Sparks, sorry, lost you when you switched to 5. Hope the anniv went ok. My 8th was 3 weeks after I found out about affair. I got him a gift and he silently tried to ignore the day, playing video games. ugh
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
The past two anniversaries I've had, H and I have been separated literally by 1300 miles...lol! The first year, I thanked him for marrying me, because it brought DD into my life...and last year, simply texted him saying "Happy Thank-youversary". Next anniversary is coming up in Ausgust, and though DD and I have now moved to where he lives, we're not any closer to getting back together, so it'll prolly be another like last year.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
1) to send a card saying something like "It's still worth remembering"...esp if there are kids;
2) OR, a trip....After getting flowers with a generic card from h for our 24th, and HIM living in another state...I made serious plans for our 25th...
as in, I took the kids to Italy and it was the best borrowed/begged money I ever spent.
And btw, it bugged the he!! out of h, but I didn't know that til later...and I didn't care either.
Evidently it was hard for h to reach us there, and frankly I don't recall ever talking to him while we were there.
The place was beautiful and interesting and so stimulating, and it had zero memories of h obviously, very fascinating, and it was the least I had thought of him for months...the memories themselves are ones I still treasure.
Expensive, yes but so worth it. The kids were happy to do something "as a family" and to realize yes, we can have fun. No tears the whole time. TRuly a good trip.
Any smaller trip, of a NEW place you've had on your bucket list ought to be considered for an anniversary that is really painful...
plan ahead for a FUN thing to do. My kids were great.
This summer, in 6 weeks, H and I and d13 (and his Godparents, whom I love) are going on a Medittarean cruise around Italy and Croatia and Greece...
That's such a surprise when I look back on the trip I took "alone" with my kids... so you never know
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey guys. Sorry that I have been MIA. I have been pretty lost and beaten down lately. I promise that I will try and catch myself up with the situations of the others. I really do care about ya'll. I am just in a mental rut and have been avoiding spending time reading up on divorce busting. Has that happened to anybody else? When times are really rough, I know that I should be encompassing myself with those in a similar situation that really care. It is like I know what I should be doing, but my energy level is just drained. I have been talking about a recharge for the last several weeks, but I need to make myself do it.
It has been tough lately. No progress. W is very short and cold when we do interact. I have completely back slid away from my emotional detachment which is making my ability to deflect her behavior very difficult. I miss my W more than ever and often wonder how she could be acting the way that she is acting. How can she do the unimaginable and then towards the blame and anger towards the person she destroyed the most?
We had our first couples therapy session in a couple weeks (cancelled last week). We spent the entire session diving deep into our current feelings.
W is not any closer to finding herself than when we separated. She said that it has been impossible to even try. She said that having a baby to care for and no money really prevents her from making the needed steps to explore sexual identity. The only time that she makes progress is once a week with her own therapist. She is not sure how to self discover or how long it will take. I told her that I have remained patient and will do everything I can to do so.
I expressed how the anger and her cold attitude was effecting me. I have been trying to stay positive and friendly, but my W has told me in the past that she finds it fake. I told my W that my behaviors towards her are nothing but genuine. She said that my friendly nature makes her uncomfortable, because we are not friends right now. She moved out, and we are separated. She feels that by her being friendly would give me some kind of false hope. We have to see each other everyday due to our custody with our S, but she wants to keep the exchange impersonal. She said that when I ask personal questions about her or ask if she wants to stick around for a bit for the baby's bedtime routine, it makes her uncomfortable. She said that it has gotten to a point that she wants to get in and out to avoid any questions.
I know what I need to do. I need to completely back off and not be as friendly. Therapist even talked about completely backing off in order to rebuild. I have never felt as though I should go dark until today.
I told my W how mentally draining it was to be treated like this from her on a daily basis. It hurts down to the core to be treated so poorly by the one person you love the most. The person that has not only been your W but also your best friend.
We talked about how we have different representations about the past. I told her how we were once in love. My had a deep bond. She only remembers that problems that we had. She said that she never knew how to bring up her unhappiness. I got the gem tonight that she never wanted to marry me. That she felt pressured as it was the thing that she felt was supposed to happen. She said that she had reservations the whole time but did not bring them up, because she didn't know how. I asked her about all of the letters that we used to write to each other. All of the cards. She said that it was all an act for her. She is now not sure if she was ever in love with me. She did not know what she was supposed to feel but knew at the time that what she was feeling was not right. It wasn't until she with a woman that she really felt love on a whole new level.
