Sorry now I cant find the new thread you started.. Ill reply here for now.. Do not tell her what GAL you are doing this would be more of you trying to prove yourself. She will notice even if she doesnt mention it to you etc..
Simply tell her only what is needed to know let her wonder what you are up to because you wonder what she is up to.. dont you? 24hours is very good! try to keep that up~! When you think of her texting the OM use the stop sign method to block it out of your head and only see a stop sign. Someone else posted that and it seems to work for me most of the time. It will only make you angry and upset then you will react if you think about it.
I think this is a learning process so no matter how good you are at this you will slip sometimes. That is okay just get back up and start again..
Regarding her sisters.. They will tell her and she will know you are keeping tabs on her so this is just as bad as texting etc. It is fishing for information and she will feel crowded... does it really make you feel better? Or give you a feeling of control?
I had been talking to my H mother who is very much on my side. He is angry about this since I wasnt very close with her before and he made a mention of this when he told me he wanted a D. Well I have stopped my contact with her except to pray and tell her about the kids. Well this weekend when I kept myself in check and did great she accused him of things.
She texted him and told him that since he wasnt talking to his kids for a whole weekend he must be with someone etc. He took this as me telling her things and in fact it was not.. So watch out it might backfire even when you least expect it.. I have to see where the cards will fall now..
When you get really upset try to breathe and think will this action bring me closer to my goal? if it is not an absolute yes then just wait to do it and ask again later..
We have patience and time on our side!!! She is noticing your behavior trust me!
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
LMH, i will take your advice concerning the sisters and the fishing thing to heart. I know better. Here's the link to my new post i will copy and paste it there also:
I fear i may have committed a cardinal sin. After hockey tonight i drove by my W house and saw there was a truck there. I texted her:
M: asked if i could come over
w: no we are sleeping
M: who's truck is that
she never responded to who's truck it is. I call and we talk and argue back and forth with me asking her who's truck is there and whether they are sleeping together. She says she's not sleeping with anyone. She gets mad at me saying that i've ignored her for 2 days by not texting her and talking to her, to which i say you can text and talk to me also. She says no one is there and i say quit lying to me, who's there?
We continue to fight and argue about stuff that has gone on in our M and and says she's gonna divorce me and take me for child support. She eventually tells me that OM is staying there but he's not in bed with her, our 2 girls are and he's either on the couch or in extra bed. I said you know that God says "thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife" and that that's what OM is doing, coveting you.
At that point i asked to her just listen to me for a while i proceeed to tell her that i've talked to the pastor at the church i've been going to and that i realized that i've spent my whole life getting it all wrong. About living with anger and being bitter, i'm at a crossroad in my life where i'm leaving all that stuff behind me. That i never knew what unconditional love was until i met her and had our girls in my life and that they've taught me what unconditional love is.
I told her that if i could go back to the first time that i knew i loved her, and i recalled it to her like i have before, and know then what i know now that i would do and act differently with our girls and with her. That i've been on the wrong path and that i'm getting on the right path, the Godly path.
I talked for at least 30-35 minutes and she hardly said a word the whole time. I could hear her sniffling a bit and holding back tears. I asked her to not close the book on us that our future together is so much brighter than our past.
LMH i also forgot to mention that she's mad that i'm going away this weekend with my best friend and one of his buddies to a party. She mentioned to me tonight that i said to her that i was going with him and some friends. That really seemed to hit a nerve with her with how i said "friends".
Have I lost my W?? She told me yesterday that she's going to date. Is all hope lost for us? I'm so down in the dumps about this.
We agreed yesterday to take a "family" vacation next month to disney. Her saying that she's going to date cuts deep and hurts so very much. What should i do now?
Dazed, As hard as it is you cannot stop her from doing what she chooses. You can only control how you react to her statements towards you. She may be doing this just to hurt you or to figure out things.
Do not dwell on what she is doing or who she is doing it with. I know this hurts! I often have my mind race and think is my H sleeping with someone because he told me he wants a D all of the sudden? I really have to pull myself back in because this only allows me to get upset and eventually backslide. Try to use the stop sign method when you think about it. When the thought of her with someone comes up throw a big red stop sign up in your mind. Do not allow yourself to go down that path....
If things work out you can deal with these things then and until then try to not think about them. I know it hurts! All of it hurts dont show that to her at all remember to act "as if" you are moving on. How did you respond to her when she said she was going to date?
We dont know if we have lost our spouses forever.. That is the ultimate question we wont know until the future.. You can only hold out hope that your W sees your 180's and your actual changes.
For the family vacation think about that.. Plan how you will be and what you will say. Think about how much fun you will have with your kids! This is something they will always remember so try to make it drama free and fun memory full!!!
