In my heart I know that H and I will be back together. Though at times I doubt myself and H. But I have put it in GODs hands and I know that everything will be okay. I will be okay.
H has gone back into his man cave. He poked his head out for a little while (2 weeks) now he's back in. I got sucked in. Believed every word he said about reconciling and wanting to work things out. There were very positive actions too.
But now he has reverted back to SMSing and cold/stand offish behaviour.....sigh
I have done some backslides in the last week. Did some snooping at his apartment - got busted. Spoke to MIL about confidential info - got busted. Oh well you live and learn I suppose. Ive apologised and now I have to move on. I think he is still mad but there is nothing I can do about it.
Im still having difficulty being patient. I miss H so much. I want so much to detach. But it is harder than I care to admit. I am not a tap. I cannot turn my feelings off just like that. I loved this man for over a third of my life. We have a child together. Weve been through so many ups and downs. Failures and successes. To walk away is just unthinkable.
I am trying hard to GAL. Hitting the gym. Playing with S3. Going out with friends every weekend when I dont have S3. I get hit on by a tonne of guys. But I find myself comparing. And well, no one can compare really. Yes there are attractive men out there. But how do you allow yourself to be or feel something for someone else when you are still in love with your H? Obviously Im not ready. But perhaps its what I need???
I know in my heart that my H loves me. I know that he will always love me. I see the look in his eyes. I feel the love in his heart.
I pray that GOD gives him the strenght to overcome this "crisis". And soon
Is that too much to ask?
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
But how do you allow yourself to be or feel something for someone else when you are still in love with your H? Obviously Im not ready. But perhaps its what I need???
I know in my heart that my H loves me. I know that he will always love me. I see the look in his eyes. I feel the love in his heart.
I pray that GOD gives him the strenght to overcome this "crisis". And soon
Is that too much to ask?
Red,
I do still love my H and I always will. I firmly believe God brought us together and will restore and heal our marriage. The day I met my H God told me he would be my H. The exact words went through my mind as he was being introduced to me was "This is your husband" and I know that was God talking to me. I know it sounds crazy, but it happened and for days I wondered about why I heard it. Then I just trusted God, and I am doing the same thing now. Just trusting Him and His goodness. Though my H is really deep in the tunnel, I know God is working on him. Someone pointed out to me, that even though he may only be thinking of himself. When he came up and talked about the demo derby, he did seek me out to discuss it and that is a positive!
I do like getting the attention from other men, but I also shut them down right away. Even those who know that we are exasperated and think it is okay. I just tell them, it is not fair to them to start something with them as I still love my H. That usually will shut them down.
Red, don't beat yourself up. I have to work on that daily as H has said some terrible things about me which are all untrue, but it still hurts. I know that he is not in his right mind. I do not want my H back right now, the state he is in is only a shell of the man he once was and will be one day. He is not living an authentic life and I see that clearly. My H has always been a humble and moral man until MLC set in and one day those qualities will once again rise above the MLC and he will be and live the authentic life God created for him. The OW think they have won a prize, but really they haven't, they only have the shell of the men we love, not the authentic persons we know. I know I am the love of my H life, even if he doesn't want to admit that right now, one day he will remember that too. It may be years from now. I am just learning to live my life like he will never come back. It helps to live my life, a life that God has given me to enjoy.
You are a strong person Red, we all backslide! Just pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and keep on moving. We have all heard the saying, if your going through hell keep on moving eventually you will depart the dreadful place!!
Many Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Wow, I just have to say I have been on my own rollercoaster the past several weeks getting a life, and my grandmother passing has brought me to this past week exhausted and raw. This weekend, my GAL was just resting, regaining my own strength and spending time with my D16 when she was not working. Today I am in a much better place.
On Tuesday of this week my FIL celebrated his 70th birthday. My D16 wanted to continue with the traditional ice cream celebration we have always had for my in-laws, so I contacted MIL and she was fine with it and even planned a meal to go along with it. Because I my H is so far in the tunnel I decided to extend an invitation to him to come as well. I really did not expect he would come, even though it is his own father, but H showed, and I was glad for him to spend some time with our D. It was a pleasant enough experience and I believe my FIL had a great time. As far as H was concerned I only looked at him as a family member and nothing more. I did not go out of my way to do or say too much too him, but stayed in the moment of the conversations. We even sat next to each other as we ate and he cut the cake as I served it. I felt very ambivalent toward H and next day I really started to question my own feelings for him. Why would I want this man back?? Then I think all the holding myself up and guarding myself from hurt came crashing down, and I cried, for several days I cried. I started the whole self-defeating thought processes, why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't D good enough? Why weren't we important enough to want to work on our marriage? Our family? UGH! Just typing this pisses me off.
