Kind of lost mentally. Was here a few years ago after discovering my wife's long-term, serious adultery. Went from being a wreck to actually getting things together enough with a local marriage counselor that we were able to keep things moving forward for a while. We were getting closer, thought things were going well...then, she just started withdrawing again, and in short order we were back in the same old mess with our marriage. Things were better so I tried to engage her but it just didn't work, so I pretty much ignored her and went on autopilot in our life, as she did. Busy with work and kids' activities, it was easy. Then, of course, the same old fights returned. Very recently, I interviewed for, and was offered, a great, dream type of job a few states away. Before even applying I asked her if moving was an option for her and she said, Yes. She'd rather not but if I got a great offer, she would go. Well I got the great offer, accepted, but we got into a bad fight, I said things out of anger I didn't really mean, and she said she wasn't going with me and that she wanted a divorce. Our youngest child is still in high school and leaving him was not really an option so I called up the new job and told them I had to turn it down. The truth seems to be that she was also offered a great promotion at her job which would finally make her able to support herself the way she wants to without my income, and it seems that's been what she's been working toward all along.
I really don't believe in divorce but am having a hard time summoning the will to do any kind of LRT or anything to save this marriage. Unlike the old days, several years back when the adultery came out and all of the problems reared their ugly heads, I've already got a life that doesn't involve or include her much, haven't pursued her in months if not years, occasionally tell her when it comes up that I don't want a divorce and leave it at that. Back when I was in Piecing I remember being all excited when she finally told me she loved me again...now, I can't remember the last time either of us said that to each other. Probably a couple of years at least.
Funny thing is I'm not upset...a little numb perhaps, just kind of shrugging my shoulders and saying, Whatever, and waiting to see what she will do. I know she's seen a lawyer, but hasn't filed. For my part, I feel a little guilty that I don't care more and am just letting this happen. I don't really want it to, but I did so much for so many years to try and make things better and she never really responded at all, so I figure the ball's really in her court now and I'm just going about my business...not in denial about it, just, well, f'ing worn out!
I know the kids don't want to see us get divorced, so I feel like I should do something just for their sake. I guess if my W changed her mind and committed herself to our M I could get energized again, but at this point I'm thinking that I've done all I can by myself. She seems serious about the D so I'm expecting her to file sometime between now and Fall. Just seems like such a waste, feels like the end of the line. 16 years, just gone.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Well, W confirmed that she has seen a lawyer, but insists she's got no plans to file anytime soon. I'm skeptical but detached. It's painful to see how my S15 handles this...whenever he sees us in the den watching tv together he comes in, plunks himself down on whatever furniture is between she and I, and seems to be trying the togetherness "on for size" or something, like he wants that feeling of security from being surrounded by the people who are supposed to be providing that. It breaks my freaking heart. He was always the one who always wanted to snuggle between us when he was a baby/toddler. He always would "touch base" with us whenever he was rambling through the room and saw us sitting on the couch together...he'd have to come over and climb up...he'd sit between us or, if we were sitting close together, he'd sit on our legs where my leg was touching her leg, give each of us a hug or a kiss, then climb back down and go about his merry way It was cute.
The crazy thing is that the job/promotion that my wife is using to fund her divorce from me is with an evanglical, protestant, mainstream conservative church, in a position of Christian leadership. Crazy.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Just don't plead or beg. And see a lawyer yourself, especially before you separate. I moved out -- at her insistence -- in May 2009. I did not see an attorney until October. She didn't file until next February.
But by the time I'd seen the attorney in October, we'd settled into a routine where STBXW had my girls 60 percent of the time.
Even though I have the flexible job and wanted to have joint physical custody, my L told me it was unlikely I'd win it now because we'd set a schedule and the girls were doing fine. I'd have to prove that they weren't doing well with the schedule.
Don't agree to anything until you see a L.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Yeah, you don't have to worry about the pleading or begging. I'm also not moving out. I worked hard for my life with my family and nobody is running me out of it. She and I interact politely and that's about it, so there's no drama. My oldest kid is in college and the youngest is a soph in HS now so custody isn't really an issue.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Hey TL. sad to see you here and going through what you're going through.
I know what you mean, about feeling f'ing worn out. You tried. You tried hard and long. You can't keep beating your head against a brick wall. Sometimes, it's ok to say enough.
Your last line bothers me a bit. Those 16 years weren't lost, or for nothing. Your kids, for one thing, and your time with them, count. I bet, given time, you'll even have some good memories of your W.
