My husband came home May 15th for R&R and told me two days later (May 17th) that he can't loved me and he needs to be happy. He is now back overseas.
Hubby is 36 yrs old and I am 43 yrs old. Hubby was never married, and I was previously married with 2 older kids. Hubby and I have two beautiful daughters. a 3 yr old and a 21 month old.
I am here because I really love my husband and I don't want our little girls to be growing up without their father. The idea of them being shuffled from one house to another is just too much for me to think right now..Also I am scared about being alone raising these two kids on my own...I did it with my older ones (18 and 16 yrs old now)...it was really hard - working two jobs and raising them because the ex didn't give child support (not american and not in this country and just plain heartless).
More background about us. We are married for 3 yrs - together for almost 5 years. I am Asian so my hubby and I have a lot of cultural differences. He is caucasian. Also at the beginning of the relationship I lied to him about my age. It was wrong of me. God knows he made me pay for that lie almost througout our marriage. And also I didn't tell him about how much I owed with my credit card debts. I paid some of it but there were some left that he paid off. When he found out about the age thing. We almost broke up. But I was already 5 months pregnant with our 3 yr old and we said let's start afresh. We got married in June 2008 (we started dating late 2006). We were happy I thought. I mean, he would still get mad at me and rehash the age thing and the credit card bills (it was mainly for medical expenses of my father) once in a while. A lot of our fights are because of the two older kids. My kids are city kids (Los Angeles) and I quit a good job and moved here (a podunk town - trust me it is really in the middle of nowhere - the only thing here is Walmart - sorry I digressed). So anyway I relocated here (uprooting my two older kids to everything that was dear and familiar to them from LA to here). It was very hard adjustment but I thought we were fine. There were happy moments.. and the fights were'nt so severe or frequent.
Until he deployed last year (november)... we were rocking it the first few months. He was calling everyday almost and skyping and sappy emails. Then bam.. March 14th we had a fight while on skype about me going back to work when we moved to our new location. I said I would rather wait until our youngest daughter is 3 yrs old where she can go to Pre-K and don't have to be in daycare the wholeday.
He then became emotionally cold and detached. No Ilove yous or I miss yous.. and just impersonal emails. Everytime we had our skype sessions (he stopped calling me on the phone) just skype so he can see the babies - he would just start to pick fights and catalog my faults. And keep on saying he doesn't know what he wants and that he thinks our marriage is unfixable. Then sometimes he would say..this is just the stress of deployment and I will talk to you about it when I get home for R&R. So fast forward from March to May.
He told me "I had a lot of time to think there of what happened and what will happen in our marriage. I deserved to be happy and I now realized why I get easily mad at your kids and at you these last 3 years. I never really did recover from your lying about your age and I should have left you right there and then. I should not have married you. I just can't recaptured that love I felt for you before I discovered the lie. It's not my fault I don't love you. I don't know what I want because it's complicated.. I love my girls. I won;t make any decision until the deployment is over and I won't abandon you because I know you have nowhere to go. You did give up a lot to come here. I think we should go to counselling but no promises. I am not a clairvoyant to tell you what's going to happen. You should probably still move to my next PCS or you can go anywhere you want".
It was a very tense two weeks... a roller-coaster. Because eventhough he was really cold two months before coming home for R&R I was still hoping that we will be ok when he's finally home. Where we can talk in person. He also visited his parents for 4 days while he was here in the East Coast and we are here in the South. I think whatever is it that he talked with his parents about us helped convinced him more that he is done with this marriage because when he came back from visiting them.. he said a completely different thing. He is now saying. Counselling is bs and will not help. And that I shouldn't move to the new location. We are currently selling this house that we lived in (we didn't live on base). Just make sure you sell the house and then we take it from there..
I know I am too much to blame because of the lying. I dont even understand why I lied in the first place. I was very insecured but that wasnt an excuse. It was wrong. As for the credit card debts - I told him that I have credit card debts and that I paid most of it. I didnt tell him how much is it because I thought I could pay it all of. Again bad judgement and I just have really trust issues.
Please no judgement.I made all these mistakes. But I am a good mother and a good person. I tried so hard to please this man. And if I could undo the lying I would. Obviously it is too late now. I just need support from those that are hurting like me.
