Hi, just some info on my sitch, im 46h, 40 w and 2 beautiful daughters , 6 and 8. We both had high end corp jobs lots of travel but we were good and focussed. Anyway eife turns 40 in oct 2010, and in feb 2011 comes back from work trip and says marriage over. She then buys new clothes, hair cut, exercises, ups the travel, goes completely cold and spends money recklessly, hides phone, became secretive. I obviously suspect an om, but i havent the proof. I moved out at her behest, but move back in and out when she travels to look after the kids.
This has been going on for 8 weeks. first month i was crying, begging, the usual, but now got it kind of together and am doing 180 with LC.
Wife is evasive at best, we may have a brief sms once a week. An email re custody arrangements but thats it, its very dark.
What do you all think, is she having affair ( she denies ) and how do I proceed. Any ideas r really appreciated
Everyone told me when I got the ILYB talk that there was someone else. That she either had someone else in mind or wad on the hunt. I would not believe it but it was true.
Sorry to say from what you have said she has found your replacement. What you do now is up to you....
Hi paper, thanks for dropping in. Yes it 's very hard, feels like the oxygen ripped out of your lungs. And not seeing my children everyday is the worst experience, people say i will get used to it, but who wants to get used to that.
Its the lying and denials that hurts so much, you really start to question your own sanity ( am I imagining this ) from someone who is normally completely honest. Im not going to snoop on her, thats too much, i know enough to know she is seeing someone.
Thankfully i found this site, it is helping me immeasurably to get my act together, but i still would like to validate what I am doing. She wants a divorce, but has done little to proceed with it. So I hold hope for us, but have to be very careful in how i proceed. I want to go in hard, but have been kind, considerate and gentle instead, which only seems to make her disrespect me. So i feel she needs a firmer response.
Thanks
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
Consider the following.... Does it matter if she is? Will it bring you relief? Will it change whether you want to work on the M? Do you need the evidence for divorce procedures? Or do you think that discovering it will make her change her mind? Highly doubtful judging her high level of detachment. Ask yourself what finding out will do for you and then act accordingly. In my opinion and my opinion alone, a spouse needs to value and appreciate their M in order to stop their A. It sounds like your W may be in a MLC. If this is the case your true enemy is not an OM but her feeling trapped, bored, unfulfilled, and like she is running out of time. The OM is just a visible symptom. Confronting her whether the A is true or not will just drive her away. DB, GAL, and 180. It may feel terrible but it's all you can really do. Remember her actions are out Of your control. You can't pull her in but you sure can drive her away. Only worry about things you can affect and that is you. Please feel free to post often and you will notice that people will gladly attempt to help you with each new confusing situation as it arises.
Gb90, thanks so much , the problem when you are trying to work these things out on your own, is how fuzzy your thinking becomes.
Whilst I hold hope that at some point my wife will recognise what she is doing , and we can work on reconciliation, i need to focus on the kids and myself. I dont need to prove the om, and I really wish i could put this piece behind me, as I have spent way too much time, energy thinking about it....
Your right about the mlc, it all seems to fit and my counsellor seems to think so as well. For her all the pressure of long work hours, being away from kids, trying to balance everything, just got too much.
So with LC then, i will not raise her affair any more ( i wanted to burst the bubble she is in, but yr right, the last thing i want to do is drive her to him)
I have to sort out finances though and interim custody arrangements in a structured way, because i need to protect the kids and myself, and she is being reckless with money. Perhaps the realities sink in for her as we sort that. I am not pushing for divorce with her, though i have to be careful that these things im doing dont set that off, because to me it seems to snowball rapidly once the lawyers get into our bank accounts.
Thanks for the really timely advice, it is deeply appreciated.
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
Facing Sounds like you got yourself taken care of. Money is always tough in these situations. You need to protect yourself, but at the same time you can't come across as only taking care of yourself. (why would she want to come back to a selfish person?) Sounds like she has a good job and can take care of herself offer all the support you can when it comes to your children, but make sure she understand that the responsibility for her expenses are hers and hers alone. Its a tough balance, between being the type of good guy they would want to come back to, and letting them assume responsibility for their actions.
yes sorting out the finances, such as joint bank accounts, mortgages etc is tricky, because I absolutely need to do it, yet it is a big emotional trigger. I havent split up the joint bank account yet, but she is single handly trying to revive the economy with her spending spree.I let it slide for the first coupleof months as I thought a bit of retail therapy is fine ( I now live like a frugal monk in balance..) But you have to draw the line.
Every time I go to the account I expect it to be cleaned out, i know that is paranoid, but hey , sanity and logic left a couple of months ago. But if i can equitably sort that out and agree a structured approach to children access, then I feel I can bunker down and see what happens. I wont go further on the divorce proceedings.
I think also I send a clear message to her that I am not a doormat. TREAT ME WITH RESPECT.At the same time , i want to do what is right and not push her away, but I feel I am on eggshells in this area.
thanks for the support and all the advice
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
I go to pick up my kids the other day, and out comes the W, , she is wearing a diamond necklace.... let me explain, I didnt buy it and she doesnt wear fake jewellery. If you had hit me in the head with a baseball bat at that time , it wouldnt have rattled me more. I realised this non existant OM, is serious and its been going on longer than I thought.
She then says instead of Sunday for me to have the kids, would I also like them from saturday morning onwards for the whole weekend.... it hits me so she can go out on Saturday night with OM.
It wells up in my chest like acid, and you try to be composed, but she is watching so intently looking for any change in my demeanor. But she has a knowing smile, its this flaunting of it, yet denial.
I am losing hope, it just seems an impossible task that is before me and I just dont know how much more i can take.
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
Everyone is different. From what I have read on these boards I seem to be the exception. In that if I knew my wife was continuing the EA or if it became PA then that is the end. My boundary is that with no return.
Have you determined what your boundaries are and what your limit is? What do you expect? Are you just in waiting mode for her or what? All important questions.
yes sorting out the finances, such as joint bank accounts, mortgages etc is tricky, because I absolutely need to do it, yet it is a big emotional trigger. I havent split up the joint bank account yet, but she is single handly trying to revive the economy with her spending spree.I let it slide for the first coupleof months as I thought a bit of retail therapy is fine ( I now live like a frugal monk in balance..) But you have to draw the line.
Every time I go to the account I expect it to be cleaned out, i know that is paranoid, but hey , sanity and logic left a couple of months ago. But if i can equitably sort that out and agree a structured approach to children access, then I feel I can bunker down and see what happens. I wont go further on the divorce proceedings.
I think also I send a clear message to her that I am not a doormat. TREAT ME WITH RESPECT.At the same time , i want to do what is right and not push her away, but I feel I am on eggshells in this area.
thanks for the support and all the advice
FD,
It has nothing to do with "treat me with respect." It has EVERYTHING to do with protecting yourself, your family's assets, and taking care of your kids, and also about not enabling your wife's infidelity.
If she's cheating on you (and it's pretty clear that she is), then you can't control her running away from your marriage and your family. But you danged sure don't have to finance the flight, nor should you. YOU NEED TO SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES ASAP. If this is what she wants, then she'll have to fund her fantasy herself.
