After help on this board, I really do think H is in MLC. He is only 35, I think that is why I first didn't label him as such. So much of it makes sense now. Anyway, on this rollercoaster, whenever the talk comes of D, its of the kids and I leaving our home. (Although I really doubt he would actually push for that.) At first I was angry and started thinking I should, but now I'm like; Why should I be the one to leave, disrupt our children's lives and look like the bad guy? Some days I think we could survive this, others I'm not sure. If we do separate, I'll leave when/if I decide for myself. He can go 1st. I'm wondering though, is it better to stay in the same house to survive MLC?
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Everyone here would agree - if he wants to leave the marriage, he should be the one to leave, not you. Especially since you have the kids....think of how the instability would affect them!
Staying in the same house with the MLC'er is hard but for me if you can detach, and survive, go for it. That is what I am trying to do.
Read about MLC, then read the "MLC for Dummies" spoof .... I will see if I can find it and post it here.... its so funny but so true. The MLC'er wants to be the victim and one of the ways they can be one is when you leave ..... you become the bad guy and they are "poor me", have all the excuse in the world to hate you, to have an affair, multiple affairs ...
Watch out for the MLC for dummies topic I will post separately.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
MLC = mid life crisis, and in society that means 40-50 something red convertable Corvette and banging the secretary. Its a stereotypical label, and its...wrong.
There are resources stuck at the top of this forum, good articles and posts, and Cadet who is awesome usually comes by and points out some of the better ones.
To me, it has always been 2 things that stick out for a 'Life Crisis'.
Are they confused? Do they say one thing and does that change? Do they keep you around, do they say things that confuse you?
The other:
A childhood issue that hit them hard, some big old stick you might as well label "That's F-ed up" beat them hard as a kid and they weren't able to process it as a child so they put it away.
The 'Life Crisis' come out when that childhood trauma comes out as an adult.
Read up on some of the others here, Mrs. Post to them and say hi, and they be around by the by and you'll build up your support group nicely. Less traffic here than in Newcomers...but its more in tune with MLC..ahem sorry 'Life Crisis'
Regardless of being in the same house or not...
YOU will survive his MLC. You will I promise. How you survive...well that is up to you. We want you to become better, stronger, and with the skill syou'll need to rebuild a relationship.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
IMO there is no "better" ... what works in any given situation depends on the people involved. As I'm sure you've read, being under the same roof as your MLCer will definitely have challenging times. Frankly, it's all challenging.
That being said, don't go anywhere. Why would you and the children leave your home? If he wants out ... he should leave.
BTW, my stbxH was just mos past his 35th birthday when things started to erupt. Resources I've read indicate 35-50 is well within range.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I am all about, being as empathic toward the MLC as possible...
However, when they want you to leave the house, because they are having issues?
F- em.
Their problem...and while I am positive you brought bad habits and problems that contributed to your marriage failing...we all do/did...its their problem in this matter. They can leave to find their happiness.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you guys. The longer I come here, the more I am so thankful to have found it.
H isn't the sports car guy, but he is the "poor me" guy. If you looked at our lives the past few years, I think I have more things to play the victim card, but I don't. His parents are totally buying into his victim routine. "Poor him" "We are so worried" They do call me to offer support, but I don't think they really want to hear anything bad about their son. I've been thinking about his childhood. (I've known him since we were in grade 9). His older brother has had some "issues" with his marriage too, and went to IC/MC, and a lot of it stemed from how he grew up. He's told me that they might have looked like a happy family but it was like always waiting for the shoe to drop with their dad. I can see that he is very controlling, but I guess it was very scary as children. My H has never talked about this. This is also a family where you don't talk about your problems, its more important to put on appearances. Oh, and do not show your emotions. I was told by BIL they were punished for crying as little kids (and I doubt it was a time out). One other thing, and I don't even think H knows I know...is that, when he was 19 he was invited over to our old highschool coaches house. The coach got him drunk and tried to "seduce" him. He got away and drove home drunk. I know before that H thought this guy was super cool etc. I'm guessing that has to affect any guy, especially one who sees himself as very masculine.I just learned more about this in the last few years from a very close friend of H's, when the coach was arrested for similar acts.
I'm sure you'll see more of me around, and thanks for the advice. My suitcase is staying put in the storage room.
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
This site has saved me too! And let me tell you, the urge to escape comes round a lot of times. I had to revisit that decision again and again. Two weeks ago I was literally clinging to my office chair to keep me from going home and just exploding at my H and giving up! Thank goodness many people here - Grace, Cyrena, to name a few.... talked me down.
But I don't want to be the one to leave - if my H does, its his decision, his work to do. I will stay put - for myself and for my daughter.
I have also decided (again) to stand for my marriage and do (or maybe rather, not do...!) everything to make it work/restore it.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
My H just turned 37 and has had unresolved childhood issues that he can't even realize. He is passive aggressive as well. Bottles up most of his emotions. He is showing symptoms of MLC. I don't know if there is an OW but I don't know if I could handle it if there were. I am all for standing for my marriage and have been doing so despite being treated like crap but how do you handle the jealousy of the possibility of a OW? I don't want to leave either, even though I told him I would (he wants D)I just don't see how I can stay in the house by myself with so many memories. Plus, I could not afford the house on my own. He mentioned that he might consider a separation but I worry that a separation would just put an "out of sight, out of mind" curse on us. It would also allow him more freedoms to get into another relationship. I worry though, that if I don't leave, he will anyway, then I will get "stuck" with the responsibility of the house and upkeep. UGH!
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Cadet who is awesome usually comes by and points out some of the better ones.
Thanks Jack, for the shout out, CandaianMrs above you have my welcome post and I am around from time to time, or ask some of the others questions. There are lots of smart people here.
Like I said above your H is giving you a gift. Start working on YOU and use the gift (of time) wisely.
Remember to have NO EXPECTATIONS.
This is a long hard journey and you can only take it one small step at a time.
