I know this kind of turned into another discussion of my sitch, but I would like to discuss this topic generally here. It does seem to be one where there are opinions on each side. I am sure situations where this may be a good direction, others where it is not. Just curious to hear opinions.
Some things to consider:
Does being friends really always make it easier on the WAS? Or can this actually make the WAS consider the person they are leaving? Do the problems that caused the M to collapse have something to do with whether or not being friends may work or not work?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
One thing you need to consider, if you're thinking of trying this approach: do you really think that your new spouse or GF someday will be cool that you're "best friends" with your ex-wife?
Be civil, be courteous, be friend-LY. If this doesn't work out, you'll need to co-parent, and those will all serve you well. But if your wayward spouse is under the illusion that you're going to still be BFF with them if they continue to cheat and run away from your marriage, I think you'd be wise to set them straight, in a calm, firm, loving manner.
CS- this was one of the first posts I saw when I came to the site! I remember thinking, well, that's someone with a ton of strength, courage, and forgiveness. Amazing discipline. Though I don't know if I'd choose that strategy myself, I really admire that kind of internal strength in a person.
How do we know if it's working? I don't think we ever know 100%. To me it is the UNCERTAINTY that is so painful. Heck, I don't even know 100% if my W is having an EA with her boss. I want to KNOW. And that sometimes leads me to do dumb things, like inititate OR talks, looking for reassurance - which, as you know, always ends badly for me. I'll even do things that would push her towards this other guy, because sometimes it feels like KNOWING she was in an EA would be easier than NOT KNOWING. Uncertainty causes anxiety, causes me to go looking for certainty and control over the situation. I wish I had the discipline to sit down with the pain of uncertainty and endure it, when that would be my choice. I'm learning, and it's a struggle. I think we need to find the thing that gives us internal strength.
Does being friends really always make it easier on the WAS? Or can this actually make the WAS consider the person they are leaving? Do the problems that caused the M to collapse have something to do with whether or not being friends may work or not work?
Unfortunately there is no one-size fits all model. What might be right for you, may not be right for some. (Okay I stole that from the Diff'rent Strokes Theme, but it applies.) I think some Ws respond differently.
For me, friendship was critical. Our relationship started out of a friendship. My W also and still does considers me her best friend. My W had to get the friendship feelings back before she could even consider working on the M. Without that, I would've been sunk. So at least for the for the first month after the bomb, I tried to be her friend as I always was. but I didn't try to be her best friend, if that make sense. She appreciated that effort. We we had one of our first MC sessions, she brought that up. But being friends is not the same as a co-dependency.
I think for some women, it might make it easier to move on, especially if they are in some kind of fog. But I think for the majority, it makes them see what they are missing. It doesn't necessarily make them come back thought.
I think many married people say that their spouse is there best friend. There is a reason for that and a meaning to that.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
IMO we need to evaluate the state of the relationship we currently have with our spouses to determine how any of the things we are putting into practice applies. The R is never truly gone. My SIL and her XH still interact after 21 yrs.
As recently as last summer W and I were laughing and friendly with each other. I remember her remarking our friendship is one of the reasons we have lasted. Looking back and analyzing from the perspective of now there were cracks in the R then and being a better friend would probably helped alleviate where W and I now find ourselves. She may have been trying to tell me that.
It is a two-way street as the R cracked W could have spoke up at any time. In early winter as things began to spiral I pushed for MC. I didn’t realize she made her decision to abandon the R until the bomb.
Now I think I need to be friendly, but not her friend if that makes any sense. Not as a tactic, but as a matter of personal integrity. I struggled with that recently.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Now I think I need to be friendly, but not her friend if that makes any sense. Not as a tactic, but as a matter of personal integrity. I struggled with that recently.
This is my thought exactly.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
This is something I have been thinking about. When I am dark, my texts to her (when she texts me) are very short. I think she takes this as I am mad or don't care about her. But when I am friendly, I get a much better vibe from her. I know my divorce is going to go through, I have to decide how I can be that friend to her. She said she wants to be close and be friends, but I have to wait till she's ready to do that.
I struggle with this alot lately. In past phone calls, W has gradually gotten angrier, bitter and raised her voice, even as i had not even said anything except hello. it got to the point where she would just hang up on me. Then call back 20 minutes later after she had calmed down. This causes me great anxiety and i have to take a pill. So i have decided to not accept any phone calls, if she leaves a message i respond via text. I had to get reassurance from my pastor that this was ok. He said as long as its for a health issue, which i have to be healthy, mentally, physically, and emotionally for time with my 2YO son, its ok. When it becomes a way to control the conversation or situation then its not ok. Like this morning she called and i started becoming anxious just seeing it was her calling. She left a message to call her, that we need to talk about a few things. I got very anxious. Anyhow dont want to highjack this thread.....
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
