Hey all. I'm not sure who is still around from when I was on here a few years ago but it would be nice to have someone who remembers me and my situation to talk to. I had gotten over my divorce (been 2 years now) and moved on. Found a great guy and guess what I did...messed that up too. I had been dating a guy that I had known since we were about 4 or 5 years old. He lived a couple houses down from me growing up. We had a great 2 years of being together but seems the last few months have been problamatic. I really like this guy and even though I am not married to him, I want to try the DB techniques and hopefully they will work. I feel more confident with using them with him than I did with my ex husband because this guy has expressed that he still cares for me. He said we need to be apart due to us not ageeing on things lately and that we were jepoardizing our friendship with all the negativity. I want to believe everything is ok and stay positive but after what I went thru with my ex I don't know if I can handle going thru this again. We broke up yesterday. He did send me a text this morning saying to "try and have a good day" and he put a smiley face behind it. I'm taking that as a positive sign but still am having trouble with not being upset. I know I have to step back and not text or call him and that is where I have the problemm...I don't have patience.
I had a friend on here before that helped me a lot but I ended up pushing him away too. So if Trapt is on here somewhere, I hope he has it in his heart to contact me. I think some of you have changed your names since I had been on here so anyone else that remembers me, please let me know.
T2SP, I do recall your name, but not your old sitch.
I am sorry to find you back here. But I am too.
After peicing with my H for 3 years he has left me again and is now filing for a D.
I am giving up on the DBing and just looking for support in the process of D that I am facing.
I would be happy to check in on ya from time to time. Sounds like you should apply the Dbing to your new rel. if that is what you think would be good for YOU.
How long after your D, did you and this new guyfriend start dating??? I find that many here have said, if you jumped into a new rel. too soon - it may often be doomed (as we all need ample time to heal). Not sure if that is your case or not???
Hi T2SP You said that you messed up. How did you mess up? But what this tells me is that perhaps you were not ready for a new r. Did you work on yourself first before getting into a new r. Did you understand your part in your m breaking down. Do you know how not to repeat those same misakes?
I do not know all of the details but it seems that you got into a new r without spending time with yourself. You need to make sure the changes you made within yourself become a part of you so you do not repeat them with any body else.
Before you db think about what you can do for you. It may be time for you to be on your own for awhile. Put the r on hold until you have sorted out your own issues.
I'm sorry to hear you are back here too. A little information on my sitch. My ex left in 2005 but we didn't divorce until 2009. I tried everything with him but he was having an affair and of course wouldn't work things out with me. I was apart from him for almost 4 years before I started dating again. I had healed from the separation and actually, my ex and I did our own divorce papers and just had one lawyer to file them. We agreed on everything. We even laughed together about stuff as we signed the papers.
I started dating this guy in October of 2008 and my divorce was final in June 2009. My new guy and I had 2 wonderful years without and fights, fusses or anything. We got along good until I started pushing him and trying to make him tell me how he felt. Everyone kept telling me that it had been long enough and he should be saying he loved me and stuff. I should have followed the actions and not words because he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cared more for him than the man I was married to for 20 years and had 2 kids with. I shouldn't have pushed. I shouldn't have listened to everyone else and just left things as they were. I just hope there is still time to fix things.
T2 Your post concerns me a little. It seems to me you did get into the r too quickly. You did not take time to heal. It seems that you just don't want to be alone. I think you should take that time now before you try dbing to get him back. As Jack said make dbing part of who you are.
However, I think after two years in an r you should know where you stand and it should be where you want to be. The new guy did not give you what you wanted yet you are willing to settle as long as he stays with you. If you want more than you did have a right to ask for it. If he can't give it to you than this is not the r for you.
But I do think you need to take a step back and figure out yourself first.
Sounds to me like people think DBing is something you break out when there is an emergency, and not something you continue when things are going well.
I used to DB in this new relationship from day one. I knew I had to change my ways from the person I was when I was married because I didn't want to bring "her" to the new relationship. I lost my way back on Superbowl Sunday and have been having a hard time ever since. My problem as I said in an earlier post is I started listening to everyone else instead of just doing as I wanted. I have read and re-read the book many times. Right now I feel like a lost soul and am just trying to find me again.
I had almost 4 years to heal from my separation. In my eyes I was divorced before I was but didn't file because I was afraid of losing my house and everything else. I was over my ex before I started dating. I was doing things on my own and enjoying life.
This new guy told me up front that he wasn't looking for anything more than being friends and going out and having a good time. We did that in the beginning and I didn't mind how things were going. I have a 17 year old and I can't get serious with anyone until she graduates, so I wasn't looking for "love" either. It just found me. I have spoken with someone that knows me and this guy and they said they think he is just afraid of the feelings that he has. He is overwhelmed with everything. He didn't say we would never see each other again, just that we need a break. I agree with that. I just have a hard time needing reassurance. I know no one knows what is goin to happen but I'm just looking for people to talk to. It helped me the last time and I'm hoping it helps me this time too.
Like with my ex, I stopped doing things with my friends and focused on him and my kids. I had no life. I see myself going down that road again and I think this new guy (we will call him B so I dont have to keep putting new guy) saw that and knew I needed to get back out there and find me and enjoy myself again.
B was married once before and his ex cheated on him. He said he didn't think he really ever loved her, just that he felt it was time to get married and settle down. He says he knows he was wrong for doing that. then he met another lady who he was with for 9 years and they have a daughter. He told me that he was in love with her and it was hard when she lied to him about stuff, cheated on him and started pressuring him about stuff. So, I do think he is afraid of letting his feelings out. He told me that he cared a lot for me but even if he loved me he wouldn't tell me cuz he didn't want us to get dragged into all the relationship committment stuff. He said that is when problems start.
It seems to me that B has trust issues that he needs to work on before he should be in a new r. Being afraid to admit feelings is not healthy either. It is easy to say that all you want to do is spend some time together without anything serious but two years later you seem to want more and he is unable to give it to you because he has not worked on his own issues.Until he is ready to work on what he needs to be healthy I am not sure dbing will help or is even a good idea. JMHO
oh oh, I just have to tell you to read "Committed"... from the same lady who wrote "eat pray and love"... I'm an ol' hag of the board, lol, I am a lurker now, I do remember seeing ya but not much else...
Ahhh, sometimes we are our worst enemy... remember, the way you love him is not the same way he loves you, we want the other person to do things our way . The thing about saying ILY is tricky, if I were with a guy for 2yrs I'd want him to say it to him, but if he was showing you then that's something else...also, he has been betrayed not once but twice, so I can see him being afraid.
Good luck... remember, no drama, be yourself (don't groan, cheesy but true)
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
