just when I was up, crashing down again

[canadianMrs.]

The last couple of weeks, while struggling with H's EA (He says it was over months ago, but just told me last month) I was becoming more optimistic. I know if I asked H, he would be negative, but his behavior was changing for the better. Nothing really concrete toward the relationship, but helping withe kids, trying to gain my trust back. He seemed happier too.
Then Monday we went to MC. It's just so hard hearing it over and over again. He still sticks to the idea that he married me because we had a child (even though we dated 10 years before that, and didn't get married for over 2 years after our 1st was born) He says his feeling have been changing for me over the years and now the attraction is gone.

Our MC said that this could be fixed but it will take a lot of time and even she wasn't sure H would put in the time. She does want him to go to IC . Not sure if he'll do that.I have noticed a change in him over the yeas, but I assumed it was a stressful job. 3 kids, life etc. Things have never been perfect, but I find it hard to believe he has been going through the motions for 10 years. Since we came home from MC, D talk is back on the table. I'm an emotional wreak. I'm actually going to see a lwyer on Friday just to make sure I know my rights. I don't think H is being realistic about the finanical aspect of this.
I don't know what to do. I feel so defeated. I'm not perfect but I've tried to be a good wife. The rejection is so hard.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I'm so sorry you feel this way.
It's not about you though. It really isn't.
You could change everything about yourself and your H would still not be attracted to you.
It's about him.

Love is a choice and a decision you make everyday.

Your H hasn't got that figured out yet, that the very things that attracted him to you are still there, he's chosen to be blind to them, or taken them for granted.

It's not that you're not a good wife, loving and all the wonderful things he first married you for. You're broadcasting....his reciever is broken right now. It can be fixed, but he must do it, you can't do that for him.
MC is a positive aspect in your favour. Perhaps he'd be willing to talk to a DB counselor?

You are a worthy and valuable person within your own right. You have an intrinsic value that NO one can take away.
Don't let his rejection strip that from you.

[canadianMrs.]

Thank you Scylla; you are so sweet. My DB coach has told me the same thing. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. Go dark??
H did talk to my DB coach in December. He didn't "like her approach". I don't think he liked hearing the truth, or having his future fantasy life dismantled. I love her approach.
I hope my emotional state didn't have us go backward. I did say that I want to believe in us, but for my own self worth, I have to look into how I/the kids would move on without him.
The idea that he married me because of our 1st is crazy. I never pressured him. I was the opposite in fact. I didn't even think we should rush into living together. He was the one who convinced me of our life together.
I really don't think he has a grasp on reality on how our life will be apart. The kids and I will be moving back to our home town (almost 2 hours away, just more support/opportunities for me); with his crazy hours he'll barely see them (and they do adore each other), he will be stuck with our house that we would lose money on right now if we sell, he thinks he and I will stay good friends and we'll still do things as a family (He even talked of a trip to Florida) and he hugely underestimates the amoung of support he would have to pay. I wouldn't take advantage of this, but I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years with 3 young children, he thinks support would be "a couple of hundred a month". Its like he thinks he can have it all; our family and be single...and keep all his money. I don't know if he is fooling himself, or thinks he's fooling me. Part of me hates him for wanting to abandon his children.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yes I think your analysis is probably the right one. He wants all the priviledges of family but he wants to be free.
My H too has hugely underestimated what this will cost him financially...let alone emotionally. They say love is grand, well divorce is 40 grand plus! Let alone child and spousal support.

Really it sounds like he too is in mid-life crisis.
In my opinion, going dim on him ( not dark) is probably the best thing to do. It's hard to go dark with kids in the picture ( blessing or curse - you decide) , and Lord knows I've had my struggles with doing it. In the end though it's about not getting on the rollercoaster and having those extreme climbs and falls and having no expectations


I too smiled grimly when I read in his " I divorce you" declaration that he hoped we could be friends. I'm thinking: 1) friends don't treat me the way you have 2) You just betrayed me in the worst manner possible and 3) are you f@cking joking?

Hugs

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm sorry you are going through this also.
But please don't blame yourself. You have been trying the best you can, don't let how he feels/felt about you determine your worth.
You are worthy, no matter what.

[canadianMrs.]

My thoughts exactly about being friends!! I'd be going home to my real friends, so I won't need his type of friendship. We've been together since we were 16, I don't think he even knows how to think about our future without me in it...despite what he says.

I'm just going to go back to doing my thing. He still continues to do things that make me wonder. He came home from work early today (just me and him), which never happens. He keeps starting conversations etc.

I'm wondering about sleeping arrangments. The last 2 nights I've been sleeping in a separate room. I told him it was because of my cold, but I just wanted some space. Its funny about that too; he actually talked to me yesterday about why was I really sleeping in another room. I stuck with the cold story. Why does he care. I would prefer to sleep apart, but is that going backwards.

You certainly made me feel better today. I hope your husband comes to his senses.

[canadianMrs.]

Thank you DelinquentGurl. Scylla, I think you are right about MLC. My SIL also mentioned it, but my DB and MC haven't said it. Although I'm wondering if MC sees it and why she suggested IC for him. After reading your post I researced it on the web and on here. I could check off almost every sign/symptom. I've had a lot of other explanations thrown out for his behavior, but this does seem to fit best. He is only 35, but we started young. Men in his family die young too...plus he's lost some close friends unexpectantly in the last couple of years. I also read that it is related to their wives reproductive years...strange because this all came out 6 weeks after I had a hysterectomy (due to a cancer scare which probably didn't help him question his own life/mortality).