Yes.. it does seem your husband is very determined to push thru the divorce, and I dont care what other people say but this is just the paper work. Please read my post to Denver this morning in regards to the END of the marriage, you still have time... Keep DB'ing....let him see the new and improved you, and if it doesn't work out Your the one that has and will benefit on all the work you have done on U.
Hope that makes sense........
Best wishes, Cindy
Your posts were great Sunny. Sorry I have't had time to respond. Been dealing with NOT responding to my W's 35 telephone calls me tonight! LOL
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey...... great news on the Lasik surgery I had that surgery done about 11 years ago.....It was the best thing I think Iv'e ever done for myself. Had been wearing glasses since second grade in school.close to legally blind and now.....omg Its a whole new world out there to see .... I wish you the best.
I'm glad your looking at the positives in your stich..so often we focus on the negatives and the stand offs......
Time is on your side...isn't there a song like that? lalala
Yep anniversarys during a seperation are always rough...Memories, Happier memories, better times, yep I agree with 25.shes a wise woman.
Board games.god it's been years since Iv'e played any always too busy or too tired, good GAL'ing
Keep up the good work...and keep the focus on you.
Ohhh, and Denver Your welcome Just a little prespective on a long time marriage! And it looks like peeps have started a new thread for you, seeing yours locked up. You have alot of people on your side giving U support and " advise "
35 thirty-five 34+1 Phone calls OMG, she is so not done, I didnt think she was..........keep doing what works...remember in my post I talked about hubby going dark on me....giving me peace, space,, and time to think.....It was exactly what I needed
He came to pick up the car tonight and then wanted to talk about the D paperwork. I wasn't really prepared for that and I was out cleaning up the back yard when all this was going on.
However, I did want to talk to him so I said ok anyways. I listed out what I felt needed to change on the paperwork and he wrote it all down. I said I want to review this with a lawyer and he said ok and pressed me into a timeline on that so I have to try and do it next week.
Then I initiated an R talk. I said I wanted to understand more about what led to this because I needed to know for myself, to work on etc. I said it must have been very hard to do what he did and he must have been in so much pain to do it, etc. Then I asked what led to that? It took a while and rehashing some things over and over to get to it but it seems like it basically came down to me not giving him his LL or, what he felt, was any LL (besides my own). When that was combined with me quitting my job when I got pregnant and sitting around the house doing nothing then and after the miscarriage it became the 'straw that broke the camel's back' for him.
Anyways, I ended the discussion because he keeps insisting all his feelings for me is dead. There is nothing to rebuild because there are no feelings there. It doesn't matter how many excellent points I bring up or how great I argue. It doesn't matter that he knows his lack of communication led to this. It doesn't matter that he knows I would have worked on it if he had ever really said anything and not just acted happy. He understands that I didn't know anything was really that wrong because he faked it hoping that "acting like he loved me" would get him the reciprocal "love" in return.
He won't come back unless he thinks there are some feelings there to come back to and he can't feel those if he doesn't let himself... so I think I'm in a catch-22 this time around. I'm trying to show him a happy fun person but it's so hard when he's physically here (which is not often) - I either want to yell at him or cry. I was doing fine today until he pulled the "let's talk about paperwork" business and caught me off guard. I should have said no, please schedule a different time for that ...
Argh. I should know better but I remember last time that some of our best breakthroughs came after R discussions. So maybe it's a mistake to have them and maybe not. One of our problems is communication of these kinds of things so maybe talking actually does help us in some backwards way?
Anyways, I told him that he makes me feel like I'm a bad person and I'm not. I'm a good person and I'm all weepy and crying and depressed these days because of the sitch but I can be that fun, loving person he used to know. I told him that he looks at all the negatives in our R and all the stuff that is missing and forgets about all the good things, taking them for granted. And we had a lot of good things. I also told him that it's unfair for him to color our entire past as negative now because we had some really good times where we were both happy and made it through some really difficult situations etc. He said he knows. I told him it's really depressing for him to do that to our entire history because then it means that I have been living with a person who has been lying to my face almost every day of my life for 11 years. And that makes it seem just so much worse. I think I kinda made him feel bad there so I apologized.
