Well guys, it was a bit of a shock I must admit, seeing what may well be my situation set out in black and white.
I have read alot on line and recently started to read the Divorce Busting Book, so the learning begins in 'earnest'.
Still not sure it is MLC, she has not given me a list of my apparent failings/ faults, although its my fault we have socialised more. 90% of the time she is perfectly fine toward me and, no screaming matches etc. I had started to stop 'trying' ( calls, gifts etc ) before I discovered the 180, because I was just not getting any real response/ feedback/ follow on.
I think this has had some effect, but still unsure if it might not be too harsh at this stage. I find that I struggle to get past a week without touching on OR resulting in some upset.
It feels that I am sharing her with others, and this upsets me greatly, in addition to the unknown future. How do some of you guys hang on ? Cannot help but wonder that if the odds are no more than 50/50 that we can still be rejected at the end of MLC, then perhaps we should walk away now and get the hurt over in one go as it were.
Cannot help but wonder that if the odds are no more than 50/50 that we can still be rejected at the end of MLC, then perhaps we should walk away now and get the hurt over in one go as it were.
This mindset is a selfish mindest.
This is your marriage we are talking about here, not some game, not some percentage chance. And For the record 50-50? Those are awesome odds.
If all you are doing is looking at numbers, then honestly this is not the place for you. If you are looking a the odds right now, instead of defying them, you'll find easier reasons to quit down the road.
Just because your wife is not upholding her wedding vows, does that give you the right to drop your own vows?
This is the 'worse' in the for better or worse.
Better is easy, look at all the married people who can do easy, I can do easy when I am sleeping, with a blindfold and my hands tied behind my back.
Worse?
Worse took everythig I had.
The only number you should ever concern yourself with is the percentage chance YOU bring to the odds. You are the wildcard, and you affect those odds, every minute, every hour and every day.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
We ALL have felt that way. My goal, is to point out that YOUR vows, YOUR Promise is worth more than the odds. No matter what anyone else does, no matter what promises they break, you should always hold yourself to your own convictions.
Fair...it isn't fair. Nope, but the guy who told you life is fair, needs to be Ryu-Ken'd in the family jewels.
And all you need to do is watch a spider feeding on a fly to realize that the universe isn't all about happiness.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It might well be described as selfish, but I cannot believe that most have not considered that at one stage, perhaps I am being more honest !! You are in pain and shock. But to try and rationally predict what you can tolerate and possibly forgive, is damn hard at this point. You'll have to give yourself time on this. And TIME is something you sort of have a lot of
and yet, you have to change YOU and that has to happen NOW, "from this day forward"....someday when you are ready, we'll all talk about how to get past this.
For now, getting through it, is the goal.
Just perhaps we all have to find our own 'level' in being able to deal with it.
But you're correct this is the 'worse'element of the marriage vows and I need to get past these early issues (only 9 weeks in).
Div Busting can and does work. Not always, not most of the time. But more than anything else I tried.
And I tried several marriage counselors before this site. Finally found a mc who was in alignment with this solution based approach. The prior counselors were trying to change H's mind about the choices he was making. Some said openly that he was "acting like a man without a family" and another said "Sounds as if you want to be single"...which left me with squat...I mean what was I supposed to do with that info?
As an important aside, the best news you can get from a MC is that YOU have some work to do on YOU...b/c if it's all about her being wrong,
then you are powerless. But if there are things you can or should do differently, that is empowering.
Only a solution based approach was able to do that for me. I was thrilled to see that I had made mistakes b/c I knew I could DO SOMETHING about that! Please realize this...you want to be "wrong" about something so you can work on it.
If you are a truly perfect mate and your w still leaves...that's BAD news...that's called hopeless. Fortunately, it's pretty rare to have happen....like never....
That MC, and the DB coach I had, were the two Godsends that saved our m.
I give myself some credit for growth. I forgave things I never thought I would and have no problem with it now. (does not mean I could do it again however...just saying, I got through it, eventually, with my head held high).
I see things more clearly and how wrong my own approach had been for years....
I recall thinking "for a smartypants educated woman, I sure can be stupid"...or stubborn, or needing to be 'right"
btw, you will soon need to choose between needing to be "right" and being happy.
I chose happy.
Go with this program and share what you need to share. There are screen names and no posting of personal contact, for a reason. It's safer.
You are in the right place for a painful reason.
FWIW, you have a lot of good signs in your situation and I'm not sure you see that.
She has NOT mentioned divorce or leaving, correct? Also if she has a medical condition that
"prevents sex", then how's she going to have a PA? ( I wasn't clear on this issue but you mentioned it...do you have a good intimate R?)
Don't assume her medical condition is not a serious emotional issue for her. Having her D leave for college and having a med condition are two milestones that
remind us of time passing and our lives coming into their decline.
NO wonder she's throwing herself into her volunteer work. She needs meaning to attach to her life as half of her "purpose" just left the home.
Read Laura Munson' article about her husband's MLC and her approach to it. It's called
"Those Aren't Fighting Words".
good luck, keep keeping on
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
No she has not spoken about divorce or leaving, just said that she is still here and never packed her bags, which I have taken as a positive.
It interesting you noted the lack of sex/love making,her condition meant she has a low sex drive, much to my disappointment, but felt that was the price to pay to be with her. Now interesting an article on MSM, see below :
A 2002 study of almost 300 women by an American psychologist found that sexually active participants who were not using condoms as their contraceptive were less likely to suffer from depression than those who did. The experts involved believe that the hormone prostaglandin, which is only found in semen, may be absorbed into the female body, where it helps to regulate her hormones and thus reduce the risk of mental illness.
Now with the likelyhood of depression being in there (w)somewhere, for the last year or so we used condoms up to approx. Jan this year, then she returned to the pill, a newer one which she has said, that since being on it she was more interested in sex, shame she didn't let me know !
Since the bomb was dropped we have had sex 3 times and made love twice, previously that was 6 months worth.
Anyway I thought the scientific facts were interesting.
Last friday our daughter returned home from Uni. for summer hols. Just last evening(Sunday) she commented on how 'weird' her mother was acting since her return and was not sure if she could cope with it all summer.
Well I realise that MLC could cause this strange behaviour and was not sure if I was imagining it, but clearly not. That said since the 'bomb' and what she has done, she has not been unpleasant to me, hence the sex in my last post.
Still unsure if it is entirely MLC, should I be trying the 180 and keeping'distant' at this stage, that said, doing as I did all the wrong things (gifts, calls etc) early on didn't help me or prompt anything but a minimal response from W.
Last week W rang me at work to say how angry she was to read in local paper that a local Offical she was dealing with had 'lied' to her and the Action group she's involved in. Managed to bite my tongue on that one ! Onward and upward !
I should have added to my last post, yet to be online though, that my own self improvement is making progress, not easy, but I am identifying the areas were its needed, I believe.
