read his text messages. Big mistake - I wanted to die from all that I found. He is clearly very much in love with her and she just told him she is setting up a meeting with a divorce lawyer to end her marriage.

All of this, led to a huge setback last night. He called and said he would come over and have dinner with us. He was a no show and later argued he had to work late on a presentation. He's done this quite regularly in the past, where he doesn't show, call and then lies about working late. Yet I never confronted him about it until yesterday. When he finally showed up, I had been crying and left to avoid a fight. When I came back he insisted on wanting to know what was wrong and I made the mistake of becoming terribly emotional, crying and telling him I was tired of his lies and then refused to talk to him any further.

This morning he texted to apologize for the dinner misunderstanding. He said that he likes how our friendship has been growing, and that he is starting to trust me again, but he sees I that I don't trust him since I called him a liar. He added he is not lying to me, but simply refuses to share certain things with me, like details of his dating life because he knows it hurts me. He also said he feels I am snooping around his life and knows I want more than a friendship, but that he doesn't. He said he wants to have a non-confrontational relationship with me and that is step 1 for him. He added that he cares a lot about me and doesn't like to see me hurt, and that he is sad because he realizes he has no power to fix that. He finished by saying he desperately wants us to get along, that he misses his friend and knows it's not going to happen overnight and he wished we could share stuff with each other.

I feel so demoralized and like I have taken a million steps backwards with my emotional outburst of last night. Yet, I feel emotionally drained and I am running out of steam to stay upbeat in front of him and acting as a friend. The worst is when he goes off on trips with her or she comes down to LA (he is going up North again all next week). it's hard not to let those things get to me.

My plan was to continue working on myself, ignoring his affair and selfish behavior until after our baby is born at the end of July and see what kind of effect that may have on him. Now I am not even sure I will be strong enough emotionally to have him present when the baby is born if he is going to be cold or be constantly texting the OW from the hospital - I don't think I could bear it.

As far I know, he has not yet contacted any lawyer to start divorce proceedings, but all that could change based on his comments today and the fact that the OW is now seeing a lawyer herself. I still want to save my marriage but find it very hard to stay positive and keep fighting.

I just ordered two new books Michelle recommends:"Not Just Friends" and "Love Must Be Tough". I am also reaching out to this online community looking for support and some new insights on my situation. I don't want to make any rash decisions at this point.

Thanks for reading / listening.


M:40
H:40
D1:3.5
D2: 2.5
S1: Due Date 7/31/11
M: 13 yrs / together 19 yrs
EA: 11/10/10
PA: could have started as early as 11/10
Bomb: 12/20/10 ILYBNILWY
Sep: 12/23/10
He asked for Divorce: 01/31/11, but has not filed yet

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Keep,

You're not alone.

I have had an anger management problem throughout my whole adult life and my husband comes from a broken family and an abusive alcoholic father during my husband's childhood.

I can see how these issues affected your marriage.
I am glad that you are working on your anger.

"Use your anger as a shield, not a sword."
Do not lash out with it, but you can use it to armor yourself.

I still want to save my marriage but find it very hard to stay positive and keep fighting.

Support we can offer, and advice. Weigh the advice choose carefully, all of it is given with best intentions, not all of it can be worn.

Try posting in Newcomers.

You'll get more support there in a more timely manner.

Those two books are good, but have you gotten Divorce Remedy yet?
That is the one I would recommend more than any other.
Also; do not let him see those books. It is counter productive.

Now I am not even sure I will be strong enough emotionally to have him present when the baby is born if he is going to be cold or be constantly texting the OW from the hospital - I don't think I could bear it.

Cross that bridge when it happens. Instead of imagining trolls under it. OK?

No need to be adding monsters to your head right now.

I feel so demoralized and like I have taken a million steps backwards with my emotional outburst of last night.

Ahhh your fine. Really. Try not to do it. But move on after it does happen.

This morning he texted to apologize for the dinner misunderstanding. He said that he likes how our friendship has been growing, and that he is starting to trust me again, but he sees I that I don't trust him since I called him a liar. He added he is not lying to me, but simply refuses to share certain things with me, like details of his dating life because he knows it hurts me. He also said he feels I am snooping around his life and knows I want more than a friendship, but that he doesn't. He said he wants to have a non-confrontational relationship with me and that is step 1 for him. He added that he cares a lot about me and doesn't like to see me hurt, and that he is sad because he realizes he has no power to fix that. He finished by saying he desperately wants us to get along, that he misses his friend and knows it's not going to happen overnight and he wished we could share stuff with each other.

Guilt. He is using guilt on you.
This is your fault.

Do not buy into it.
Suffer it, perhaps, but do not believe it is your fault.

[keep_going]

Hi Jack,

Thanks for your response - I really appreciate it. I did read both of Michelle's books DB and DivRemedy. You are right I found DR more helpful.

I also posted in newcomers and included an update - thanks for the advice. Hopefully I'll get more response there.