BITS, Thanks for the support and kind words. I have considered the fact that it is truly impossible to know what she is doing. In hindsight, I do kind of regret bailing her out. I guess I should have let her suffer a bit more, but my feelings for her are still so strong. We were we together, I couldn't stand to watch her in pain, suffer or be scared of anything. I just can't turn that off even as she makes a fool of me.
My plan is as follows:
1) Proceed with the D. I have an appt on Monday with my A to finish up the paperwork and get the thing rolling. I have to give her what she wants even if this will be one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.
2) Stop reacting and start relaxing!!! Instead of getting fired up and upset when she does this, I will just take a breath and adjust my plan. Who knows what she is doing? She could be setting me up. She could be just out of her mind. Who knows? But, if I act like an ass, I will surely never get the answer to the riddle.
3) I will continue to read, research and focus. This is all I can do. After I got over the initial anger of what she did, I went back and read some of the old posts by Denver and 2step. If you notice, their wives did some of the same things. They even said some of the same things. I think my W if following the script as all good WAS's do.
That is my plan for now. I will continue with my work on myself and in the gym. I will continue to try to cut down on my drinking and spend more time with family. I have a wonderful family that has supported me from the beginning. And, I have the BITS. The best support group in the world!!
I still wish her luck in her search to find what she is looking for. Somewhere inside, I do still love her as much as the day I married her.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Friend You are a true stand-up act. My hat is off to you. I can tell you right now that woman is gonna miss out on a hell of a guy. Thank you for all of the time and effort you have put into other people's sitch's, including mine. Keep being the better person and god bless!
Be that person because you want to be. I know your W is angry, and he lashes out at you. I know your guts get tangled up inside and she appears to show little emotion, except when she tears up, when she gets angry, when she cries, when she lashes out, when her lips quiver, when her eyes tear up. Get the point?
Be the change.
We all have our dark, moments of agony even though one person's may be entirely different from another person's.
When we are in painful, terrible circumstances, we are in a position to turn it around and have something great come from it. Sure, we all wallow in self pity from time to time, but if we stop wallowing in self pity and make something happen from our most painful, darkest moments, great things will come of it.
BITS, Thanks for the support and kind words. I have considered the fact that it is truly impossible to know what she is doing. In hindsight, I do kind of regret bailing her out. I guess I should have let her suffer a bit more, but my feelings for her are still so strong. We were we together, I couldn't stand to watch her in pain, suffer or be scared of anything. I just can't turn that off even as she makes a fool of me.
My plan is as follows:
1) Proceed with the D. I have an appt on Monday with my A to finish up the paperwork and get the thing rolling. I have to give her what she wants even if this will be one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.
2) Stop reacting and start relaxing!!! Instead of getting fired up and upset when she does this, I will just take a breath and adjust my plan. Who knows what she is doing? She could be setting me up. She could be just out of her mind. Who knows? But, if I act like an ass, I will surely never get the answer to the riddle.
3) I will continue to read, research and focus. This is all I can do. After I got over the initial anger of what she did, I went back and read some of the old posts by Denver and 2step. If you notice, their wives did some of the same things. They even said some of the same things. I think my W if following the script as all good WAS's do.
That is my plan for now. I will continue with my work on myself and in the gym. I will continue to try to cut down on my drinking and spend more time with family. I have a wonderful family that has supported me from the beginning. And, I have the BITS. The best support group in the world!!
I still wish her luck in her search to find what she is looking for. Somewhere inside, I do still love her as much as the day I married her.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Hello FOBD
I've been divorced for 4 months and 9 days.
Your words hit home with me friend.
You have a good plan. No matter what you do...you can't fix, solve, or control THEIR life, actions, or decisions. You can only focus on your path.
The cool thing about this is you get to find a new you or possibly enhance to a better you.
The more you lead and the more you focus on you, you change the dynamic. They want you to be there, they want you to suffer, they want you to feel it, they want you to fight it, some even want to see it just to see you be different from the way you were.