But, I realized that I have had a lot going on with my life and this week the unemployment ran out, I have a car in the shop, and I was just plain feeling sorry for myself. So yesterday and today I have been regaining my strength and my position. I am looking at my blessings and thank God for them. Even this pain, confusion and rejection I feel is a blessing as it continues to teach me about the person I am and who I want to be. It is a blessing that through all of this I am becoming closer to the Lord and my D. I am remembering that I can take care of myself with or without a man and who the heck wants a whiny crybaby anyway? Not me!! I am not that person. I am a good whole person who is kind, caring, happy (most of the time), adventurous and quite crafty (though I haven't found too much time for that lately). I have faith in a God who keeps his promises and I most thankful for that. I am asking all to pray for me as I have applied for another position that I would really love to get if it is God's will. Pray for me to stay focused on Him.
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I am and have been in a good place the past several days. As you all are doing I am thinking and trying to focus on my own journey. I rarely see or speak to H so it really does help with detachment and working on myself. I know that I am a stander for life. I have been reading "Broken Heart on Hold" by Linda Rooks and really recommend this to any newbies out there. It has really helped me work on me. One thing I have come to realize, is that I believe I was in an MLC and 'woke-up" when I found out about my H's A. I also believe that I too was headed down that road and very well could have found myself in an A. No, there was not a man who I was looking to at the time I found out about H's A, but just working through my journey I realized I too was unhappy in our marriage, not to the extent that H obviously was, but we were just coasting and I was starting to focus on the H's negative behaviors and my own unhappiness in my job. I am being honest with myself, had I stayed on that road, I too could have found myself either in a Ea or PA. I am not sure. But realizing this brought such humility to me and a determination to continue on working on myself. I am happy with the person I am becoming and focusing on who I am and who God wants me to be has brought me a lot of peace.
Thundarr, you asked how I could do this, and let me tell you, it is one day at a time. Every night before I fall asleep I tell myself that tomorrow is going to be a better day, and when I wake up I tell myself, today is going to be a good day. As a child of sexual abuse, 10 years, of not having a childhood, I have to remember that during those days, I truly relied on God and my positive attitude. I learned at a very young age, going down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts really takes you on a different journey and I did not like it. Stay positive!
On another note, I am discouraged with my in-laws as they have now seemed to embrace OW and also abandoned their granddaughter. It is sad to see and to be honest hurts. I have always been very close to them, and now they too seem to easily replace me with another as H has.
I am not sure where I go from here. In reading Rooks, book she discusses a scene from the movie the "Horse Whisperer" where the HW takes the horse out to a field and let it run around and once the horse stops, it keeps looking over at the HW as if to say, "what are you going to do now?' The HW just stands back and watches, and eventually the horse does go over to him, though it takes awhile before this happens, but during that whole time the HW stands still and the horse keeps looking back at him until he finally goes to him. This is really where I am, as I do not have the interactions, or the Monster that so many talk about. I just have to stand still and that is how I am showing H that I am safe and it is okay to approach me when H is ready. It is hard, as several times this week I have wanted to just touch base with him to see how he is doing with some of the projects he has talked to me about in our brief conversations.
Another odd thing from this week, I don't remember who, but I read a thread where someone talked about reading in the Bible about Peter walking on water, and how we have to keep our sight on Jesus and not the water. Funny thing is, I saw that story at least 2x after I read that, one of them being the Gospel today at Church. I am focusing on keeping my eyes on Jesus and not the circumstances (water) that I see in this journey.
Blessings to all!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Just wanted to update, though not too much happening on the H issue, but I GOT A JOB TODAY!!! I have been unemployed for a year, one week post BD. I am so stinking excited. Though I do not start the job until Nov. 14th, which is when the next training starts, this is a turning point for me. I will be a case manager for the Department of Children Services which is great because I have the education for this and it is the job I wanted. Though I have applied and interviewed for jobs I thought I would like, this is the one for me! The pay is only a few hundred dollars less then my last job.
Now for my H, not much going on there, I thought he was reconnecting with D17, but no such luck. We don't see or hear from him often, he seems to think attending D17's competition is good quality time with his D17. I did have to go talk to him today because my new job training is out of town and I asked that he come stay with D17 Sunday through Thursday nights for 9 weeks so she will not be alone. He said he would, of course I am not going to be here so that is okay. Though when I told him I found a job he was genuinely happy for me, then there was a moment of fear and he asked, "where?" I said here. He knew I have been looking out of town and even out of state for a job and I think it scared him for a minute to think I would be leaving. LOL! But after that he asked me all kinds of questions, which he never asks anything about me.
Now, that being said, he could just be so happy, because when he brought up divorce back in April, he said he was going to file after I found a job, so we will see.
Me, I am doing great. I have completely redone my kitchen, and using Goodwill and garage sale finds to decorate. Most of them I am having to re-paint to match my colors, but I love being crafty. I have fewer down days, and really they are down moments. I have found so many blessings through this journey. I have a much better relationship with my daughter than I ever thought possible, because she was daddy's little princess. She and I have so much fun together and at 17 we have few disagreements. She is a little concerned about being with her father while I am off to training. But she said she will keep reminding herself, he is just not her real dad. We had a good laugh with that, but it is sad.
I do read here daily and I post when I can. Not having access to the computer too much it is hard to type on the phone. Know that I am praying for you all!
Hugs and Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
