Trying to figure out how to break it to him...

[zero12]

So it’s been a few days, so I thought I would journal. I did spend a good portion of the weekend waiting around for him to need my assistance. I tried to get a few things done around the house, while I was waiting, but if I ran out of things to do and was just sitting around I checked in with him and then left. He could call me if he needed something. All totaled it probably took us half an hour of accumulated talks to divide up the stuff that we weren’t sure about, so he was just jerking my chain with the part about needing me nearby. Oh well.
I had to go back to work, and stopped by to see him yesterday after work, but he was out. The missing truck with only a few items remaining looked peculiar, so I don’t know what he’s doing. He did say he’d be leaving today, so I left him a note wishing him a safe trip home. I nearly cried at the idea of his leaving, though I haven’t been able to cry in over a year, and I’m glad that I didn’t have to say goodbye face to face. My heart is breaking. His heart is breaking. It’s just horrible to think about, much less see.

I realize that I don’t "want" a divorce. I do "need" a partner who wants to be a real partner. I also want the intimate marriage with the nice life that he’s always talking about us having someday.He is full of “someday” promises and he is in complete denial about the verbal abuse. As long as I’m wishing he’ll get help, deal with the real problems, and stop being nasty to me, I may as well be wishing for a unicorn in a marshmallow field under clouds that rain glitter.

[zero12]

I got his response to the petition a few days ago. There were some surprises there, and he’s contradicting things he said in our conversations about the settlement. I guess he’s changed his mind, and he’s entitled to do that. The only problem is that I can’t get him to have a civil conversation.

We’ve exchanged emails about financial records and he is currently refusing to send me copies of records and spends his time writing me nasty-grams rather than just sending the information. It's all fruitless. The court will make him send me the records.

The end result is that he’s dragging this out and making it more painful. I’m trying to cut him some slack, because I know he’s hurt. I was just thinking about how much it hurts to let him go, because I do love him very much. I wish I could hug him and tell him everything will be okay, but he would doesn't want anything "nice" from me. It has hurt for so long that he doesn’t want to be with me. It doesn’t make sense that he’s holding on so hard now. Maybe it really is all about money for him.

[calystra]

Hey Z, so sorry you're going through this. Your sitch has certainly helped me to open my eyes about the pain my H must be going through. Only difference is he has a wife that he left who is willing to work on things. I wish your H would figure that out too and make the changes genuine. Take care of yourself. <<hugs>>

[zero12]

Thanks, Calystra.

I'm pretty pathetic for a WAS. It was tough watching him move out, and to have him be so cold (or nasty) the whole time. Even then it was hard not to hug him or tell him I love him or let him know everything will be okay. I can say it never occurred to me once to put an end to the divorce, but it is painful just the same. I need, rather than want, to get a divorce, and I'm heartsick every minute of it. It's twisted, but I do miss him. I have a theory that when one decides to love another, it's a decision that sticks. I know there are all of those ILYBINILWY WAS's out there who would disagree, but it just doesn't work that way for me.
--z

[25yearsmlc]

zero,


I'm confused. I thought he'd been dragging his feet for years and living apart from you for a long time....and wanted a divorce years ago but you db'd and saved it (and then wondered if you should have)...


So what's going on that you were "waiting around" for him last week and then now you are doing what? I mean, what are the issues other than property settlement stuff?


You want him to be different than he has been for a LONG time (or ever)?

This isn't a 2 x 4 but I just thought I knew your sitch...maybe I missed something.


Did I?

[zero12]

25, You would be just as confused as me. Sure I wish he were different and after years of watching him slip further away, I know he won't be different unless worse is different, which is why we're getting a divorce. The fact that I know I need a divorce doesn't mean that I'm having a fun fest over it. It still hurts to do it...

I was waiting around on him, because he insisted he needed me at the house while he was packing his things, but he wouldn't let me help and mostly treated me like dirt. I ended up not being there as much as he wanted, because it was stupid to sit there with nothing to do. In short, I was trying to be nice and generally big about the whole thing by being around as he requested.

[25yearsmlc]

so,

how's ^^^^ that working for you?


maybe the divorce isn't the worst thing???

Hey, I RARELY say that but, geez

[zero12]

Thanks for the 2x4. Point taken. I haven't had such a good laugh at myself in a long time. I really appreciate you taking the time to make me think. --z

[zero12]

H is continuing to send nasty-grams full of accusations and revisionist history whenever I email him about financial information I need. I'm not too interested in engaging with him while he's being like that. Someone told me recently that her husband dragged out their divorce with disagreements over petty things as a means of staying married as long as he could in spite of the fact that the divorce was inevitable.

I don't really get that. I remember when H was divorcing me I was very upset. I went to see a lawyer and talked to her about contesting the divorce. She was honest that I'd end up divorced anyway, and I realized that I'd just be hurting both of us to postpone the inevitable.

[25yearsmlc]

amen to what that L said. No such thing as a spouse "Giving" the other spouse a divorce these days. It's a state granted deal.
(Though some say it's the church but legally, it's the state)


THough delays can happen, no one can STOP a divorce.
Do you have a L now? Please say yes (or get one asap) as it's clear you two cannot resolve this amicably.

Plus

The more marital revising he does, the more he's getting angry. NOT a good sign.


I mean dear God, he won't finish the house repairs, he won't make a move, OR sell the house he won't repair, as is, and NOW he's stalling the divorce???

The man is paralyzed as a life style.


Anyone see a pattern glowing here??


You know what you have to do, and I think it stinks. So, hold your nose

b/c you cannot join him in "stuckville". It's an ugly stop and you've been there a long time already.

(( ))