2/14/2003 - H moves back in after I successfully DB through him leaving due to unhappiness and my A. 12/12/2007 - H moves from Chicago to Seattle for a job. I stay home to sell the house and we live apart for almost 8 months. During this time he gets friends (didn't have any before), works out and gets in shape and becomes happier with himself. 10/??/2009 - H suggests we see an MC after we have been discussing on and off the frustration at our lack of fire in the bedroom. We go 4 or 5 times and H brings up D if we can't fix this. I freak out since I think the rest of the M is good - he thinks on it and decides that yes we should stay together. We have a renewed vigor. 12/??/2009 - H brings up the idea of having kids. We try to get pregnant for 8 months and finally conceive. I miscarry in month 3. 4/16/2011 - H drops the bomb after a day filled with future plans and after I'd fallen asleep in bed. He spends the next days avoiding the house at all costs. 4/21/2011 - I leave for my parents for 2 weeks. I go completely dark for a full 7 days at the end. H starts splitting our things and sends me a financial split suggestion for the D. 5/5/2011 - I come back and things are uncomfortable in the house. H makes himself available for talking and we do R talks. Of course this is not helping as he is so defensive at this point. H and I tentatively agree to a financial split. I'm supposed to be going through the house selecting what things I want. 5/12/2011 - H moves out to his own apartment. 6/3/2011 - Our 11th anniversary and a big R talk that I thought might have helped us make some progress but I'm not sure. He forced the issue of getting the paperwork done and me getting to the lawyer within the week. 6/15/2011 - H's birthday and he calls me to drive him to the ER where he is spending at least the next day if not two in the hospital.
So things have been pretty quiet the past couple of weeks for a few reasons. First, H said he would get me the updated D paperwork and that I must see the lawyer within the week. However, I have yet to see this updated D paperwork for 2 weeks now and thus have not visited my lawyer yet. He's really moving slow and I'm not sure the reasons. My gut says it's just that he's too busy and tired from working so much to actually get time for it but if he really wanted the D that bad, he would make time for it. I'll just take it as a good sign.
During the last 2 weeks I had a bit of an epiphany - the puzzle pieces of our lives all falling into place basically. This D has little to nothing to do with me. I figured this out through some observations outside parties made, combined with things from our past and put that together with some things H had written. Yes there are things I can/could do to make this M better and be a better wife. He cites that he is "no longer attracted to me" and he is "not happy with me" so he would rather pursue things without me in order to have a happier life. But the truth of the matter is that my H does not know how to find happiness within himself. He suffers from low self-esteem and very negative self talk and I can't believe I have been oblivious to it for so very long. He has worked so hard in his life to overcome it on his own and without the help of counseling or medication & he has not been successful. I may discuss the points in a later post but now that my eyes have been opened, so to speak, it's so very hard to unsee. I've been so quiet these past couple of weeks contemplating this epiphany and what exactly that means for me and our R.
I basically think all of this means that, more than ever before, there is really not a lot I can do in this sitch but give it time and patience and move on with my life while he figures out his own life. Maybe that means he decides he forever wants to be without me but the poor guy is going to be stuck in his vicious cycle until he breaks it himself. No R, no woman, no friends, no hobbies, no amount of new jobs or job changes are going to fix this for him. Not my problem if we get D'ed I guess. If he does some day wake up and realize he wants me, it's not going to be that easy anymore. I know they say keep the road home paved smooth but I don't want our old R anymore. And going forward, I don't want to be playing russian roulette every day (is this going to be the day he randomly leaves me again?) or walking on eggshells every day of my life. That's not the R that I want anymore. Am I willing to try and work something out? Yes of course. But it's not going to be easy.
I guess you could say I've dropped the rope. You might even say I'm starting to move on. I've certainly increased the fervor on the job search as that is the key thing that has to fall in place for me before the rest comes (where am i living, etc etc).
Then today happened and threw me for a loop. Last evening I talked briefly with the H as he had asked for the car and I completely missed the text message. He said it was ok because he was not feeling well. He had let something go on his leg and it was infected, he had a fever. I said let me drive you to the ER. He insisted he had a doctor's appointment this morning and he would just go to that. The doctor took one look and said, immediately to the ER with you mister. He called me of course to pick him up and take him there. (Of course I'm your first call and the only person you can ultimately rely on for these kinds of things.) I drove him there, sat in the waiting room with him but he did not want me to go back with him so asked me to leave. That was hard but I did. I told him I would come visit his room when he got one and see how he was - I was/am very worried about him. He said he didn't want me to come so I guess I'm respecting that wish. Said it would be too much stress with the uncomfortable conversation added to the hospital thing. They have him on antibiotics and are keeping him for 2 days. He's keeping me updated and I think everything is ok but I am not sure as I am getting very little information and he has a tendency to downplay things.
So things were going well and I was moving on and today I'm in tears because he pushed me away in what is a serious situation and I'm terribly worried.
My first question was to ask if he was ok and I'm glad to hear that he will be.
I can imagine it hurt when he told you to leave. I would feel hurt also. However, I am glad you were able to pull yourself together and respect his wishes. Kudos to you for that.
As for advice, I wish I had something awesome to offer you, but I don't. Your H sounds a lot likE how I was before I started C for myself. Very low self esteem and negative self talk. I was/am very good at self sabotaging myself. It's something I am really trying hard to overcome. You are correct in knowing that his issues are not because of you. They are because of him and unfortunately he is the only one who can change it. It's hard and it takes work, but it can be done. I'm living proof.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I did have one thing I needed to bounce off of people. At first I thought it was a good sign that he asked me to pick him up for the emergency - I mean I'm the one he could rely on when it was really needed. But then for him to cut me out of everything else like that... it was hurtful and now I just feel a bit used. I realize this might be the "backlash" but I might also be reading too much into this. I have our shared car, I do not have a job, he knew I was free & close by and he knows I will of course drive him to the ER because I'm nice.
