Groundhog Day

[FooFighter999]

Hi all, it's been nearly a year since I last posted so probably time for an update of events.

W still with OM ( things not going so well though, ha ha )
Me still clean.
Me stopped smoking cigarettes too!!
Minimal comms with W ( kids, house etc & NO R TALK )
Comms NEVER instigated by me.
Me as dark as dark can be in the circumstances.
Still living 100 miles apart.
I see youngest D every 2 weeks.
S lives & works with me now.
Relations with W always friendly and cordial on my part, have followed DB advice to the letter.
Me getting on with life and to be honest quite happy.

Just prior to christmas duration of W's calls begin to get longer and longer. Lots of chat about her family, stuff the OM doesn't understand as he's never met them. Then I get a couple of late night texts and calls from W. She was drinking wine and listening to 'our' music and getting a just little nostalgic and wistful about 'us'. Missing our late night chats, drinking, dancing and.....well you can guess what came after.

Nothing more came of this and I spent 1st christmas alone ever!! Kids were at home with W & OM. Kids not too impressed that he was there and apparently he spent most of his time in the back room out of the way...best place for him, ha ha.

In late Feb this year W got back in touch but this time began to express her uncertainty about our separation. She was not having a good time with OM and was thinking he may be a rebound relationship...You don't say!!!

W tells me that my FB holiday photo's made her cry because of OW in the pictures.

W tells me that her christmas was sh$t because OM was boring (and still is apparently)

Me & W agree to meet for a day out in the country. Walking, pub lunch, more walking & afternoon tea.

Wonderful day which included regular, VERY tentative discussion about vaguest possibility of 'what if we were to try again' nature complete with hand holding and, at the end of the day, a lot of kissing and hugging.

Day ended with both smiling and later texts expressing happiness.

Texts and occasional calls continue up to and including her holiday with OM a few weeks later after which time NOTHING!!! ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH. It's as if I no longer exist. Back to very short texts about picking up youngest D from home and whenever I arrive she is out.

Can anyone read between the lines and come to a different conclusion to mine?

Ideas as to reasons behing this massive 180 from her?

FF999

[FooFighter999]

I need to speak to W re: collection of youngest D this weekend and I think I will let it all 'hang out'.
My beef is not about the abortive reconcilliation talks but about the fact that she has completely ignored and avoided me for the last two weeks.
For someone that supposedly 'loves me' she has a funny way of showing it.
To be truthfull the reconcilliation issue is secondary to her lack of common courtesy & empathy.
Totally p$ssed with that!!

FF999

[FooFighter999]

Picked up D on Friday and W had de-camped before I arrived ( back to the bad old days again!! ).
Dropped D back on Sunday and W would not come to the door to speak to me, just busied herself in the kitchen preparing dinner - smelled good too. Up until she went on holiday, she would have chatted on the front step or maybe come down to the car to talk for a while.

OK, no problem, I can deal with this so swapped D with S and set off back to my place.

30 secs later got a call from D to say that my new passport was at home so I turned round to pick it up.
D brings it to the door and I say that I want to speak to mum.
W comes to the door looking really kind of stressed, quite sad, almost tearful.
W apologises for not phoning and say's she is having a hard time dealing with seeing me again( i'm guessing she means the 'new' me, calm, chilled, happy & looking GOOD ). I do believe the rebound relationship with OM is beginning to wear her down a little although I may have that all wrong, who knows.
W promised to phone me this week to talk and today I had brief conversation with her with a promise of a longer chat when more convenient for both of us.

I'm not expecting anything positive as far as 'us' is concerned just now, or indeed ever. I am content to be just a friend, a good friend, the best friend.
I will tell her straight that I think her R with the OM is wrong for her, that it is just a rebound R that she thought she needed to cope with our separation.
I'm not going to suggest that we should reconcile, I'm going to suggest just the opposite. That she needs to take some time out on her own, get some 'me time'. Experience life without the pressure of another person. Take time to consider what she really wants and maybe WHO she really wants, and also make it clear that I don't expect that person necessarily to be me.
I'm seeing this whole situation from the perspective of someone who has lived the last year coming to terms with hurt, pain, and loneliness that separation brings. She has yet to experience those feelings, but I think now is the the time for her to face them. It's going to be painful for her, but in the end she will be a better person for it.
I'm kind of looking forward to helping her if she'll let me, plus I think I've learned enough about myself and have the inner strength not to unduly influence her decision whatever it may be.

Hope that makes sense.

FF999

[BklynMom]

What an incredible story. You are truly detached from her and want to help her.

Your love and respect for her is amazing. The fact that you are not waiting for her but you are happy with your life yet open to whatever relationship you have with her.

You are the perfect model of DBing. (I cant freaking do it - I cant get over what my H is doing to us).

I am very impressed. Seriously, I do a lot of yoga and I still am freakin angry and crabby.

[scaredsilly]

i don't know. i see pursuing, anger, and expectations in your writings...

[FooFighter999]

i don't know. i see pursuing, anger, and expectations in your writings...

I wont't try to deny that but those are all things that came about during the last month or so. Prior to then I had come to terms with the way things were and our relationship as 'friends' was thriving.
I did pursue very briefly but recognised that it would do no good. Db-ing practice once again.
I was angry but not because of the loss of a possible reconcilliation but at the loss of her trust in me as a friend. Again, Db'd my way out of that one.
Expectations..... well I will admit I had some but again experience gained over the last year has taught me not to have any.

Maybe my sitch is a little different to most in as much as we both still do love each other. I KNOW that she still misses me a lot. I KNOW that at this time she doesn't know which way to turn. I KNOW that I will be there to help all I can and do not expect anything other than her friendship in return. That feeling alone creates an immense feeling of inner calm. I KNOW I couldn't have written those statements 9 months ago.

FF999

[FooFighter999]

Hi all, not posted for a long time now, but still keep a eye on developments on these boards. I never really felt as if I was able to give good advice but I received and read a whole lot of sound guidance from you people.

So, time for a brief update.

Just discovered that W & OM are now engaged!!!! Quite astonished to be honest, with some amusement and also a little sadness ( for her, not us ) mixed in.

I suspect that the OM did the proposing, a desperation measure I think. The kids think the guy is a fatuous jerk ha ha.

Recent comments from W indicate that the honeymoon period is long since gone and that things aren't quite so hunky dory from her perspective.

Really have no idea where her head is at right now.

She doesn't know that I know about this and i'm certainly not going to tell her that I do. Just going to watch from the sidelines and see what happens.

I still love the woman so I will step-in if I think that she's going to crash & burn but as far as 'us' is concerned, that option is no longer an option. I'm just too damned happy with my life to want to change it.

FF