We have been married 21 years ( both 37 years), never any problems, 2 kids one 14 years and the other 19 years, away at Univ, as of last Oct. 2010, which I believe has been the 'spark' to her issues.
She struggled dealing with the departure of daughter to Uni.but when she returned after xmas I thought W was dealing with it. Did not think any more about it (clearly should have).
W does not work full time and since daughter away W thrown herself into her voluntry work more so.
My enlightenment came 7 April this year, came home at lunch time to pick some thing up and found hotmail account open with unknown name, but W names also shown as it can do. Content from sender to W explicit but w replies not so. Stunned and disbelieve on my part, W had little interest in sex due to medical condition.
When she returned I challenged her, she said it had been going on for a few months and was very defensive, later she changed her position and said it was not her, clearly a lie. W not a liar in past !
Following day she said that over the night feelings came over her that she loved me but was not sure if she was in love with me anymore. She also felt lost and not sure of her postion anymore, no doubt due to daughter at Uni.
Since then W said not wanted to discuss, her head was in her words 'mush' ( is this the Fog) and she wished it would sought itself out and says shes feels guilty for the hurt she has caused me.
Founded further evidence since, W only admits when really pressed, I had thought she would confess all, but no just what she gets found out on. Less issues arising and less confrontations from me, things seem more stable but not normal. She is very negative about all things in relation to herself.
She has at my request shut down the hotmail account but I suspect she may have others, and is very secretive about her cell phone, not been visable around the house like it was 6 months or so ago. W denies anything going on via her phone, but I suspect otherwise.
Is this her MLC and do I really not investigate her phone ?
If she is having an affair she is going to be secretive about it.
"Why can't she just be honest?"
Because she is protecting people.
Herself, the OM, your children and...strangley you.
Don't be giving her a medal for it, but realize it for what it is.
Investigate your phone?
You could, but your instincts are more than enough proof right now. If you think something is wrong; it likely is.
And that is as far as you currently go with your instincts, because all the other stuff you think is instinctual will push her away.
Is it an MLC?
Check out the resources at the top of the page. And figure out if any of it clicks. No one here is an expert or a paid professional in this area. Just guys and gals who have spouses who fall into the category.
We are here to help you, advise you and keep you going on the dark days when you want to chuck everything.
Is there light at the end?
There is always light at the end. It might not be the light you currently think you want...it might be, but there is light.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Light, I asked a lot of the same stuff. Some of it matters, some not.
Is it MLC?
Only you can decide if this is close enough to an MLC to treat it that way. Imagine texting your mechanic when your car has died, he can't smell the antifreeze... Reading the resources will help decide your approach.
Is there an affair?
Again, only you know what is normal behavior and not.
Occam's Razor.
Honestly, from hindsight, an affair is a symptom, not the disease. Been around a while, and still really believe that.
"Really really," as Donkey would say.
That includes "emotional affairs." Not the problem, just a symptom of it.
Do I snoop through the phone, (or diary, or car, or purse, or gymbag, or laundry, and etc...)?
No.
Let me repeat that. No.
What do you hope to find? More proof? More things to confront her with? Oh, here's one, a solid no denial case that she slept with someone!!
Compared to where you are right now......What the F are you gonna do with any of that?
Right now, confronting her with that info is pressure, and only serves to drive her further from you in a defensive posture.
Pressure is the last thing you want to create with her.
Pressure justifies the "bad" feelings she is associating with you right now.
That just builds the next steps, "I feel like you are always telling me what to do... etc."
I'm not telling you to roll over and tap out here, this is where you set boundaries, etc.
Dude, don't snoop.
If you're looking for evidence in a fault driven divorce case to destroy her, fire away. But I don't think that's why you're here.
If you're looking for things to hold over her head while you rebuild your marriage.....
It don't work that way. So leave that snooping alone.
We're on your side. Buy the books, read them. Post a lot. Heed the replies.
Best.
Shep
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
Following day she said that over the night feelings came over her that she loved me but was not sure if she was in love with me anymore. She also felt lost and not sure of her postion anymore, no doubt due to daughter at Uni.
You can speculate what is going on in her head and the why's but you will just find frustration.......
Frustration because you are desparately trying to apply "reason" to a situation that is totally absent of "reason"....
It will tear you apart......
She will change her mind constantly, say one thing then do another.
You will see glimpses of your old wife and think....
"ahhhh, she's back!!!!" only to be hurt yet again when she does the things she does and says the things she says.
Unless you are the most patient, understanding, compassionate, resilient person that ever walked the earth, you WILL NOT be able to take the pain from the debris that will come flying at you from the tornado your W has created around herself.
Keep your distance, do not engage, let her spin......it is hard to watch the person you love so much hurt themselves but it is the only way throught this.
If this is MLC, you will be dealing with a very ugly monster. The tendency will be to sit there and stare as you watch the carnage. Reading the resource threads will help you understand what she is going through and help you chart YOUR path.
While this forum and MWD's books are about saving your marriage the most important thing you can do is.....
SAVE YOURSELF FIRST !!!!!!
Spending too much time watching the tornado rip through your life will rob you of time that you could be spending working on YOU.
This time is a gift......USE it!!!
We will sometimes challenge people who come here to put themselves in their spouses shoes and list what would be their spouse's marital complaints about them........
That is a good place to start but far too many (like myself) try to quick fix those issues and run back to the wayward spouse and say....." Look!!! I changed, come back!!!"
BIG MISTAKE, that most make.....I did.
What are some of the things you would like to change about you???
How would you make a better YOU ????
Get in shape???
Get a better job????
Be more involved with the kids???
Read a book???
Take up a hobby or sport???
Be a better listener???
Be more compassionate, more patient, more understanding???
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Get the idea?????
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Light, I think we may have laid a heavy load of "Read! Study! Learn! and then get back to us!" on you.
Can't describe it, just that we can sometimes be collectively heavy while putting the rough diamonds before you.
So, here it is in a nutshell. All the resources and links that were posted to you, are absolutely the real deal as far as MLC, divorce-busting, and just plain surviving the impending madness goes.
If you don't read and use them as context / backdrop for your situation, people will challenge you and wonder if you are serious.
That don't mean that you can't throw out what's going on and how it's hitting you while you are going through that reading pile. You absolutely should, it's cathartic and the replies will begin to build your reference plane on the situation.
Best,
Punkt
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