It'll hurt, I bet, even if it's for the best. D will be a loss, a death of sorts, and it'll hurt. But at least it'll be an end. Maybe a new life will open up.
Onward and onward.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Hey LN, nice to see you again. Thx, and you're right...feeling a little sorry for myself there I guess
The time with the kids has been priceless...and keeping the family together back in 06 when everything was crashing and burning was definitely the right choice for me. Got to wake up under the same roof with them every morning, see the oldest out of high school and into college, and now get to spend a lot of one on one time with just the younger one, which has been very, very cool and much better than any of the alternatives would've been. So you're right...and I need to be less of a downer
So how've you been? Things still going well for you?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Why are you posting in Surviving the Big D? No one has filed or said they planned to file. You sound like a WAH who has given up, but who doesn't quite have the motivation to file. Passively letting your M fail is not what your kids deserve.
Your W hasn't filed yet. So, rather than blame her increased freedom (due to finances) for your forecasted D, look to yourself and the M itself. After all, we don't really want a spouse who stays in an M just for financial reasons anyway. Indeed, W being more free to leave the M financially can actually strengthen the M. If she stays, she will know it was more of a free choice.
The problems in your M are what have put and keep it on shaky grounds. Your current actions are doing nothing to build a stronger foundation.
I rarely suggest this, but given no one is walking out the door or filing for D, why not try Retrouvaille? It can't hurt. It is affordable. If you aren't filing for D, it makes no sense for yourself or your kids not to try to have a great M.
Well I'm posting here because, as I see it, the 'Big D' is a process that she has started, despite her verbal smokescreens.
I prob wasn't clear enough above. While she has said she has no plans to file anytime soon, she means in the next couple of weeks...however, and you'd have to know how she carefully chooses her words when discussing this stuff with me, she has said she could file as early as this Fall and has already consulted at least one attorney that I know about. She has also said that if she had enough of her own money right now she would already be gone. I have brought up a few possibilities for counseling or some other kind of work but she shoots them down, isn't open to anything at all.
I've already been down the DB road as well as the "jointly work on our marriage road". She did it just long enough to placate me, to insure I wouldn't divorce her for adultery, and to insure that I wouldn't go running around telling everyone what she did. Once everything settled down and we got back to what resembled normalcy and relative stability, she started moving in her own direction workwise and socially and has never looked back.
In short, she did her adultery thing, got scared when I was on the verge of divorcing her and throwing her out, used my love for her, my desire to make the marriage better, etc. to defuse the situation in her favor.
In this situation, there's absolutely nothing I can do to work on this marriage. I agree with you about her ability to finally be financially independent (she really always had this ability, but is very picky about her jobs and didn't want to be stuck in a job she didn't love just because it paid the bills) and what that means should she decide to engage our marriage again. If she came to me and said she wanted that, I'd still go to counseling, and work with her to have a strong marriage. Absent of that, there's not much I'm interested in doing at this point.
DB, it seems to me, is made up primarily of two components. One big part of it is simply teaching or reminding people how to be strong, independent, and "healthy" individuals...which is something we should all strive to be regardless of our relationship status anyway, and bad marriages, as well as bad personal choices we make within our marriages, slowly cause us to become much weaker individually. That is what GAL and all that is all about. The second part, it seems to me, has to do with making choices relative to your spouse's behavior (such as intentionally going dark, intentionally not pursuing or discussing certain things). Well I do that too...not because I want it to make a difference in our marriage, but because I am, for the most part, done here.
If I could have what I wanted, she'd choose to recommit herself to our marriage and we'd go down that path together. I don't think that's what's going to happen. She has looked me in the eye and said, "It's been 16 years. This has never really worked for me. It never will work for me. I feel absolutely nothing for you and have no interested in working on this marriage at all, or in staying married to you, so I am going to be the bad guy and file as soon as I can afford it, which, at the earliest, will probably be sometime this fall."
Given the above, all I'm interested in doing is to continue to live my life, be the best dad I can be in finishing raising my son through HS graduation, and wait for her to file. If she has a change of heart, I'm fine with that...it would be my preference. If not, then I know I did everything I could do.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Okay - so, what are you doing to GAL these days? And how are you going to make the most of the opportunity to spend time with your son? (Cuz even if you retain custody of him after the divorce, he'll be splitting his time between the two of you).
The best way to deal with your current situation is to focus on YOUR life. Set some goal to work towards that is fun and meaningful and will keep you from being overly focused on your sitch. (I trained to climb Mt. Whitney).
It was cute.