Best thing you can do in a fight, if some someone is pulling your "hair", instead of fighting against it, you move towards it. i.e. Kung Fu. Take her offensive/negative/aggressive energy and either deflect it, enable it, or subdue it. In other words move with the flow, but until you lead it, they wont feel $h&t.
Country said it best IMO. We all know WHAT to do, its the EXECUTION thats the tough part.
Stay strong FOBD. One never knows what will be the catalyst in all this to change her mind and if she doesnt, FOBD sounds like a guy that will have no trouble moving on down the road.
The peaks and vallies are tough but hoepefully, the vallies are being further apart.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Team, sorry I have been distant. iwl, Country, 2step, Faith, Nine, thanks a ton. You guys are the best. Took some time away to work on my plan. I have also been pretty busy at work. But, I do agree with you. I am turning into quite a catch and I will make some woman very happy some day. Maybe it will be my wife, maybe it won't. I can't dwell on that right now. Anyway, thought I would post a quick update:
Met with her today to get tax documents signed. I had her meet me at a notary's office near her office. She didn't know why, but she agreed. She arrived and we sat in my car and signed documents. She was all bubbly and friendly. Cracking jokes with me and so on. I was very confused. She noticed that I got an iPhone. She started making fun of me in a friendly way because I swore I would never get one. We played with it together and I showed her some videos of my niece. One thing was weird. She was still wearing her wedding ring even though I buster her about that last Sunday. I told her if she couldn't be honest with me regarding her OM, that she should do the right thing and take off our wedding band that she has been wearing on the wrong hand. I pretty much said, "I can't stop you from doing what you are going to do, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would show our marriage a little respect and not do what you are going to do while wearing my ring." She became embarrassed and fiddled with it a bit. Fast forward to today. I figured she would dump it just to show me up. But, today when she arrived, she was still wearing it. Very odd.
So, we sat in my van and went over what we were there to do. One of the documents I had prepared was a document transferring ownership of my college season football tickets to me that are under her name. She has been holding them hostage and refusing to sign them over. I didn't tell her that she was going to be signing that today. She was startled and told me that I was trying to slip one by her. What she didn't realize was that in my van was her stereo and some other items she had been begging for that I was holding on to as insurance. As she took notice of the fact that I wanted that document signed and started to get defensive, I simply smiled and pointed to the back of the van. There she saw I had arrived prepared to deliver her stuff. I never mentioned "quid pro quo" or anything. I simply smiled and pointed to the back of the van. She immediately stopped fighting me, agreed to sign the document and we went inside. As she signed the document for the tickets, I caught her staring at me. I signed it, he applied his stamp and then I did something I know she was not expecting. I turned around and handed the document to her. She looked startled. I told her that I just wanted to get the document ready while we were there to save a trip back to the notary. I smiled and handed it to her. I just pretty much gave her my only defense to get the tickets back. Talk about a leap of faith. I told her, "Here, you can hold onto this for now as I know you are nervous about this." I smiled again and turned away. She said nothing. I don't think she was expecting that. I still love her and I trust that she will do the right thing when the time comes.
So, we went out to the parking lot and talked some more. I informed her that I was meeting with the A this afternoon to start everything. She now owes me over $2000 for various things and is still contending that she can't pay me. I had let this slide for a bit, but I was planning on standing my ground today. But, she beat me to the punch. She said, "I know I owe you quite a bit of money and I know that I was fighting you on this and even told you that I wasn't going to pay you. But, if you can just take it out of my settlement, I would be happy to give it to you. I just can't write you a check. Would that be OK?" I smiled, and said, "Yes, that will be fine." She thanked me. She once again assured me that she doesn't want any kind of interim or long term support and she specifically told me to tell the A to put that in the petition. So, I had him do it today. She will not be served with papers at work. We agreed to spare her that embarrassment in the work place. The petition should be ready for my signature by this Wednesday. More than likely, since no one is contesting, I should be divorced in the next two weeks. Whether or not I want this or am ready for this, here it comes. I paid the A his money and went home.