I want to know if there is hope at all for us. He is very very detached and cold. He kissed and hugged me goodbye at the airport. We had a lot of talks before he went to see his parents but the last week he was home (this was after he visited his parents) he stopped the talks about us too.. Just told me he wanted to be friends. And he said that I am a wonderful mother to his two babies.
Sorry this is long and probably all over the place. I am so emotionally down right now.I had been trying to keep it together for so long now.
Sawi, so sorry that you find yourself here. Yes, you lied to your H. However, is this something you need to be punished for the rest of your life? My guess is no, but that's something that he will have to either figure out or not.
In the meantime, are you seeing an IC? I think it would be helpful for yourself. Have you read the DB book? That would also help you help yourself.
Keep posting. It's slow at first, but once you get to a certain point, your posts appear automagically. Keep your head up!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Thanks Learning Patience. I made an appointment to start seeing an IC. First appt will be this coming Monday. I also ordered the DB book.
I am trying my best - I have kids I have to think about. Some days are harder but some are bearable. Thank God for my wonderful kids - I don't have much free time to mope and cry.
He is back there now.. he skypes everyday and email - just impersonal emails. He is loving to our babies and cordial to me during our skype sessions. I don't initiate emails - I only answer emails if its necessary.. Like yesterday he asked me to scan his orders to the new location (I don't know why he needed it I didnt ask). I have a feeling he probably will try to have it amended - because currently his orders include his dependents to move to the new location when he comes back from deployment.
I know he needed support and all while he is deployed so how is that going to affect my DBing? Sometimes I just feel like I better just let it go..obviously he doesn't want to be with me and I should just probably let him be. Right now I am in a Prepare for the worst and hope for the best mode.
I brushed up my cv. Called my headhunter to start shopping it. I gave up a good career when I married him. Putting everything in me to be a good wife/mother and supporting our army life. It's a scary thought to be out there at 43 with 4 kids (but the two teenagers are both going to college - both have full scholarships) I know I will be ok. Heartbroken yes but my two babies and I will be ok eventually. BUT I just don't want this divorced life for my girls. I was lucky my two older kids and I survived it the first time but I was young, beautiful, a go-getter and you know when you're young you feel your invincible and can do anything. I am educated (grad degree and all - speaks 8 languages) resilient and hardworking. Despite all these things, this hit me so bad and I just have no self-confidence or self esteem - nada!. I am also terrified of the thought of going out there on my own with two small children at my age.
I am so confused as to what to do. One minute I like to fight for my marriage then in the next minute I feel like its futile. I can't make him love me. No one can. One thing for sure though I have to snap out of this soon. I want to show my kids that I can stand tall and meet life's roadblocks head on and do the best that I can with dignity and self respect.. God it's so easier said than done though.
My oldest daughter wrote me a letter today. I want to share. Dearest Mom, Put a smile on! Your face is far too beautiful to taint with that frown. Look at yourself so broken so weak. Whatever happen to the strong and independent woman I knew and looked up to? Whenever someone asked me who my hero was, I would always say my Mommy, because you were the strongest person I know. So you need to pick yourself up again. Be strong. You are beautiful, kind-hearted and intelligent. You don't require validation from others. I love you Mom. You need to love yourself. You're going to be fine. Love, D17
The last few years, I kinda feel I lost my sense of identity. My life was pretty much kids and husband. Now he wants to break the life that I know and I am just so powerless. I feel like my whole world is crashing around me and I am so powerless to stop it. Everyday seems to be a struggle.... I feel often times I have been backed into a corner and I am fighting like hell to get out. The confusion I feel is completely unbearable some days. Nights are worse. I lay there in bed just staring at the ceiling looking over at the pillow next to me and wondering if I will ever see my husbands face there again. It seems the harder I fight the more he pulls away. Deep down I feel there is something bigger here something within him that is tearing him up inside and really what kind of wife would I be if I just abandoned my husband but at the same time I also have my pride and self-respect - this man is repeatedly telling me he doesn't love me and it's not his fault that he can't love me...but I believe in marriage. I know what it stands for and I know what we are capable of together and that is what gets me through my days. I am so torn.
Me 43 / H 36 M 3 / T5 S18/ D17 with 1st H D3 D1 Emotionally detached March 2011 I dont love you May 17 2011 Husband is deployed
If he went from friendly to cold overnight, then I would think there was something "outside" of the M having a strong influence on his decision.
