I know this is more for the reconcile boards, but there are only two posts right now. I'm just wondering how the spouse that said that, explains it when things improve. Do they still believe everything they said and that this is just a new/better relationship etc? Or do they see that their feelings/rewritting history was wrong? Has anyone heard any personal stories about this?
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Life is all about change. When our relationship changed back into a nice, friendly, happy one, my husband didn't need to say anything about the change, we both knew it had occurred. I think most people believe that what they thought at the time was true at the time....and since that time is past, there is no reason to wallow in it.
Thank you Lotus. H does have a bad memory, so hopefully if things continue to improve he will forget the things he said anyway. That is what I think is interesting about how he was re-writting our history; usally he can barely remember details about last week. We use to joke about it. Of course, when I mentioned this to him about changing our past, (according to him)I was actually the one who must have the bad memory
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Have you looked into Retrouvaille? The website is www.helpourmarriage.org. They have weekends where you learn how to talk to each other in a constructive way. Changing how you talk completely changes how you interact. And the change that comes over the marriage is incredible! It's only 2 days, but it makes all the difference in the world. I recommend that you check and see when there will be a Retro weekend new you.
Life is all about change. When our relationship changed back into a nice, friendly, happy one, my husband didn't need to say anything about the change, we both knew it had occurred. I think most people believe that what they thought at the time was true at the time....and since that time is past, there is no reason to wallow in it.
I completely agree with Lotus' comment.
My H also has a bad memory.....and now, a few years on from our crisis, he has trouble recalling any of the details at all, whilst I can still recall them very well. They no longer have quite the same painful impact that they once had though......and sometimes we even laugh about what happened. We have learnt from it and moved on. That is not meant to sound glib.....it was a very painful learning curve.......but from great pain, new great happiness can flourish, given the chance.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree.. my H actually he insisted that he DIDNT love me, I got the full IDLYA. He said he was 100% sure, adamant in fact and that we may be friends in the future, but not until things settled down...
...we later reconciled and he asked me to marry him.
I asked him this and he said.. he did feel that at the time, but looking back it was ridiculous, as of course he did still love me, but he felt "mental, crazy, mad" at the time. He says he cannot now put his mind into the mind he had then. So for him, it really was a kind of depression/MLC fog and how he felt then just isnt relevant to him now. In fact, he cant bare to talk about it, or remember how he behaved and seems to have blocked much of it out (whereas yes I can recall it all in technicolour detail).
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
i was here last year and had received that ily but not in lwy comment
he changed his mind about a month later, and i left well enough alone and had never asked about it
but now i find myself in the same place this year we have been separated a few months now and although i'm hopeful, i don't know what will happen this time
Thankfully, I never got that speech. I did get the I don't love now a couple times.
For starters, I never really believed her when my W said it. It was painful to hear, but I know it wasn't the truth. When I asked her about it later, she looked at me like I was nuts. She basically said that she said those things when she was undergoing extreme emotional stress and a lot of what she said couldn't be trusted.The she reminded me of all the things I said under similar stress and said she didn't hold those against me.
But I think they honestly believe it at the time. Sadly, I think for some couples those feelings never get a chance to turn around and those feelings become the status quo.
If my wife gave me that speech, I think I'd call BS on it. I think the whole "love" vs "in love" distinction is just dumb and really code words for how they feel about the R.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I look at it like this...If you get back together with your S...Does it really matter what was said? Move forward not backward. Be happy for the second chance and work on strengthening the M. I don't mean to slight your feelings and I hope you don't take it that way.
