jbnati, thanks as always for your thoughtful and positive words.
greenblue90, I understand your view of me as a past OM. I am not proud of what I did years ago, and my current sitch reminds me daily of the hurt I inflicted on others during that time. FWIW, my XW remarried a very good man and we all get along well, which has been of great benefit to my kids. About a year ago, my W's XH and I spoke about what had happened and I apologized for my part in the death of their marriage. It brought some closure; he and I get along better than he and my W.
I mention this not as any kind of excuse; only to indicate I am very aware of my past failures.
My W has always had a pretty volatile temper and a low sense of self-esteem, I think partly as a result of the emotional abuse she endured in her first marriage, her feeling of abandonment by everyone she ever trusted and her misplaced sense of guilt over SS's autism; she thinks there was something she did or did not do when he was quite young that may have contributed to that. Of course, that is not true at all, but I have found that is more common than you would expect w/ parents of autistic children.
So she can be extremely fragile and timid one minute, and bat-s**t furious the next. your comment about turning my back to her is spot on, yet I find it difficult to do that, fearing that will only fuel her feelings of "See? You're abandoning me, too."
I know that my reluctance to effectively detach and let her deal with her own issues is done out of a sense of fear, and she is definitely taking advantage of the situation. She is still in the house sleeping in our bedroom, receiving the security of being here and me helping with SS, but not having to pitch in with her part of any marriage responsibilities (for lack of a better word).
I am trying to be the strong loving man and still maintain a sense of self-respect.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Ok the next is not part of a blame game. Keep in mind that is not what I'm trying to do. I think though based on your experience some good points can be made about your W and WAW's in general.
Your W thinks everyone will abandon her so she beats them to the punch. Not just that but she abandons those in her life that care for her and seeks new people that will enable her.
In your statement you mention that she thought her previous marriage was terrible and that her ex-H abandoned her. Has it occurred to you that she may be telling the OM the same song and dance about you?. Her own issues are ruining yet a second M. Since the story is repeating itself again, I think you know what the outcome could be.
What I'm trying to tell you is to cut yourself some slack. This is her problem not yours, and while you can't change her you can sure set the conditions for her to choose to change.
You are afraid most of us are. That being said I usually tell guys that they ARE in competition with the OM, it's just a different type of competition. OM's give emotional support to WAW's they enable their flight fantasies. They arrive to save the WAW from boredom, abandonment, whatever. This is kinda weird to ask, but go back to the initial affair, what were you providing to her then? Most likely OM is giving her what you used to give her. You need to give this to her again.
I know the tough love is hard, so here is a technique I use. For every episode of tough love give her 2 to 3 episodes of sweet love. Read 5 love languages again. Find how to show her love. Make sure that if you do she can't link it to the episode of tough love. Otherwise she will take it as you admitting that you are wrong.
It is paramount that she realizes that your act of love is just that: Love, and not an attempt to make up for a fight. You need to build a dynamic where she realizes that destructive behavior gets her nowhere, and good behavior gets her love.
"Your W thinks everyone will abandon her so she beats them to the punch. Not just that but she abandons those in her life that care for her and seeks new people that will enable her."
You're good.
Yes, I'm sure she is repeating the same chapter and verse about me that she said about H#1. I've accepted that and moved well past it. Nothing I can do about what she says to others.
Years ago when we were in counseling for what was the start of all of this, we read the 5LL. Her LLs were "Words of Affirmation" and "Acts of Service." Well, I took that information to heart and often - and sincerely - praised her and told her how proud I was of her accomplishments as a woman, wife, mother and professional. I did little things and big things to make her workload more bearable. Somewhere in the following years the wheels came off, though.
So I am trying to speak her LL again; not to curry favor or win brownie points, but because it is simply the right thing to do. So far this weekend has been calm, peaceful and almost normal. I'll take it.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Just another guy like you trying to bust a D with a W who has slightly tougher issues.
That being said just because she said those were her LL's I'd take that with a grain of salt. What she said sound like the stock answers Hollywood has convinced women to say. You know I want a kind gentle man that respects me, etc etc.
She may think she knows what her languages are but she may be fooling herself. The best way to find out is through trial and error. Try communicating in all the languages and see what type of results you get.
At the same time see what ticks her off. This will show you the opposite. For example when I neglect something around the house and create more work for her she always feels I do it on purpose. To her being careless or neglectful around the house is speaking the "hate language of neglect". Which is the inverse of "random acts of kindness".
So I have tried to cut Down on neglect and up on kindness.
