It's been a while...

[dmkdmkdmk]

I don't know if anybody remembers me. My XH left me when I was seven months pregnant with my second child. That was about two years ago. I haven't posted much in the past year or so b/c since our divorce (9 mos ago) I've just been living my life...


XH and I have spent a lot of time together lately doing things with the kids. It’s nice, when dealing with two small kids to have an extra set of hands. We haven’t fought over anything big in about six months or so. We’ve been getting along like normal, almost.

Well, he wants to come back home. He swears it’s not financial – he doesn’t care if he’s poor, but he misses his family. Not just the kids, he even told me he loved me yesterday. (It was weird, I asked him if he was talking to the cat. :P)

A big part of me is considering it.
• My mom is having surgery next month and we’re going to have to pay my sister for childcare. Plus, we want to put DD1 in preschool this fall. It would be great to not have to worry about finances as much.
• I think it might be easier on the kids too – more often than not now DD1 doesn’t want to go over to his apartment, and DD2 always wants to be with Daddy.
• I would be able to do stuff that I wouldn’t be able to otherwise – go to the gym, go out with friends if he’s home even if he has to work in the morning, take showers by myself, etc.
• Another part of it is feeling that this has to play out somehow – either it works and that’s great, or it doesn’t, and then there’s some finality to our relationship. We can’t go on forever being as friendly as we are right now (to the point where we’re just a tad over-involved in each other’s lives).

There’s the obvious concerns too. Trust issues, etc.

I feel really stupid for considering it because about a year ago we were going to reconcile, and I jumped right in with both feet for him to jump right out. It has a lot to do with what people will think of me. I know if I do this and get burned, I’m not going to get sympathy, and I’m fine with that.

As far as XH, he's done a few months of therapy and he, for the most part, reminds me more of the XH I actually married.

[Andabelle]

What happened to OW?

[dmkdmkdmk]

Well, they were on-again, off-again... unstable, possibly abusive relationship. Shortly before the divorce he met me for coffee with two black eyes (said he "fell on his face when he was drunk") to apologize for everything that he'd done over the previous year. She ended up cheating on him in a threesome. I don't think they've even spoken since that happened, but I don't really ask about her. After that he had a bit of a downward spiral, ended up in therapy for a while and has been more normal/apologetic since wintertime.

[ericmsant2]

Dmk,
I do not know your whole story but here are my comments:

It’s nice, when dealing with two small kids to have an extra set of hands.

So is a reason that you need help with the kids? Do YOU think that is a valid reason?

We haven’t fought over anything big in about six months or so.

Define BIG – Six months…wow…what about six years.

He swears it’s not financial – he doesn’t care if he’s poor,

What do you think…is it financial? The hell with what he thinks or says….You may be in a better place to determine if indeed it is not financial.

but he misses his family. Not just the kids, he even told me he loved me yesterday.

Do ALL of HIS actions for the past 6 months say that he LOVES you? Or are you the back up plan. Only YOU know the answer.

My mom is having surgery next month and we’re going to have to pay my sister for childcare. Plus, we want to put DD1 in preschool this fall. It would be great to not have to worry about finances as much.

Do you want a baby sitter, extra set of hands or a PARTNER that respects and truly loves you?

I think it might be easier on the kids too – more often than not now DD1 doesn’t want to go over to his apartment, and DD2 always wants to be with Daddy

Kids are a good reason to give things a second chance. IF that is truly what YOU want in YOUR heart. Not because it is easier…but because you truly want and believe that this person can participate in YOUR happiness.

I would be able to do stuff that I wouldn’t be able to otherwise – go to the gym, go out with friends if he’s home even if he has to work in the morning, take showers by myself, etc.

Scratch this reason…I’d hire a baby sitter.

then there’s some finality to our relationship.

Don’t you determine when it is over? When it is final.
DMK, I am not trying to rain on your parade…but what I see is a relationship of convenience. If that is what you want then go for it. How about you guys try dating for a bit BEFORE he moves back in. How about you work on trust BEFORE you have him move in.
A few other things to consider…
Does he make you laugh
Can you believe him
Is this good for the kids
Does Therapy sound like a good idea
In closing…slow is sometimes much better.
Good luck and God Bless,
Eric

[AntoniaB]

I agree with Eric. If I look over your list of reasons to allow him back they have mostly to do with anything BUT you. You let him back for all those reasons, you sacrifice yourself for the reasons (potentially). I think I'd want to be at fully and completely in love with my ex and he in return, all issues taken care of, before I'd let him move back in. You can be separated and date until things seem more stable.

I'm sure this is all very tempting and just like Eric said, no one wants to rain on your parade, but be very careful. I am friends with someone who took her ex back after about that time period and she immediately said "well, if it doesn't work out, it will be the final FINAL end to everything." It didn't work out, and guess what? She tried to make it be the final FINAL end and he is still off and on contacting her and putting her through an emotional rollercoaster.

Good luck.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Eric, these are good points...