I arrived home and was doing well. I cried for about 10 minutes. Once I was done, I picked myself up, changed clothes and went to the gym for two hours. I came home, made dinner, and called her to inform her that we are almost finished as a couple. Once again, she was pleasant as pie. Completely amicable to every thing I said and even tried to joke around with me. I stayed business-like and polite without being rude. I informed her of the proceedings of today's meeting, informed her that the paperwork should be ready soon and pretty much bid her good night with a smile. I think she seemed a bit surprised at my brevity, but I did this on purpose. It is time for her to start to face the fact that I am leaving. I too am moving on. This is not a f*cking joke, THIS IS A DIVORCE. It is time to put on the "big boy pants" and realize that you are willfully destroying a marriage that you once claimed you would honor until death do us part. I wished her a good night and she did the same. I hung up.
Well, unconditional love is tough. It hurts like hell. But, I have no other option. She wants out and desperately trying to hang on to her will only make her hate me more. I will have to let her go and see what happens. Friends, I will need some help as this progresses. I thank my stars every day for each and every one of you. Without you, I would probably have completely botched this and would be sleeping in a ditch right now. You are very special people and NONE of us deserve to be here.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
You've grown so much FOBD, and now you're showing incredible strength and grace. Good on you. You've worked very hard to be where you are now. I wish for you easier days ahead.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Man FOBD, you have a way with words. Your posts seem to always choke me up. You are handling this as well as anyone could be expected. Be proud of yourself and stand tall. The future is unwritten, anything is possible.
Quote:
This is not a f*cking joke, THIS IS A DIVORCE. It is time to put on the "big boy pants" and realize that you are willfully destroying a marriage that you once claimed you would honor until death do us part.
This really hit me. I do not believe my W had said the "D" word once until the other day. We were talking about insurance, and she finally said it. However, she said it talking about how mad she was that the insurance company made her say what was going on. It really seems like she wants to ignore what is really going on.
Anyways, I went off track....
I would love to hear you post some of your goals now.
What is next for FOBD? Anything you haven't done yet that you always wanted to? A part of the world you always wanted to see? Is there a part of you you're still working on? How could you improve?
The futures we can create for ourselves..... Unlimited.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Scy and Country, Thanks for the kind words. You don't know how much they mean to me.
Country, yes, you do need to realize that the WAS doesn't really realize what they are doing. They think they are "escaping" from some imaginary prison they have created in their mind. What they don't realize is that once they get outside of the gate, nothing will happen. This isn't the Shawshank Redemption, my love. There will be no sirens, no guards chasing after them with bloodhounds, nothing. They will escape, stand in the middle of the street and shout, "I am out" as they raise their arms in victory. But, no one will care. Those passing by will simply look over, say "Who gives a sh*t, get out of my way as I have my own problems" and keep walking. They will be left standing there in the middle of the street looking like a fool with no where to go. This isn't a graduation or a promotion. No one is going to shower them with cards and congratulations. The victory for a WAS is very hollow, at best. If anything, she will become the person at the office that others whisper, "You know she left her husband" as she passes by. There will be no parade, no ticker tape, no band. That is when they realize they are DIVORCED!!! In a couple of weeks or a couple of months, my ex-wife is going to wake up one morning in her 500 sq ft apartment next to the ghetto and realize she is waking up alone for the 300th or so time. She will go to work, come home, eat a TV dinner for one and suddenly ask herself, "What have I done?" Will I be waiting there when that happens? I don't know. Only time will tell. But until then, I will have to move forward because the clock governing my time on this earth will not stop while she tries to figure out what she wants.
As for my plan, well, it is early. For now, I plan to just find the strength to get through the D and go to work each day. I do plan on buying myself a few things I have always wanted. I am going to travel to New York City for the first time ever in May. And, I plan on getting certified for sky diving this summer. That is about as much as I know right now. But, I am sure more will come to me as the time passes. I also need to buy some new furniture to replace what was lost. Who knows what the future holds...
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