Telemark, I find it strange about WAW's ...so bear with me when I say this....I read on these boards about a WAW bringing up things that happened years ago....So I will use my W as an example.....I am the type of person that if you and I have a disagreement and you make me mad.....Several days, hours, minutes, what ever, you come to me and say I really did not mean that and this is why I said it and I apoligize....It then puts the burden back on me...I have to decide if I want to forgive you or not....Now for me...if I make the decision to forgive you...I will never bring it up again...ever...now as far as my W...things that have happened 2o years ago that she accepted my apology for...they are being brought back up.....its sometimes so bad that she feels like it just happed to her....now I would like to know are there any men out there that do this....I am just wondering and thinking outloud....if she forgave me 20 years ago why is she bringing back up...does she really not know how to forgive.....its a learning process going through this D for sure.....just my two cents worth...Scott
"Your W thinks everyone will abandon her so she beats them to the punch. Not just that but she abandons those in her life that care for her and seeks new people that will enable her."
You're good.
Yes, I'm sure she is repeating the same chapter and verse about me that she said about H#1. I've accepted that and moved well past it. Nothing I can do about what she says to others.
Years ago when we were in counseling for what was the start of all of this, we read the 5LL. Her LLs were "Words of Affirmation" and "Acts of Service." Well, I took that information to heart and often - and sincerely - praised her and told her how proud I was of her accomplishments as a woman, wife, mother and professional. I did little things and big things to make her workload more bearable. Somewhere in the following years the wheels came off, though.
So I am trying to speak her LL again; not to curry favor or win brownie points, but because it is simply the right thing to do. So far this weekend has been calm, peaceful and almost normal. I'll take it.
[color:#FF0000] That's a good thing to do, b/c as you said, it's the right thing to do, and btw, it worked last time. That's all we can go on. /color].
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
NO SURPRISE here...sorry but if you re read your posts here, you'll see a pattern of YOU being so impatient that you keep pestering her.
Giving her ultimatums when you are not in a position to give them; when someone is on the fence you don't "dare" them to jump off and expect them to land on YOUR side.
You set yourself up to be disappointed when she cannot meet your repeated expectations. She said she wanted space. YOU KEEP PESTERING HER AND CORNERING HER...
And the amount of time you think is reasonable is NOT realistic...OMG plus you said you did mistreat her in the past...
Look at my timeline in my signature. Get it?
Months to years, not weeks....please, really, you need to back off and stop pressing her for decisions...
And watch the anger and jealousy and things from you that are not coming from a place of love or light within. I hear a lot of bruised ego and pride and calling it a healthy boundary.
THEY ARE NOT the same...but sometimes, it's hard to know the difference. I GET THAT.
It's a fine line, a shifting line, a blurry one. So look within and really be honest about where your headed and why.
BTW****
I saw an old bf at my reunion and then on fb. Truthfully, it's great for the ego when they see you and you can tell they're still attracted. And He's still cute but we have nothing in common really.
A friend from the class died just after the reunion. On fb, old bf was sharing about it and I answered. At one point my h saw that the old bf was on fb and I asked h if he was worried or jealous and his response was so perfect--
He said, "worried that you'll leave me for HIM?? God no, um, If THAT'S WHO YOU WANT, YOU CAN HAVE HIM...
and it made me think for a minute..."oh yeah, bf earns 20% of my h's salary, isn't nearly as smart or educated, has no kids (a disadvantage in my book) did not raise mine and has little history with me comparatively, and isn't in great shape like h, etc
I just realized in less than 30 seconds how stupid I would be to even think of it. We shared maybe 4 messages about the late friend. H was not jealous and had no reason to be.
But his confidence was reassuring. And the reality of old bf was a little sad, b/c while he's still cute, he's kind of a loser. So is your w's old bf. He's Jobless? Borrowing money from HER/YOU??? OMG how pathetic... But as you corner her and question all those choices, you force her to keep defending them instead of really looking at them. WHY???
back off big time, please. And give her SPACE.... a lot more. Ignore div talk til you get served IF you do.
BTW 1/3 of divorces filed, NEVER go to completion...
Be the better choice.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I think you're one of them. Obviously not all are reconciled and some simply remain in legal limbo forever.
But some of that 1/3, do reconcile. And something like 15% of those who divorce, remarry their former spouses...it happens
I don't say this to give or encourage false hope. It is what it is.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, the first filing never completed and ended up being dismissed. I also know of others that has happened to as well.
Telemark, for a successful thread on reconciliation for a guy after D was filed for, do a search on FaithfulH.
His W and him are still together now and it has been a couple of years since his situation took place.
K
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