Do I tell him to find his own ride when he gets out of the hospital? Is that cold? I just feel like being a nice person isn't really working. What if he had to deal with the reality that I actually won't always be able (or willing) to do these kinds of things for him....
I don't know. Maybe I'm just reacting out of hurt right now.
Oh and when he filled out the forms for the ER today ... he put me as his emergency contact and relationship: wife.... I mean it's still technically true I guess but ...??
I don't think being kind is ever a bad thing. If you are available I think it would be nice to pick him up IF HE asks. But don't sit around and wait either. If you happen to be busy, you can politely let him know he will need to find another ride.
I think it is wise to question the motive of our actions. If they are from anger, fear, etc, take another look.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well he's out of the hospital and on oral antibiotics after about 3 and a half days inside.
However, I think I'm done. I'm just fed up at this point and can't do it anymore. He was chatty with me the entire time he was in the hospital yet pushes me away like any WAS does with their inconsistent behavior but it finally just pushed me over the edge. So I went off and told him to stop talking to me and I can't keep being available and relied upon when it's critical yet pushed away every other moment.
He apologized but agreed and said we would keep communication to just legal and property type stuff now. He then sent a huge apology letter later saying he didn't mean to be a jerk but he was just trying to walk that line of being friendly but not trying to give me any hope for the R - and he erred on the side of being an jerk too much. That kind of made me mad actually so I called him and asked him why he called me to take him to the ER. His answer was that I was the first person he thought of and who he would think of in situation's like that. That was exactly my point.
Anyways, I'm not actively DB'ing anymore so I'll probably stop posting here unless things change. It's sad to be at this point but I'm strong enough now to be here and move on. It just took some time.
Two months later and still no paperwork filed. I've gone through a multitude of emotions and have resigned myself to the fact that I both love him and hate him. I can't quite figure out how to forgive him yet. I'm going to just be nice and act like I would to any other person and continue to seriously pursue my own future independently. I'm stilling living in our house but as soon as the paperwork is filed, I will pack up my things and go ... somewhere. I've been searching hard for a job with no leads as of yet, unfortunately.
Why isn't the paperwork filed yet? I don't know. I could say there have been legitimate delays but to be honest, it could have been filed by now. We have had agreement for some time and could possibly have had it faster. Every time I seem to have cause for delay, he rails at me as if I'm dragging my feet - yet once I resolve whatever it is that is delaying and put the ball back in his court, he doesn't seem to be in a rush anymore. However, I think this is just temporary and we will soon be filing in a week or two.
As for DB'ing... I guess I'm doing it in the sense of getting my own life and reflecting that person he fell in love with back. But I'm doing it because this is the person I want to be and with the air of moving on and not because this is how I get him back. I think there's a huge emotional difference in the two and it takes some time to get here.
I won't say that the sitch doesn't still upset me or drive me to tears but there is nothing I can directly do to change his mind at this point so I must accept that he has made his decision and muster up the respect for that somehow or at least honor myself in moving on.
Hope everyone here is making their way through it all too.
Hi Calystra - Sorry you are back here, but speaking from the other side - you may find yourself much happier in the future. You may remember, my H and I reconciled after his affair. Things were grand for a few years - then he flamed out again and we divorced. I was devastated, but as soon as I decided to LET GO - my life became grand! No more walking on eggshells around his chronically unhappy self. Spending my time doing the things I wanted to do with the people I liked.
Now, 2 1/2 years later, I am playing the drums in an amateur rock band, am finally moved into my beautiful new house, and have a tall dark handsome new boyfriend who is 9 years younger. Life is good!
I recall reading your sitch when I first started perusing the board. Sadly, it reminded me far too much of my own (with the coming and going far too many times), and I have often wondered how you were doing since you stopped posting.
Despite the fact that your M still has not be reconciled, you do sound good. And strong.
I don't think there is any shame in being done when this seems like a pattern or a personality issue. I too have reached that point in my M and know that if this is what my H truly wants, then it is his choice. Unfortunately, in my case we have children so it affects more than just my H and I.
Do know that if this is a pattern with your H, that you are saving yourself a lot of pain. It's very hard to have a healthy marriage when the foundation of trust is constantly being threatened.
Anyway, I wish you luck and I truly hope your H wakes up one day and realizes what he has lost.
Signed the papers today to file for the big D. I cried over both signatures but held it together otherwise. Had a backslide earlier in the week but we're actually having really really good interactions now. I don't know that it will lead anywhere but I'm sure it's reminding him how nice and fun it was to talk with me about things.
I'm excited about finding a new job and moving to California. I've been asking his advice on some resume things since he's an expert in our field and the excitement of me pursuing something I'm passionate about again is coming through. I know this is something that was missing for me (and us) for a long time and it was a complaint of his at my lack of motivation and ambition so it's probably throwing him for a loop to see it all again.
Right now it'll take 2-3 weeks for the county to receive and process the paperwork. Then they give us a date 3 months from then as to when we file the final paperwork. So it's still another 4 months until the actual D but I'll be in another state and probably have a job by then. As everyone says, if he wants to change his mind he will come to me wherever I am.
You may remember, my H and I reconciled after his affair. Things were grand for a few years - then he flamed out again and we divorced. I was devastated, but as soon as I decided to LET GO - my life became grand! No more walking on eggshells around his chronically unhappy self. Spending my time doing the things