Just speculating, but it's funny this would come up just a month away from summer break when she would have all 4 everyday 7am-2p excluding my off days when I'd have them.
Im trying not to knock her or bash her, I just want the best option for the kids... Even if I see them less. I hope I'm conducting myself in a way that doesn't make me look like a jerk
what's happening now since your sister isn't there yet? At night who watches them?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do... I sleep from time I get home until 1:30p... Get up get all the kids... Start my day... Kids go to bed... Sister in home 11p-my return from work.
then approach your w as if you assume the best of motives, JOINTLY, as in "we both want what's best for the kids" and "we both want max time with them of course... Concede what pros exist for the 1 week on, week off suggestion and that you certainly see them, but on the whole you think the pros of the present situation outweigh the pros of a week on, week off. Then after you list the pros, act as if the cons, (the negatives of the one on one off suggestion -not calling it HER suggestion, but labelling it by content) suddenly occurred to you.
"Oh, less time with" you or more time with sitters and all the rest. Make transportation problem (which I still don't get) a finale... When you discuss the pros, list ONLY reasons related to the well being and stability of the kids, and minimizing time with daycare or sitters, esp since there is upheaval as it is. Do NOT blame your w or imply she's the problem but simply that you want to keep as many things continuing along as before, as possible. Minimizing changes for them, etc If you feel pressed, you can also say its mutually beneficial to keep costs down too. But begin with, and stress, the best interests of the kids. Acknowledge you know she wants that too, so you two ought to be able to work it out... (Give her something to live UP to and don't attack her mothering. It's never going to get her back and it hurts her R's with the kids, which hurts them).
Make sense?
This is an opportunity for you two to work out something together, kid related and NOT about you as a couple. (180s!!) Set the tone with her by being CALM, validating her view point, assuming the best of motives and verbalizing that...and let this be a chance to have a decent talk. If not f2f, then on the phone. Be pleasant, upbeat, friendly even, but busy so as soon as the topic is covered you get off. If you begin to lose it, get off the phone while you can and say you'll have to table the topic for now b/c you have to go to the GAL thing you have planned...still upbeat and pleasant...
we'll all nominate you for your Oscar next year. Trust me, we all earned them..
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes that makes perfect sense. I hope it plays out as well as you've instructed. I will likely address that issue after the financial hearing tomorrow. It will take me time to write something in response to her request, but right now I need that time to prepare for tomorrow. Hopefully it will be a big step in working together and lead to future peaceful resolutions. Good stuff... Thanx a bunch!
Just cleaned a spot off the shelf for my future award!
try hard to keep the financials apart from the kid issues and let the L's do the money stuff. I KNOW it costs more at the start, but it saves in the long run, financially AND MARITALLY..
It means she can see you emotionally as separate from what is happening legally, and that's huge.
Plus, your approach to money (vis a vis Her) has to be about saving for the kids, and investing for their college, the home, and never about your new car or trip. Get it? You're just being careful with the FAMILY money and NOT implying a thing about her or spending. Plus I am SURE she does not look at the spending the way you do. I would bet she's totally justified it and feels entitled to a little "me" money. In reality, there's probably some validity to that.
But Remember, when you speak to her, you can say you KNOW SHE WANTS WHAT'S BEST FOR THE KIDS OF COURSE...and mean it. (OR sound like it)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Not to beat a dead horse, but let me paste part of your old post and see if you can see your words, through her eyes, (or mine) and if your perspective has changed at all.
My wife did not want a 3rd baby, but did and stated to me after in 2007 was when she started not to have feelings for me. I wanted a 4th baby, she did not, but had 4th in 2009 and is REALLY angry at me, bacause as she regularly states that having all the kids ruined her life... Obviously I know she loves them, but feels locked in. She began to withdraw from me more, less affection, less connection, depressed, began to threaten divorce literally every week. Began creating her own little circle of friends. She would always say I feel caged, trapped. She kept complaining about everything, I'd fix a problem, she'd find a new one. I stopped working as planned, and began to focus on her and try to make up for my lack of being there. Began to take on the majority of house chores, to reduce her stress, cared for the children 50% or more at times, went out more, planned more trips, allotted for more spending money for her. Seriously everything you can think of that goes wrong in a marriage, I fixed. She would still continue to threaten divorce. In the past year, she asked for a nanny and a cleaner and I was like, that's enough of this. Does this strike you differently now? HOW SO? What does "enough of this" mean? ...enough of what? The words "allotted her money" struck me too. As in you controlled the money and when YOU "allotted" HER money it means it's your money, and you "gave" some more to her or rather, you "allotted". Man that sounds so corporate.
The words "depressed", "trapped", "locked in" were SOS's to me, red flares into the universe...and of course, having 2 children she did not want then...
Is it possible at all, that you wanted to lock her in, and that the more children she had, the less likely you thought it was that she'd leave?
Or did you just think her not wanting more kids then, wasn't a big deal? I ask this even now, b/c it's such a huge question that you have to answer someday. IT's a key factor in so much, sleep deprivation and the housework and the relentless demands on time. ONE toddler is a lot to handle. You never eat your food when it's warm, you can't think to yourself unless the baby is sleeping and then you have to clean up and have zero "me" time unless you hire help. Our housekeeper has reduced conflict in my home by about 80%. Yes, that's worth it. But if you don't understand your part there, it'll hinder your future Rs with her, or a recon, or just interacting with her. It may also affect your r with another woman down the road. Dig deep. Be brave. Most of our journey on DBing, and in life, is an inward one.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