Another thought would be that you tried too hard to please him after he discovered your true age and you became somewhat like a doormat to him. If you allowed him to use that issue through the years to hit you over the head. Look at what your daughter said.
Quote:
Look at yourself so broken so weak. Whatever happen to the strong and independent woman I knew and looked up to?
Is it really your age or was it really the lie that shook him? It sounds more like he is not confident enough to handle an older woman. Maybe that's why he picks the fights?
If you are trying to save the M b/c you are afraid of being alone with two children....I don't know if you will find what you want from him. Fear causes people to act clingly and needy. Maybe that is what he has seen in you. I bet it was that lovely, strong, indpendent woman he fell in love with. The woman your daughter looked up to. Whatever you decide, I hope you find the woman you use to be.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It the lie Sandy that shook him hard. He is also immature and always been moody. I am not even sure what I want anymore. For now I decided I will just wait it out until he comes back from deployment.
I will use this time to take care of ME.. my issues. Hopefully IC will be able to help. I am also beginning to GAL. All these years, I neglected ME and you're right I became needy and clingy.
The last two days has been good days. My sister came to keep me company. It's so wonderful to have her around. My sister booked and paid a month trip for me and all my kids to China and the Philippines (I am half chinese-half filipino). My older kids are going to college and I thought it would be nice for all of us to spend some time there. Something to be excited about.
Baby steps Sandi but I am going to find/summon that woman that I used to be.
My sister came to keep me company. It's so wonderful to have her around. My sister booked and paid a month trip for me and all my kids to China and the Philippines
Wow! How blessed you are to have a sister that would love you so much to do that!
Quote:
Baby steps Sandi but I am going to find/summon that woman that I used to be.
You know what? I think you have already started by just making that statement! I have no doubt that what your daughter says about you is true. You will find the woman you once were, and you will be happy with or without H in your life. First, find happiness with yourself.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just journaling now. H has been skyping everyday since he went back overseas (Thu, Fri & Sat). I had been calm, collected and detach during these sessions and always been the one to say goodbye. He calls me wifey on his chatty emails and he was friendly.
Yesterday's email he asked me what did I do with the kids and I told him what we did - we went to a friends house because my sister is here and that the kids had too much fun playing. Then this morning I got this email which basically just said. "Thank you for telling me how wonderful your day was yesterday and for rubbing it in while I am being shot/mortared here". He didn't skype today too..WTH. He was asking how our day was and what did we do. I really don't know what to say to him.. If I become monosyllabic and detached he doesn't like it - if I am just calm and normal - he doesn't like it. Maybe I will start being cheerful (which is going to be hard but I will probably try).
It's hard to DB with him so far away. I want to stop emailing/skyping but he's out there fighting the war and our kids are still too young to sit still in front of the computer so I need to be there when he skypes with the babies.
I just realized I didn't cry even once today and the hole in my heart doesn't feel so deep. My sister is staying for few more days, my kids are wonderful and I am starting to plan what I want to do. I hope tomorrow is another good day.
Me 43 / H 36 M 3 / T5 S18/ D17 with 1st H D3 D1 H Emotionally detached March 2011 I dont love you May 17 2011 Husband is deployed
You did very well. Don't respond to that negative email. He started the problems and now he wants to see you crying over him and begging not to leave you. As you said, he's immature.
If he asks why you didn't respond, tell him you won't reply when there is a no-win answer. Whatever you would say, he would find something wrong with it.
It is steps such as this that might help get him to open his eyes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No email this morning again and I bet he won't skype because that's just how he is when he's mad. I worry sometimes that he's so vulnerable there and he can start EA (he has his own internet in his room) anytime just to fill the void. It is tough out there.
I like to think he MIGHT open his eyes Sandi but remembering how he acted towards me when he was home (after not being with us for 6 months) the coldness, the determination and resoluteness about not loving me and not being able to and just concentrating on all negative aspect of our marriage. It would take an act from God to change that man's mind. He is one of the most stubborn man I know.
Have a good week and thank you for posting here. It is great to come here and see your post.
Me 43 / H 36 M 3 / T5 S18/ D17 with 1st H D3 D1 H Emotionally detached March 2011 I dont love you May 17 2011 Husband is deployed