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
She says that she needs to figure out what she wants. It's extremely hard to not dwell on what she's doing or who she's with. I was in a motorcycle accident 20 years ago next month and i would take going thru that ordeal 100 times over this one, in a heartbeat!! I understand i can't stop her from doing what she wants when she wants, i really do. But it doesn't make it any easier.
I asked her not to date when she said she was going to. Told her that we could date and start anew and rekindle our relationship. That didn't go over very well. As f'ed up as it may sound i can forgive my wife. She got mad last week because i hadn't texted her in two days, said i was ignoring her. I was like you can text me too you know. It hurts like a son of gun. I hate it more and more everyday.
As for the family vacation i'm really looking forward to it. Along with playing roller hockey i'm gonna start doing P90X and get my body looking really good for the sunny weather in Fla. Hopefully that will spark some interest from her and that's also one of my 180's, getting into better shape. I don't want to ruin the vacation by bringing a lot of drama and BS to it. Especially for D8. Her sister has gone several times with her dad, she's my SD, and D8 is soooo excited about going.
I did say to my W that we could use the vacation for a new start, to show her that we can be good together and that i am changing. That may not have been the right thing to do or say.
Had a very good night last with W and kids. My SD had cheer practice and she had forgotten her shoes at the house and W wanted me to meet them so she could get them for practice. In all honesty i didn't want to meet so i dropped shoes off at front desk of YMCA for her and told W that i had grass to cut and that i had dropped shoes off at front desk for SD and then i asked her what she and other D8 and D3 were going to do.
W: that they might come out to our house while i cut grass
M: well we could take the girls to the park or something.
W: I thought you were going to cut the grass
M: I can put off mowing to be with my girls
W: ok we can go to the library i haven't been there in forever
M: ok sounds good....i'll meet u there
W: well i'm gonna clean the blazer out u want me to pick u up at the library or u want me to text u when i'm done?
M: I was gonna get subway, i'll meet u there at the car wash
W: ok
M: what did you guys eat?
W: we didn't
M: I thought u did?
M: you wanna go get something?
W: no we didn't have dinner yet....sure
M: Where @? The hut?
W: k
M: meet ya there babe
So we eat at pizza hut and while we are there we talk a little bit about our upcoming vacation and our D3 is acting up and not listening so i take her out of the eating area to sort of calm her down tell her that she needs to be good and eat her dinner to which she says ok i will, which i know she's fibbing, so we go back in and while i'm putting her in her seat W says "and i'm texting my sister if you must know" I said "no" and that was the only thing that was muttered about OM.
So after we eat i go with them to help clean out the blazer and we are helping out, D8 is running the vacuum. So after we clean out the inside we go to wash the outside and the floor mats. First we let D8 & D3 scrub and wash the floor mats with the brush and hose, D3 gets a hoot out of this. I help D8 spray the car and in the process i take the hose and spray W with a little bit of water. She laughs and smiles as we play around with it.
I let D8 finish washing the car. W notices a new crafts store beside the car wash and she says she wants to check it out so i pick W up and while i'm carrying her we race D3 to the store, of course she wins. She checks it out and we decide to go back and i have my back to her and invite her to get on my back which she does. I carry her over and she stays on my back for a while. We watch D8 finish and she turns the hose at us and sprays us and her sister several times with everyone laughing and having a lot of fun. I put W down and we hugged and i asked her for a kiss to which she obliged, we kissed a couple of times, some were pecks and a couple were passionate kisses.
We go to pick up SD and she mentions how she wants to check out the new store and i say why would like something for our house to which she says I would like some outside furniture for our porch, we've never had furniture for our porch at our house. I said ok. We pick up SD after her practice and W mentioned about going to have ice cream, to which the girls are excited about. We have ice cream and we sit and talk as a family about our upcoming vacation and stuff. I have a hockey game so she takes me to my car and i give all the girls a kiss and tell them i love them. I go around and W rolls down window and we kiss, and we say our goodbyes.
After my hockey game i text W
M: i had fun tonight
W: yep it was fun.... did you win your game?
M: no we lost 11-6....we fell apart in the 3rd period
After this it's just little chit chat for a couple of minutes. All in all it was an awesome night. Just trying to keep an even keel about all of it but it's hard not to be hopeful. Still praying and hoping.
So i'm sitting here thinking why is that we let the OM/OW ruin or affect our lives as much as they do? I mean i'd love to turn OM face into a 1lb package of lean ground beef but something inside of me is holding me back. What is it? The off chance of reconciliation with my W? What my kids may think of me if i do?
What about what my kids think of me for letting OM in our lives in the first place? Are they going to look up at me for what's happened or are they going to look down at me because I've basically let OM waltz into our life and shatter it to pieces?
Sorry for the rant i just was thinking about this and had to vent, had a bad day yesterday and it all sort of just rolls together on top of itself.
What makes the WAS lie so much? I mean they are even lying to themselves!! This is just insanity, even when i tell my W that she's lying to herself she calls me an idiot!! I just don't get it.