I told him that he says I never showed him love and he listed all the LL's off but MINE. I said, I may not be good at your LL but I tried and I showed you love in my LL all the time. He said he knew. Then I asked him what more could I do. He said nothing (of course). Then we said goodbye.
Not the best conversation, I know. But I guess it just really drives the point home for me that this is really about him being unhappy and I can't fix that. He can see all these things wrong with our R and M but they aren't necessarily there and they aren't necessarily what the problem is about. I think this problem has more to do with his individual happiness than our R and he's just pinning the blame there for now.
I told him that he says I never showed him love and he listed all the LL's off but MINE. I said, I may not be good at your LL but I tried and I showed you love in my LL all the time. He said he knew. Then I asked him what more could I do. He said nothing (of course). Then we said goodbye.
WHYYYYY????
You know better than to do this...NO MORE R TALK...NONE can be initiated by you. Ever...seriously...
When you argue, you force him to say it again, and to think it again and it CEMENTS the negatives in his mind...now they're REALLY solid...
if you think his reviews are way off, say "Wow, that's not how I recall it but I'm sorry you were hurt"
But if he says something legit, OWN IT without falling on your sword
like "If I had it to do over there's lots of things I'd do differently".
You have to show him BY ACTION that m to you in the future, would be different than it is now.
And you don't do that by arguing about how good a w you were when he says you were not.
Sorry.
Let him go, since he's gone anyhow. And let him discover the way one discovers FROM A DISTANCE that things were not so bad...
let him miss you (see MY timeline, not yours)
In his eyes you've had years to get this right
In your eyes things were good or if not, they were HIS issue. If your memory is more accurate then that will be revealed IN TIME...and love will resurface.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know I know. There was more to the conversation, we did talk about the things I did and I took responsibility for them. The comment you highlighted was something I said to him when I called him later. The conversation may not have helped the R but it did help me though and I feel a step closer to being able to let go at this point. I feel like I'm going to need to get through a forgiveness step again too and I'm not quite ready for that yet.
Since he had the car Friday and Saturday, I couldn't get out to do much so I just chilled at home and watched some movies, tv, played computer games and talked to friends. He returned the car this morning but I wasn't around and didn't see his text messages until the last one saying he was leaving. I guess an unintentional 180 there. We'll see how that works. My guess is that I get updated D paperwork tonight.
Today I'm going downtown to watch the NBA finals game with my friend at a sports bar. Should be fun.
wanting to do it so you can free yourself of anger and baggage is a good start.
Just don't expect it to happen overnight. It's like a two steps forward, one back kind of thing, or was for me.
Somewhere around here I wrote about a 4 day conference my h invited me and d's too, just before his planned departure.
At first I balked b/c it seemed weird and fakey and I'd have to hide my pain and anger and fears
Somehow I managed to shelve all that for FOUR days only...I thought I could do it. I got super good and NOT seeing any negatives in him and only saw positives or at worst, neutrals. Like his intelligent discussions with d's, rather than thinking he was "nerding out"...
anyhow, b/c of the girls and thinking it was the last time we'd have a chance to build good memories for them, I did it.
I let go of ALL the baggage I'd carried around (with every intention of resuming the anger and pain AFTER the 4 days...seriously...I am embarassed to admit thtat but it's how I was able to try the "experiment")
Thing is, h reacted positively to my changes and we all had a blast on the trip. I mean HIS behavior changed after a day and a half of mine... So I inadvertently started to see what forgiveness might look like, b/c I had temporarily done it...and that was a turning point for me.
It was a glimpse of what could be. And it begins with a change of attitude and then a big fat letting go of the past...
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
WHYYYYY????