Thanks for checking in, AJ. I have been holding off posting again until after today's couple therapy session. Now I am not sure if I really want to fully journal it. I think I came to another point where I am just emotionally drained.
Today was pretty tough. I wouldn't say it was as knock down, drag out as the last few, but it was not positive.
I won't go until a lot of detail, but it involved a brief discussion of her resentment that I spend more time with a mutual friend. She gives multiple excuses which are all directed at me that have no merit. I want her to spend more time with him, but I cannot control that.
Most of the conversation had to do with finances. We have to buy two new car seats for our son, but they are pretty expensive. I had the idea to sell off some old car seats that were given to us last year and some old iphones on craigslist. My idea was to make enough money to pay for both of the new ones. She then went into a long discussion how she thinks the items I am trying to sell are hers and hers alone, and that she should receive all of the money that is made. It is all pretty frustrating, but the common theme is that I make more money than her and do not need it.
I touched om the reality that she walked out and wanted to live on her own. She snapped back that she intends to keep it that way, and that she is doing just fine and enjoying her freedom. The idea that she wants to stay separated and enjoying it was really tough to hear, but I don't know if I will accept it as truth.
We talked about how we have done well to both consider the needs of our S and each pay for any expenses when each of us have him. We also mentioned that we split all of his other expenses. This is why I figured that splitting this money for the benefit of our S made sense.
I mentioned that I did not want to talk about divorce, but the things we are looking to sell would probably be considered community property anyway and would be split accordingly. Our therapist chimed in and mentioned that I would also be paying child support, since I made more money.
This really upset me and made me get a little emotional. I said that I did not want to bring it up, but I think it is pretty horrible that my W chose to have this affair, she walked out on me and our home, she broke up our family and my time with our baby. The idea that she wants more from me really breaks me down.
Our therapist mentioned that those emotions from me are a big elephant in the room that need to be addressed. I told her that I did not want to talk about them and wanted to put my concentration and bring my W and I closer, not discussing the ideas of permanent separation. My therapist believes that bringing this topic into the open would do more good than bad. Allowing the ideas to come up often would be more damaging and push my W further. It would be best to get it all out and discuss it.
I am guessing that will be the theme for next week. I just don't know how excited I am about the thoughts of digging deep into how these pains are effecting me. I have been doing a pretty good job improving myself and moving forward. Detaching. Digging these emotions back out would be tough, but they are still lingering, so maybe it would benefit. Hard to know.
I had tears in my eyes as this was discussed, and we had to end the conversation with our hour up. I walked W and S back to her car and strapped S up for the ride home. My W gave me a big hug and held on. I know she did this, because she could see the pain she is causing me. I welcomed holding her, but it really did make me feel weak.
I wrote more than I intended. I always do. I am just emotionally spent right now. Questioning my strength and patience. Wondering how I am going to hold up. I know we all have a breaking point, but I hope I am not at mine. I really need to rebound and get it together.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
And never forget: she's still the mother of your child.
You only get to do your kid's childhood once.
And it goes by very fast.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Hey Sparks - Call your local fire stations. A lot of them will trade in old car seats for new ones. Check around - if they don't do it, they should be able to tell you who to call or who does it. They don't want you to sell or reuse old car seats since they expire (the foam wears down after a few years) and you never know if they were involved in an accident.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Sparks, what state are you in? I can pull up the child support rules for you, so you can think about them and go in to the next session educated/mentally prepared. Hopefully that will make it a bit less intense.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Pickle - You are exactly correct. After a few days to reflect, this is what I have taken out of it. It is only money. I would give up all of my possessions to save my family. Why would I cause tension over a few hundred dollars? I made this mistake several months ago. I should have learned.
AJ/Figg - Thanks for the suggestions on the car seats. I think we are going to go ahead and invest money in the expensive car seats. It will be used for years, and car safety is something I feel good paying extra for.
OMW - I feel you, man. I really need a rebound. I have to change things up. Just have to think what that will entail. I need new energy.
