back again

[gutwrenching]

Slow down, breathe, stop panicking.

She has decided she is done, and I suspect is has a lot more to do with the OM or fantasy of what it would be like with the OM or someone like him. In the meantime, you are still meeting her needs, so she continues to live in her fantasy world. She has already seen the changes in you, so let her feel and know what it would be like without those changes.
Stop telling her you will be there whenever she needs you after the D...that is not GAL and is not helping your situation. Don't be afraid of the possibility of not having her in your life. See, you have changed, have done the soul searching, you will be fine. It appears she has not done as much and will continue to have R issues if she goes through with the D.

She is still on the fence, so let her face reality and not the fantasy she is in.
Stop the begging and pleading...

Be the better option. The only way to be the better option is for her to experience what life is like without the better option. Maybe suggest a S while the D proceedings are on-going. Make her wonder why you are still the same happy and strong person without her around

[gutwrenching]

Oh and one MC. Why bother. You won't get anything resolved with one session. Its a waste of your time and money. It is her validating what she is planning on doing...to be able to say, see, we went, and I didn't feel anything different

[any chance?]

Thanks. I am feeling very shaky right now. Wondering if she has just been playing me. Thought I knew her, maybe I don't.

How sad.

Need to get a grip.

[any chance?]

As I get ready to leave for 2.5 weeks, I feel a major shift in my situation developing. W told me she had filed upon my return from an extended trip on Wednesday. Spent the next 5 days doing my best to DB, being strong, tried to avoid R talks (so did W for the most part). Actually had a good time with W during this period. Not sure if she had a good time or not.

I had thought we were on the mend, but significant backsliding on W's part has occurred. Significant. She is telling me she has tried to fall in love with me again, tried to make our R work, but cannot do it. In truth, with her depression and my trip, she tried for a total of about 3 months. Not long enough after 20 years, I don't think. Now she is done. I am trying to DB the best I can, and am working on GAL.

I guess this morning I realize that I am back where we were this time last year. She wants out, and her mind is made up. Getting emotional support from an old guy friend out of state, which is undoubtedly not helping my situation. I think I just have to hunker down again for the long haul. She is going to do what she is going to do.

I am worried that W is building up resentment. She seems fairly calm and OK with me during our interactions, but I worry she is quietly seething and despising me for what has happened to her life. That is a very sad feeling. I wonder if this is just part of the process of the WAW. Is it possible for W to get over this rough spot?

Kind of lost here.

[jbnati]

I am worried that W is building up resentment. She seems fairly calm and OK with me during our interactions, but I worry she is quietly seething and despising me for what has happened to her life. That is a very sad feeling. I wonder if this is just part of the process of the WAW. Is it possible for W to get over this rough spot?

I think you definitely need to own your part in this. From that point you need to forgive yourself. That's not always easy, as I can attest to. One thing to note - you are not responsible for her happiness. That is her responsibility. She is likely doing a lot to validate her decision. Whether it is possible for W to get over this rough spot, you know your W best. Just keep DB'ing and GAL the best you can.

[any chance?]

I think the fact that "she is likely doing alot to validate her decision" is why I feel this tidal wave coming at me right now. She has spent the last three months building her case to herself without any opposing viewpoint. Her current position to D and bolt is probably quite ingrained and perhaps immovable. When do you know when it is too late?

[jbnati]

You haven't had a whole lot of time to DB since you've been back. You haven't even had time yet to look for any small positives at this point. It sounds like you've had the wind knocked out of you. You still need the chance to dust yourself off and assess the situation.

It's hard to know when it's too late. I think it's too early at this point to really make a call. Also, I seen it posted here - it's not over until YOU say it's over.

[any chance?]

W asked what I was going to do about the D papers as I was preparing to leave. That started a conversation about how she has tried as hard as she is going to, she needs to move on to find happiness, and how the door is closed. She is not willing to try again, and will not put her life on hold for another year. She says she is done.

I read her the letter I had for her. About her depression and need for happiness and how our R is not the entire reason for her unhappiness. A nice, heartfelt letter. Not sure if giving it to her was a mistake.

I agreed to sign the D papers. I guess that means I have dropped the rope. She is free to do what she wants, which means leaving me and moving out west. She says she needs to start over. She will probably move out while I am gone for the next two weeks.

Like Michelle says when describing LRT in DR, one of the likely outcomes is that the door is so firmly closed that all hope is lost. My soul tells me that is where I am now.

Never thought I would lose hope.....but I think I have.

[gutwrenching]

I hate to sound negative, but you haven't dropped the rope...if you read her a heartfelt letter and talked about good things in the R, that isn't dropping the rope. Also, you talk about losing hope...you are still holding onto the rope because you haven't embraced positives of a new life.

LRT- probably time. Just because the door is firmly closed, doesn't mean it can't open again. It might, it might not. But its time to start planning a new life for yourself, only then will you exude the confidence necessary for you and to have a chance for her to want you back.

This is tough, very tough. But clinging hasn't worked yet...don't think it will now.

Make a list of all the things you won't miss...all the things you can do on your own...start there, find some positives.

[any chance?]

A long teary conversation from W as I left yesterday, following my aggreement to sign D papers. Hard to believe she would see me as weak by being a nice guy during this horrid time, but maybe I don't understand. Perhaps she is just playing me, and I am a fool.

She is telling me she is confused, and her and others are telling me getting a D and moving out of the state is what she sees as her only option. I am letting her go, and find it very hard just to cut her off and kick her out. At present she is going to stay in the house during the D proceedings.

I am now facing the reality that I have lost her. She needs to do this for her own psyche. I think she does really care for me, but thinks our M is over. Is this common? Do I stand a chance here? If I LRT and GAL, letting her know I will be fine without her, and that I am helping her through the difficult process because I care for her and am a nice guy, is that the incorrect approach?

Between my previous extended trip and this current brief one, I had little time to show her positive change, and she is overwhelmed in a cloud of negativity. It will be interesting to see how she modifies her game plan, if at all, while I am gone. Perhaps she will have moved out by the time I get back, and the writing will truly be on the wall.

We have come what appears to be a full circle in a year, back to the same impending D we were at last year. I really don't know if I should keep the faith/hope wnile looking forward, or screw the whole thing and quit torturing myself.

Thanks for listening.