I know the WAW is infamous for rewriting history but my god. This stuff is beating me up inside right now. Who is this person?
I have so many mixed emotions right now. Do I stay in there and keep DBing while staying patient? Do I change my DB strategy completely and go dark and cold? Do I throw in the towel and file for the D? I am going insane. I love my W so much and remember her in a very different way. I also look at my baby boy and fear that he will never know what it is like to have his parents together. I see my baby boy and fear that I will live the rest of my life only being a part of his. I feel so much self pity and helplessness right now that it is almost embarrassing. There has got be a better way.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I don't know seems to me like she's gotten used to the sitch. Its a form of denial, don't want to admit they are wrong, so they drag out the Misery. I think you should go dark. Let her know that you don't like how things have deteriorated, and how you want to fix things, but you don't have to accept her behavior. As for the whole sexuality thing mine still clings to being bi with a death grip. It's the whole identity issue. She is struggling with picking a label for herself. In a way it's a very cheap cop out. Like mine your W knows that life without you would not be as pleasant, and guess what she resents YOU for it too.
She feels helpless and trapped, does not want to accept life without you, but is still too angry to accept life with you. Make her believe she is getting closer to losing you, it might be the last push she needs.
I reread my post, and I hate that I am so down right now. If anybody has some ideas on how to regain control and refocus, I would love to hear them.
On a second note, it is me and the W's 33rd birthday. Yep. We were born on the same day. 18 hours apart and one county apart. It has always been a topic of conversation and made birthday plans extra fun, as we got to celebrate together. This year it is surreal. Kind of like the anniversary. She came this morning to pickup our S and gave me a card and a bag of m&ms. The card had a note that said "I know things are tough- but I hope that you have a happy birthday. Do something fun. Enjoy your day!!" I thought it was very nice of her to do that. I didn't do anything for her this time around.
Her parents are in town, so she will be spending time with them and our S today. When I get off work, I am meeting a couple good friends to grab dinner, a few beers, and watch the Mavs game. Should be fun. I have been getting the Facebook birthday love today, so that is always a nice feeling. It is nice when so many of your random friends all drop you notes wishing you the best. I have to keep my spirits high today and enjoy MY day.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Hey Sparks, sorry I haven't been by to comment lately.
I agree with GB, she's torn and confused. It would be hard to go completely dark with a small child, but minimizing interactions might help. It also helps you regain some focus on yourself.
Oh, Happy Birthday! Make the best of your day!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
from the WAS's perspective we are always the fiend. they will concoct stories of our monstrosities, and tell them to who-ever will listen and believe them. its common practice.
and you know its lies, so dont let it bother you.
and from the LBS's perspective everything was rosy, and birds sang as we walked by hand in hand, and life was like a condom commercial.
and you know thats not the full truth either, but dont let that bother you.
you're going to be down, that the way it is. and its going to last a long time. and its going to feel like forever.
but one day it will be better. but its up to you to make it so. GAL the cr*p out of it.
go dark, very dark. this doesnt imply you need to get nasty, or mean, or short, but treat her without any expectations.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Sparks Happy birthday. What she did was nice, don't read too much into it. You didn't have something for her. Guess you are going dark already too. I would recommend a gradual going dark. I know since the separation you have stepped it up and taken steps to fix yourself. Keep being a good man, but let her know that her grip on you is slipping. She'll be furious, expect to hear about it in counseling. Then tell her you have emotional needs that have gone unfulfilled, and that you don't want to stay with someone that will treat you as a stranger. She will rage, and probably make a scene, and threaten you with D. At this point just remember, this is not what I want but I don't want to live sad anymore. I know neither of us is happy, so I'll understand if you decide to leave.
I know separations can last forever but she is not challenging herself to either leave you or stay with you. She's unhappy but her excuses tell me that she is too scared of the unknown. So instead she's got you and her in this holding pattern of misery, because she's too scared to take a chance without you, and too angry and stubborn to come back. Avoidance at it's finest.