Thanks to those checking in! I promise to catch up withyour threads after journaling my couples therapy session this week.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
AJ - I am in Texas and have a loose understanding of how it works. I am just not prepared to go into a deep discussion about it yet. I am really going to try and deflect the attention off the monetary issues. I just don't see how that would be a beneficial to discuss while divorce busting.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Over the weekend, I told me W that I wanted to let her have all of the money raised by selling the old cell phones and car seats. She said that she wanted to discuss it in therapy, so I had anticipated my W bringing it up today. She had a small prepared statement. The just of the statement was to say that she wanted me to sell the items and for us to split the money. She said that she discovered that her initial anger of the situation involved me controlling the situation. She felt like my brining up the solution on how to raise money was made without any input from her.
She also brought up how she clued in from last week the idea of me being a victim in this situation and how it has affected my decision making. She believes that I am trying to control financial matters to in order to force her home.
Our therapist had me validate what I took from my W’s statement. I could tell she was working on this validation piece for me. Once I was clear of the intent of her statement, I was allowed to for my own thoughts towards it. I explained to my W that I did not wish monetary items to get between us. I had recognized this same feeling from several months ago regarding her taking money from an extra paycheck. I have learned from this past experience and want to take the same approach. Why would I ever let a few hundred dollars get in the way of my divorce busting?
I also mentioned how I have never tried to force my W’s hand financially. Months ago I had told my W the same thing. I don’t want her coming home for the wrong reason. I have no gain from her not making it on her own.
I told her that I have no intention playing the victim card. My sole focus has been to stay positive and grow through this process. I told her that I wish to improve our relationship and have taken every measure possible to keep that focus.
We had a long discussion on how there will be some needs of mine that will need to be presented at some point. I explained that my personal needs are being addressed in individual therapy. Both of my therapists have told me that my W is not in a place to be receptive to my needs. Our couples therapist mentioned that she now believes that we are in a place where I can start bringing up some of my needs. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. My W is still angry. She is not in the same place where I am. My needs for better communication and less anger will not be received well at this time. Now is not the time to start bringing up the faults in my W that I had problems with in our marriage. I feel my W will only take them as further reason why our marriage was failing.
At the end, I quickly mentioned how my W has a difficult time sharing anything with me right now that is it all personal to her. This has gone back a long time and been discussed before. If I ask my W any questions about her, she will change the subject to our son. I had mentioned that this was brought up again recently when I asked about her new second job. She never wants to talk about it and seems annoyed that I even ask about her. She told me that she thinks it’s clear that she doesn’t want this job. She feels like my questions are too enthusiastic and fake. This is why she has difficulties talking about herself. I get this feeling pretty steady now. The idea that my changes are not genuine. My upbeat personality is fake. My questions about her have some sort of agenda. It annoys me. I told my W that my questions about her personal life couldn’t be more genuine. I miss my W and want to know about her. I have a genuine interest in her and want to keep upbeat and positive.
W again mentioned how she does not want me to get my hopes up. She feels that by being so positive, I am ignoring the reality. She feels like I put too much effort into trying to save our marriage where she is trying to be better co-parents. I explained to her that the relationship between to married people and the relationship of two successful co-parents have many similar qualities. The communication and care will be there either way. The paths are similar. She just wants to make sure that I understand that she is happy right now and has found her new freedom to be nice. She does not want me to waste all of my energy on a false hope of renewing our marriage. She is still trying to find herself and her sexual orientation. She wants to make sure I understand that she is not ready to move back in and get back together.
That is pretty much how we ended this week. The frustrations that I have are further evidence that I need to refocus and seriously rebound from this funk. I feel like I am lost right now. I need to re-establish my goals. I need to figure out how to tweak my approach. I need to rediscover my patience. I am starting to feel the emotion again and need to detach. I need help in so many ways that it is a bit overwhelming. For months, I have considered how a DB coach could help me in this sitch. I am not sure how I will be able to afford it, but I think it is time to check into it. I think they could help me regain my focus.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Something subtle jumped out at me... most people 'like' to talk about themselves given the opportunity. It sounds a little bit like W is scared to open up, maybe because it would cast doubt on the choices she's made before. Just a wild guess...
Some tweaking might be helpful, but it really sounds like things are moving on a forward path. Still, like she says, take it slow.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
