Quick recap.....M for 23 years T for 25 years...five girls....She was a stay at home home and I worked my tail off so she could homeschool..15 years ago I had a short lived A....I swore I would take it to my grave...Our M was ok but not great. 6 years ago she found out. I packed up and bought her a house in the country and moved her trying to make it work....15 months ago she came to me and told me she wanted a D. After some snooping I found out that she was having an EA with a military man 13 years younger than her....Alot of crap has happened over the last 15 months....She has not waivered a bit on the D...Here is my problem...I give her a pretty good chunk of cash each month for the girls and her...She works a job and her hours fluxuate some. She informed me that her man has to go back across the water to Iraq. Now I am all for the supporting our troops. But here is where I am having a bad time. She took a leave of absence to be with him until he leaves. She told me that I was to support her and the girls because she will not get a check for two more weeks. I am freaking mad that she did this. She wanted to spend time with him and use more than the money I give her becasue of the leave of absence. No from what I gather on here there is a thin line between my girls and her. I know that she will not have any money for food or gas. Do I draw the line and tell her to figure it out or do I just give her more money. Its not like I have it in buckets. Second thing is that she was crying that he was going to a bad area. I have been in law enforcment for 27 years and put a weapon on every night and not one tear was ever shed for me and this hurts me. Is this part of the MLC or WAS syndrome. We go days without speaking and only a few texts. It was her birthday today and she told me never to metion her age again or how young her B is.. So ask any questions and I will try to answe. I can't figure how to link my old thread to this one....There is a whole lot more to say about what has transpired over the last year. She did bring up the D the other day and I took a line right off of here. I said W i do not want a D but I can't stop you from getting one. I will not assist you in anyway shape or form. She just hung up on me. Someone on here read somewhere that if she still gets upset than she is not yet done...I do want to save this M and become a stronger married couple once again, or even better than before. Any help would be great. Scott
OK, I went back and read ALL of your old posts, and the advice that you were given originally. It seems to me that you were given SPOT-ON advice from Sandi, Coach, Bond and several others, and you were too weak to follow it.
I suggest that you go back and re-read those old posts to you, and do some soul-searching. There's no reason to ask for a NEW roadmap, when one has already been provided.
Scot, sorry you are here but this is a good place to be; but I see you have 40 posts already and registered back in 10/2010 so you probably already knew that.
Certainly sounds like a MLC to me; according to your stats she is looking at 50 (as is my W); her moods and behaviors are all over the grid (as are my W's)and regardless of what you have done or said to take the high road in your marriage, you are the scum of the earth (ditto here).
Nothing you can do about her R with the OM; she is the center of her own universe right now. Patience and detachment are what most folks here will tell you, but I'll throw in my own $.02: she needs to figure out her own financial woes. IMHO, it's one thing if a spouse walks due to a MLC or some other reason; it's quite another if an OP is involved. This might be the point where "tough love" needs to be enforced.
Of course, you need to decide where that line is drawn and how it will affect your Ds. How far away from you do they all live? How much time do you spend with your Ds?
Keep posting and stay cool, calm and collected.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I also agree that you should not have to support her while she takes this leave, she made the choice to do it and didn't think about how it could affect the kids. I would give her the same amount you usually give her, and let her figure out the rest.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
the good news is that OM will be gone (as a veteran I say that with the proviso that I don't want anything bad to happen to him).
She'll be alone then. That's something most people in your situation don't get.
So make sure you keep the road home, paved and smooth. It'll be hard enough on her to come back as it is, b/c she's crossed some lines pretty publicly.
I have not read the other thread but keep in mind, she found out about your A...don't skim that too much or forget that. IOW, she's doing just what you did, only she got caught while it was going on, and you didn't. So try to lose the anger, at least in front of her. Otherwise you'll be justifying the reasons she had for leaving, (b/c trust me, she has spent a LOT of time justifying it so she can avoid guilt). Don't fuel any of her negatives, in fact, contrast those with positives from you. Make sense? You want her negative "data", to be undermined or to change as she realizes that you have changed.
Bottom line, she has to believe the m to you in the future, would be different from what it was. Otherwise, why go back?
She also has to believe you'd forgive her (& she has to forgive you as well).
So if your anger is there all the time or if she fears you'll throw the A in her face later, or remain angry at her, why should she bother trying? Similarly, if you seem punitive (like "teaching her a lesson" or "showing her the consequences of her actions!" with the money, it will backfire).
My DB coach once said to me, "It's not our job to 'teach our spouses lessons', Life does that for them."
I know this is hard. Believe me. But this is the advice I got from my DB coach and as I finally learned to implement it, I got some good results. It's a process.
How did YOU get through or end the A you had? How long did it take?
What about hiring a DB coach for some specific advice? They're super helpful.
And as for money, I have mixed feelings. We don't want her to cake eat, but My main concern is that the girls are alright...what are your 180s? How are the girls handling all this?
Keep posting b/c you are in the right place. I'll try to track down your thread somewhere... Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I will try to answer as best I can...TM they live about 1 hour from me...OM was living on a boat during the week and staying with them on the weekends. I don't see the girls as often as I like but I do speak to them all the time. When they lived up in the same city. I would see them all the time....until my W brought the OM to our house....Then I would just pick them up and go out somewhere. I have read DR but I have failed real bad when this sitch started. As of late I have been doing very well. I limit all the contact through texts..Very little one on one. When we did have contact I always brought up the R. AT first when she moved and asked for extra money I would be the nice guy and give it. I read the 5LL and found that her primary LL was Acts of Kindness. So I did do a few that really surprised her. My real question is if she is still very emotional when we speak does that mean she is dealing with her own guilt of what she has done. I feel based on my therapy sessions with my C, that I have had alot of growing up to do. I know where my short comings are...Actually my W has acknowledged some of my changes...but still maintains its to late. I have been GAL. After all the has happened I have made great strides to be a better man...in fact everyone around me has told me so.....I could go into detail...but let's just say that I would be a great husband and full partner to my W if a second chance was aloud.
25 as for my affair, it was short lived but typical...while during the 90's my W stayed pregnant. This OW paid some attention to me and one thing led to another.....of course at the time I did not know it started as and EA and then to PA....It only lasted about three months....and I knew I did not want the OW and ended it....AT that point I was going to take it to the grave as she was....But it got brought back up about 7 years later....if you need some details I will give them to you. As for my D's for some reason they are one there mother's side....but my 17 year old calls me all the time....I can't remember the name of my old thread .....but of course if I listened to people like Sandi and stopped having relapses I might be in a better spot now....All I know is that I know of my changes and they are good. I realize that after the D I will be ok. I know that if we got a second chance at love...things would take time. I want everyone on here that I have been reading posts for over a year.....so I will listen without fail....Scott