I think part of me putting all of this on it being about the kids and being easier - is a way of avoiding saying that I still love XH and feel stupid for doing so after so long. I forget I don't have to bluff over here, lol. That's what I tell my family when I tell them that we take the kids to the park together, or took DD1 together to a movie, or he hangs out at the house, etc. I think that also helps keep my own emotional involvement at a minimum at this point.

The not fighting - we had a relationship/marriage for almost a decade where we didn't fight over much - until he met OW. And after that was "settled", it was about money. Child support is being taken care of now, so we've had nothing to fight about.

I know his life isn't easy financially. It's also not easy for him to be away from his kids. It's hard for me to be in his head because I would have never imagined leaving my kids, so it's hard for me to think that missing them/us the motivation. We're both surviving, I'm just doing it better.

I don't pay much attention to his actions now. He doesn't go out and drink the way he used to. We talk almost every day, throughout the day, and text a lot. We spend a lot of time together when we're transitioning the kids from one place to the other. He does compliment me more often (saying I'll "never find a guy who is cool enough" for me) He talks a lot about how miserable life is for him now, but this is the first step he's really made towards changing the way things are between us - I haven't pushed a relationship/friendship on him.

I do want a partner who loves and respects me. I worry about being the back-up plan... I made it clear last night when he brought this up that I wasn't looking for a roommate, that if I was going to share my home I want a partner.

[/quote]
Kids are a good reason to give things a second chance. IF that is truly what YOU want in YOUR heart. Not because it is easier…but because you truly want and believe that this person can participate in YOUR happiness.

I don't really believe that doing this is going to be "easier". But I think I want to have tried this for them, to know that I really, truly did everything I could.

Does he make you laugh - yes
Can you believe him - I *think* so
Is this good for the kids - I think so
Does Therapy sound like a good idea - yes, I currently see someone but I think it might be a dealbreaker to go together or him go on his own.

[ericmsant2]

DMK

I still love XH and feel stupid for doing so after so long

Don’t feel stupid. FTR, you can love something and yet still not want it or love something but realize that it/they are not good for you – at least not NOW.

I know his life isn't easy financially

It's also not easy for him to be away from his kids

Consequences for HIS choices I’d say and NOT a reason to reconnect, at least not in my book.

It's hard for me to be in his head because I would have never imagined leaving my kids, so it's hard for me to think that missing them/us the motivation.

1) You should not try to be in his head.
2) You did not leave your kids – he did.

We're both surviving, I'm just doing it better

Maybe because you did the work required. Did he do his? Better yet….do you think you can be the light to help him see what he needs to see on HIS OWN?

I don't pay much attention to his actions now.

I would if I was thinking of having him move back in. DB101….action not words!

He talks a lot about how miserable life is for him now, but this is the first step he's really made towards changing the way things are between us

1) Ya can’t fix em
2) Step towards changing OR desperation? Only YOU know the answer to this.

I worry about being the back-up plan

Then take it slow until this worry begins to dissipate.

I made it clear last night when he brought this up that I wasn't looking for a roommate, that if I was going to share my home I want a partner.

DEFINE partner FOR YOURSELF….. Butt that up against his actions and I think things will become clearer.

But I think I want to have tried this for them, to know that I really, truly did everything I could.

Hmmm…..only YOU know what is best for you and your family and ONLY YOU know when you have done everything that you could. “No regrets”……someone once gave me this advice – very simple actually. You will KNOW when you have no regrets….IF you are honest with yourself.

I wish the best for YOU, your D’s and……YOUR H.

God Bless,
Eric

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thank you! You've really helped with reframing my perspective.

We have the kind of relationship where it feels like we could easily pick up where we left off before the marriage went south, and that's why it feels like a natural step at this point...

I'm wondering if/how to clarify my expectations to him if this is his end goal.

[ericmsant2]

DMK,

I'm wondering if/how to clarify my expectations to him if this is his end goal.

Take your time...post it here and get some perspective from a few others.

Key....take your time.

Eric

[PEI]

We have the kind of relationship where it feels like we could easily pick up where we left off before the marriage went south, and that's why it feels like a natural step at this point...

Whoa! Careful here ... do you really want to pick up where it left off BEFORE it went south? As good as it felt to you before it all went sour, there was something fundamentally wrong in order for it to derail.



dmk, I am all for cautious optimism, I'm still a romantic at heart, even after all of my experiences in the last year and a half. Take it sloooooooow ... and when you think you're going slow enough, slow down a little more.

Some of the best advice I ever got was to make a list. A list of the qualities your partner should have to compliment you. A faceless, nameless list. Dream big dmk, there are no limits here

List attributes, contributions, skills etc ... once you know what your parner "looks" like you can hold that up against any potential mate ... your exH or otherwise. Know you and your needs first ... that should help you make your decision. You need to be strong enough to walk away from something that's not good for you even if it feels good (nickle MHL) but you also need to be strong enough to own your feelings and trust yourself to love again when the time is right.

Good luck!
Peace
PEI